Nobody seems to understand me and I'm losing friends
Pregnancy has emotional as well as physical challenges
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The Problem
Firstly, I love your Guardian column. I often listened to it on the Guardian Weekend Podcast (or at least I did, until it stopped!) and I’ve enjoyed hearing your columns in your voice. As I write this I feel quite emotional, but hopefully it’ll be coherent nonetheless.
I’m pregnant, in my second trimester, and I’ve never felt so lonely. Until recently, I thought I had lots of close, strong friendships. But I haven’t felt supported over the last few months.
The first trimester was really, really rough. I felt so weak there were some days where I couldn’t leave the house. My job is very stressful, so keeping up with work, while also looking after myself, was really hard. My partner is away a lot with his work, so I’ve had to be very self-sufficient.
I’ve tried to share how I’m feeling with my partner and my friends, but maybe I’m not conveying how hard it’s been, because they seem to be underestimating how lonely and challenging it’s been. A part of me is worried that if I’m completely honest about how lonely I feel, it’ll push them away even more.
I’ve sent messages suggesting meet-ups, but it seems everyone is too busy. I’m thirty, and this is an age where lots of people get very busy with buying flats, focusing on their relationships, and climbing the ranks at work. None of my close friends have children, and maybe they feel that we’re on different paths now.
I would appreciate your advice on how to navigate this.
The Answer
Thank you for the compliments. I no longer have the Guardian column. It’s very sad but The Observer, the Sunday version of the Guardian, was passed to new owners and working with them just wasn’t a good fit for me, so I chose to leave. It was awful not saying goodbye to faithful readers and I just hope you find this reply here on Substack. The email that was forwarded to me had no address for you, so this is in the public domain. I have not used your name and have changed some identifying details to keep you anonymous.
Now to you. I wonder if what you are feeling is not only loneliness but also fear. Pregnancy brings not only physical changes but a growing awareness that life is about to shift. It may be that you are thinking a lot about this change, trying to prepare yourself. That is natural. But it can also make it hard for friends who are not in the same place to relate. And when we fear something, we can go over the same ground again and again without realising the impact of this on others. That, of course, might not be happening. I am only guessing.
Another thing that might be happening is that your friends could be minimising your pain because they don’t want to feel it with you. They might be trying to cheer you up, but you feel pushed away, and because that didn’t work for you, they feel awkward and are backing off. They might be making the error of trying to deal with you instead of feeling with you. It’s what people often do with their children, saying “Oh, it’s not that bad,” which makes no one feel better because, well, it is that bad and if people you love could understand that, maybe it would feel an ounce or two better.
I wonder if, without realising, you are seeming different to them. It is very common in pregnancy for moods and ways of thinking to change. You may not notice the difference in yourself, but others might. They may not know how to respond. Some may step back without meaning to cause hurt.
Your partner and friends may also assume that once the pregnancy is progressing, things are easier now. They may not realise that this middle stage can feel just as hard, in a different way.
It could be that you are not managing to communicate what this feels like. That is also common. When the emotions are complex and shifting, it can be hard to put them into words that others can understand.
Your work may also be making this harder. It could be adding to your stress and making the coming changes feel even heavier.
This does not mean anything is wrong. But it may mean it is time to build a new layer of support. I wonder if you are going to antenatal classes or groups? If not, it would be good to start. These are places where people will not only understand but expect the feelings you are describing.
You know how when you start school or university you get a whole new group of friends? And those are friendships that can last a long time. It can be the same with pregnancy and birth. Join the antenatal groups. New friends will become old friends in time, and these people will be going through similar things to you.
It may also be worth considering talking to a therapist. Not because you are in any way unwell but because change like this can be unsettling. Soon you will have a new life to be responsible for, as well as your own, and it is wise to put the right support in place now.
The transition you are going through does often feel dislocating. Your old friendships may return in time. For now, it is important to connect with people who are moving through similar changes.
Thank you for writing in. If others can share this column on all your platforms, it will give the person who wrote to me a better chance of finding it.
Best wishes,
Philippa
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Reading this makes me think about my first friend who had a baby, about five years before the rest of our peer group had babies. I look back with embarrassment at my cluelessness about how to support her. I remember going to visit her two-week-old baby and taking a pile of magazines(!) and a box of chocolates!! I then sat on her sofa, chatted to her and let HER make ME cups of tea…! Ten years later, and as a mother myself now, I am appalled at my lack of understanding about what she needed from me. (Nowadays I’d take a lasagna, and I’d make the tea, and run errands or do some cleaning for her!). I guess what I’m saying to the question-asker is, being the first to have kids in a friendship group is TOUGH. Friends will likely not understand. Try to tell them specifically how you need their support, I think generally people respond well if they know exactly what helps rather than having to guess. And also try to find new communities of other expectant and new mothers, (I found Mumsnet a great support, but for potential new friendships try local Facebook groups, village or church groups - all worth googling. Good luck!
As I read this, I'm thinking of my mother, who, although no longer with us, once spat the words, 'I lost all my friends when I had you,' at me across the dinner table once. Reading this reader's letter has helped me understand how lonely my mum must have been feeling. I have no idea if she could have accessed antenatal classes back in 1961, but she most certainly did not have a support husband or family.