Reading this makes me think about my first friend who had a baby, about five years before the rest of our peer group had babies. I look back with embarrassment at my cluelessness about how to support her. I remember going to visit her two-week-old baby and taking a pile of magazines(!) and a box of chocolates!! I then sat on her sofa, chatted to her and let HER make ME cups of tea…! Ten years later, and as a mother myself now, I am appalled at my lack of understanding about what she needed from me. (Nowadays I’d take a lasagna, and I’d make the tea, and run errands or do some cleaning for her!). I guess what I’m saying to the question-asker is, being the first to have kids in a friendship group is TOUGH. Friends will likely not understand. Try to tell them specifically how you need their support, I think generally people respond well if they know exactly what helps rather than having to guess. And also try to find new communities of other expectant and new mothers, (I found Mumsnet a great support, but for potential new friendships try local Facebook groups, village or church groups - all worth googling. Good luck!
As I read this, I'm thinking of my mother, who, although no longer with us, once spat the words, 'I lost all my friends when I had you,' at me across the dinner table once. Reading this reader's letter has helped me understand how lonely my mum must have been feeling. I have no idea if she could have accessed antenatal classes back in 1961, but she most certainly did not have a support husband or family.
Thanks Philippa. I spent many years being angry with her for blaming me - I wasn’t planned, I came too early, I wasn’t a boy, she lost all her friends, and rather surprisingly, she stopped listening to music after I was born. What a waste! It was the sixties!
Since her death, I’ve come to learn just how scared she was - of everything!
It’s also striking how few people consider that pregnancy might not be a time of light and roses. I lost count of the number of times I was told that ‘it would all be worth it’ when the baby was born, and had very little support to offer to my worries and concerns at the time. While this is little help to the writer, it does appear to be a societal issue and nothing personal.
‘Doula’ is the word which comes to me most strongly in response to this sad scenario - any time a pregnant woman feels her support circle is a bit wobbly, that’s a perfect indication to look into hiring a doula now. The partner’s work situation suggests this could be a particularly good investment for the family all round.
I don’t think it is always appreciated that maternity can dramatically raise the need for contact with others and I would laud the writer’s understanding of her needs which will stand her in good stead.
The handily categorising phrase 'Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life' comes to mind here. The writer's circumstances are changing, there will be new mum friends with plenty to talk about. One or two may even become 'friends for life'. But my own experience is that those very few 'friends for life' resubmerge and reconnect when time and circumstances have shifted. This obviously requires compromise and tolerance. But a shared history is precious and worth navigating.
I'm an antenatal facilitator and part of our role is to create an atmosphere where new support networks thrive. While this is sometimes described dismissively, we understand how important it is to be with people who really get it.
The organisation I work for is a charity and is able to offer discounted spaces if needed.
When pregnant with my first I couldn't imagine anything worse than sitting around with a bunch of women talking about babies. But to be honest it was a life (and marriage) saver. You are not alone. You will find your gang. Good luck.
your writer needs @Janine Smith for sure! Janine was my antenatal group leader and she has amazing online resources about pregnancy and early parenthood which could be invaluable. I echo the advice about finding other women/ couples who are at a similar stage of pregnancy, it can be so useful.
You might have changed the circumstances to protect the writer’s anonymity, but I wonder why you don’t mention family at all? Not everyone has supportive family, but it might be another route to bolster the emotional support your correspondent seeks? Family doesn’t have to be a husband or wife. It is good if a partner is involved and supportive, even if other commitments keep them busy.
Older relatives such as parents, aunts or uncles - if they exist - are often delighted to be involved in the birth of a new generation.
Alternatively she might find many old school friends are also going through the trials and delights of starting families.
It is sometimes difficult to start brand new friendships when we’re feeling low, but rekindling older relationships might be a shortcut.
Definitely get involved with some other pregnant women. I didn’t join a local group although I attended classes at the birth centre it wasn’t close to where we lived, I was desperately lonely when our eldest (now 24) was a baby and always encourage pregnant friends to find their community of parents at the same lifestage. Sending your question asker lots of love and encouragement xx
You've made a very good point about new friendships being made in pregnancy that will last a long time. My mum is still friends with a woman she met while they were both pregnant with their first child, so they've been friends now for nearly 47 years!
Reading this makes me think about my first friend who had a baby, about five years before the rest of our peer group had babies. I look back with embarrassment at my cluelessness about how to support her. I remember going to visit her two-week-old baby and taking a pile of magazines(!) and a box of chocolates!! I then sat on her sofa, chatted to her and let HER make ME cups of tea…! Ten years later, and as a mother myself now, I am appalled at my lack of understanding about what she needed from me. (Nowadays I’d take a lasagna, and I’d make the tea, and run errands or do some cleaning for her!). I guess what I’m saying to the question-asker is, being the first to have kids in a friendship group is TOUGH. Friends will likely not understand. Try to tell them specifically how you need their support, I think generally people respond well if they know exactly what helps rather than having to guess. And also try to find new communities of other expectant and new mothers, (I found Mumsnet a great support, but for potential new friendships try local Facebook groups, village or church groups - all worth googling. Good luck!
As I read this, I'm thinking of my mother, who, although no longer with us, once spat the words, 'I lost all my friends when I had you,' at me across the dinner table once. Reading this reader's letter has helped me understand how lonely my mum must have been feeling. I have no idea if she could have accessed antenatal classes back in 1961, but she most certainly did not have a support husband or family.
Oh wow. Thanks for that. Your poor mum. And! Not YOUR fault ❤️
Thanks Philippa. I spent many years being angry with her for blaming me - I wasn’t planned, I came too early, I wasn’t a boy, she lost all her friends, and rather surprisingly, she stopped listening to music after I was born. What a waste! It was the sixties!
Since her death, I’ve come to learn just how scared she was - of everything!
It’s also striking how few people consider that pregnancy might not be a time of light and roses. I lost count of the number of times I was told that ‘it would all be worth it’ when the baby was born, and had very little support to offer to my worries and concerns at the time. While this is little help to the writer, it does appear to be a societal issue and nothing personal.
It is always helpful to know you’re not the only one.
‘Doula’ is the word which comes to me most strongly in response to this sad scenario - any time a pregnant woman feels her support circle is a bit wobbly, that’s a perfect indication to look into hiring a doula now. The partner’s work situation suggests this could be a particularly good investment for the family all round.
I don’t think it is always appreciated that maternity can dramatically raise the need for contact with others and I would laud the writer’s understanding of her needs which will stand her in good stead.
Brilliantly put, thanks.
The handily categorising phrase 'Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for life' comes to mind here. The writer's circumstances are changing, there will be new mum friends with plenty to talk about. One or two may even become 'friends for life'. But my own experience is that those very few 'friends for life' resubmerge and reconnect when time and circumstances have shifted. This obviously requires compromise and tolerance. But a shared history is precious and worth navigating.
I'm an antenatal facilitator and part of our role is to create an atmosphere where new support networks thrive. While this is sometimes described dismissively, we understand how important it is to be with people who really get it.
The organisation I work for is a charity and is able to offer discounted spaces if needed.
When pregnant with my first I couldn't imagine anything worse than sitting around with a bunch of women talking about babies. But to be honest it was a life (and marriage) saver. You are not alone. You will find your gang. Good luck.
your writer needs @Janine Smith for sure! Janine was my antenatal group leader and she has amazing online resources about pregnancy and early parenthood which could be invaluable. I echo the advice about finding other women/ couples who are at a similar stage of pregnancy, it can be so useful.
You might have changed the circumstances to protect the writer’s anonymity, but I wonder why you don’t mention family at all? Not everyone has supportive family, but it might be another route to bolster the emotional support your correspondent seeks? Family doesn’t have to be a husband or wife. It is good if a partner is involved and supportive, even if other commitments keep them busy.
Older relatives such as parents, aunts or uncles - if they exist - are often delighted to be involved in the birth of a new generation.
Alternatively she might find many old school friends are also going through the trials and delights of starting families.
It is sometimes difficult to start brand new friendships when we’re feeling low, but rekindling older relationships might be a shortcut.
You make a good point, but as you say I took out details to preserve anonymity.
Definitely get involved with some other pregnant women. I didn’t join a local group although I attended classes at the birth centre it wasn’t close to where we lived, I was desperately lonely when our eldest (now 24) was a baby and always encourage pregnant friends to find their community of parents at the same lifestage. Sending your question asker lots of love and encouragement xx
You've made a very good point about new friendships being made in pregnancy that will last a long time. My mum is still friends with a woman she met while they were both pregnant with their first child, so they've been friends now for nearly 47 years!
Sorry, having problems with substack recognising my subscription and posted here by mistake x