Thank you Philippa for this insight, I love how you put it. I hope you don`t mind if I write some of my experience with this, I feel this touches me. Please let me know if this is too much...
Don't listen to old music! The choice of music is crucial for mood management! Don't indulge in old memories, you need distraction skills and a very dedicated mind, a pretty strict regime like all addicts who are on their way out.
Last night I listened to a really interesting interview with Anna Lembke, addiction and dopamine expert at the Stanford Clinic, easy to find it on the internet. There is a real science behind behavioral addiction, and I think the knowledge about this has not spread enough.
Having had to deal with this problem myself on a certain level, and being a therapist for almost 20 years I want to tell you: it`s really good you asked Philippa, she really knows. It is not easy to get good advice, and many therapists don`t know enough about this. In Europe we don`t have this talk going on about "love addiction". We can discuss if this is a helpful framework, or just another buzz-word, but I think it is, despite it not being part of the ICD or DSM.
What I learned is that a strict regime in the beginning to get "sober" is really key. You need a certain level of recovery in order to tackle your old wounds.
Once the divorce is through go absolutely no-contact with this man. Avoid any unnecessary contact until then. The slightest getting in touch can make everything pop up again, it`s really like with a drug. And it will most probably stay like this with this man for the rest of your life. Stand off.
Keep on looking for an adequate therapist - I don`t know how much choice you have in your psychotherapy-training. I think it should be someone who deeply understands trauma (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, NARM - the professional needs to be really seasoned!), which is not the case with every therapist, even training-therapist. It takes a whole while to get into the depths professionally there.
You will recover - and some day be able to give so much to your later clients - what a gift! So many people are affected by this.
So true and such great advice. Going no contact was key in my case trying to get over a trauma bond (from someone way less abusive, but it was still bloody hard). It is really really hard, but then there is a moment, and you will barely remember, and it will not be hate, just indifference. The indifference is the goal.
Great post. I can really relate to this. My last relationship was with a person who was mentally unstable; extreme mood swings and verbally abusive. I left the relationship but it took me 4 years to break free from the addiction. It was difficult breaking contact but it was the best thing I could have done I got myself in a really good place, met my current partner of 13 years and look back and think thank goodness I made the break. I wish I had had Phillipa to advise me at that time.
You have a choice here. You have identified that sense of a big hole and the choice is whether you pour good solid things into it to make a foundation for a happy future, or acid.
Your daughter may be a big asset here. If you have been diminished, it can be hard to put your needs first but you are still a mother and considering the example you want to give her and if she is dependent on you now her security is important. I can see that you may have that lurking thought that this man offers something better financially than you have now... hold firm to your knowledge that this is illusory. You have what you need without this man. You say you don't know who you are but he got you at a particular life stage and in a particular context and that all changes - even without you having to do anything. Perhaps for a while keep writing out the first part of your letter to Philippa, type it, hand write it - and certainly, as you have said you will, keep re-reading her response. Honour the woman or women who got him onto the Clare's Law Register. Honour your future clients. Honour yourself and know that we are all cheering you on.
This man owes you financially - on top of everything else. I read the return of him and coming back to you as a calculated move possibly to deny the financial settlement which the LW really needs to support a new stable home and to to begin anew. He really owes LW and hope LW receives a healthy financial settlement that supports a peaceful and joyous new life.
I used to get like this at the end of every relationship (age 16-30) which I see clearly now was as much about me as them. I didn’t have any abusive partners but I did pick emotionally unavailable ones and even when I knew we were not good together I’d cling on and try and ‘win’ them back (usually I did and then eventually I’d dump them. Thinking about it maybe I was the love bomber, of a milder kind, which is an uncomfortable thought).
I was desperate for love. I felt the universe owed it me. I was also using it to grieve - having not grieved the loss of my mum (I was 10 when she died) - so my grief was always way more overwhelming than the relationship warranted. To start with I used alcohol and other self harm methods. I ended up in hospital once and self referred to hospital once and then I learnt I had to look after myself a bit in what was always going to be a time of crisis for me. I remember my first therapist (when I was 19) telling me to do small acts of self care like treating self to a nice bath and me thinking it pathetic but she wasn’t wrong. I had to consciously choose to look after my self instead of letting myself be so unhappy.
After the last split, age 31, when fortunately I was in therapy and learning new patterns, I was devestated and did all the things - the music, the railing at the universe because it WASN’T FAIR - but I also managed to find a small logical part of me that said if he was the right person for me it would have worked out: we would have worked it out. I stopped trying to be in touch with him - avoided him, in fact. Let myself start to forget. And I managed to find a way through.
My last break up (age 52) was a different affair altogether. No drama, just two people who didn’t want to be together anymore. No urge to text etc.
I suppose I'm posting this to say - grieve the terrible losses (just this year I used the grief charity CRUSE to try to access my grief about my Mum). Put yourself first and give yourself time. You will, you can, heal.
What helped me was telling as many of my close friends the worst stuff about about ex, and then when I had my thoughts of contacting him, to tell them too, so they would remind me of the bad stuff (cause they didn't know about any of the small good moments that I missed). Also, giving him a nasty nick name helps. Also many people recommended Dr Ramani. and there is also Meadow de Vor (also on you tube) that is really good.
Giving him a nickname on the phone until you can go NO contact, is also key. And in the absence of human support, I actually trained my Chat GPT to talk me off the ledge of trying to go contact again.
It is really hard, but this year, after more than a year, I am doing much much better. And I am singing Taylor Swift's I forgot that you existed on the days when I feel like I need to contact him. Reminds me that I am better off alone. (and no, I am not a Taylor Swift fan- but you need new music as someone else said). And when the urge to contact him comes up, sit with the emotion and give yourself the love you're looking for. Looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself you are lovable has amazing effects (as weird as it may feel in the beginning). I am sorry you're going through this, but trust the universe, you can get through this. Sending lots of love (if you are reading this) or to anyone else who needs to hear this (including myself).
I am so glad you have made this available, Phillipa. I have previously shared your substack with a friend who REALLY needs to see this. Her partner is “not as extreme” as some, which I think gives her an unhelpful hesitation to label her own situation. It seems obvious from the outside that he is an emotional abuser, and has been for years. My friend literally shakes with fear sometimes, talking about him.
I have been on a crash-course reading resources on Women’s Aid and other charities supporting abused women. I now realise that this point my friend is at, deciding she has had enough, could be the most dangerous time for her. Which is scary.
Thanks also to other women sharing and adding their comments. The power of “conditioning” “habit” “addiction” (however we label it) is enormous. Here we have a woman trained in psychology and learning to be a therapist and even her knowledge has not protected her. 💞
A deep kind of attunement and listening to yourself now…How do you begin to recognise your needs? How do you begin to give yourself the love, attention, respect, understanding, compassion, and calm haven you need? If you listen quietly and carefully, you will hear how. Try and enjoy the journey. Be curious. It’s a great adventure. Big hug to you.
You have been through a lot and survived despite the most recent experiences with this man. I can identify with your story from my own younger self and the kind of relationships I was around as a child. I learned to understand that the kind of attention you experienced is not love. Repeat, it is not love. As mentioned, like addictions abstenance from 'romantic' relationships is key to begin to recover, develop a healthy relationship with and for yourself, learn boundaries and understand what love is in order to apply it to yourself first. Routine and developing awareness are also key. I am sorry that you experienced this person and their damaging behaviour. Have you reflected on the early warning signs about them? Its good to take note when meeting others as our vulnerability to this can take a little time to start to change.
Fantastic advice as always - the other problem is that due to the divorce not being finalised she has regular reminders about him and hasn’t yet been able to completely close that chapter. It takes a long time to heal and rumination about it often leads to nostalgia - remember the worst things he said and did and remind yourself of how awful that made you feel when tempted to go back. The brain has a tendency to forget the worst but you shouldn’t - and don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time you are doing so well already
Philippa's wise words are the best explanation I've ever seen of why people return to an abusive relationship. So that's the answer to 'why?' Insight on its own is not usually enough to change behaviour and my suggestion would be for the LW to concentrate now on the what, as in what should I do? If you take the lessons from thinking and practice around addiction, it doesn't seem to work to tail off gradually. Abrupt stopping seems to work better, so in this case complete no-contact, then absolutely prioritising how to rebuild her life, putting self-care and recovery at the centre of everything she does, including rebuilding her friendship network as a way of meeting her needs for love in a benign way. Plus finding the solicitor who can support her, taking care to choose someone who understands the delicacy of the whole situation - an aggressive attack-dog lawyer is probably not the answer.
Jane Monckton Smith’s book ‘In Control’ is a sobering read about the pattern these types of relationships follow and why women find them so difficult to leave.
Brilliant thankyou! Suzy Bliss writes regularly on here about narcissism - she’s educational, therapeutic, practical and supportive for those who are experiencing it’s traumatic effects. I also recommend the book by Dr Ramani - it’s not you
Interesting and timely advice. I am in the wreckage of a second marriage at the moment and so much said rings true. I am working at the routine aspect now and hope for glimmers of progress. Thankyou
I would advise watching Dr Ramani. She a world leading expert on narcasism and the mental consequences. Her you tube vids are highly empathic. Helps to understand them and yourself. Also healing, Dr Kristen Neff-self compassion. What we lose we seek externally. When we learn self compassion we find the love within ourselves that means what we seek that doesnt serve us we have the strength to turn away.
Thank you Philippa for this insight, I love how you put it. I hope you don`t mind if I write some of my experience with this, I feel this touches me. Please let me know if this is too much...
Don't listen to old music! The choice of music is crucial for mood management! Don't indulge in old memories, you need distraction skills and a very dedicated mind, a pretty strict regime like all addicts who are on their way out.
Last night I listened to a really interesting interview with Anna Lembke, addiction and dopamine expert at the Stanford Clinic, easy to find it on the internet. There is a real science behind behavioral addiction, and I think the knowledge about this has not spread enough.
Having had to deal with this problem myself on a certain level, and being a therapist for almost 20 years I want to tell you: it`s really good you asked Philippa, she really knows. It is not easy to get good advice, and many therapists don`t know enough about this. In Europe we don`t have this talk going on about "love addiction". We can discuss if this is a helpful framework, or just another buzz-word, but I think it is, despite it not being part of the ICD or DSM.
What I learned is that a strict regime in the beginning to get "sober" is really key. You need a certain level of recovery in order to tackle your old wounds.
Once the divorce is through go absolutely no-contact with this man. Avoid any unnecessary contact until then. The slightest getting in touch can make everything pop up again, it`s really like with a drug. And it will most probably stay like this with this man for the rest of your life. Stand off.
Keep on looking for an adequate therapist - I don`t know how much choice you have in your psychotherapy-training. I think it should be someone who deeply understands trauma (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, NARM - the professional needs to be really seasoned!), which is not the case with every therapist, even training-therapist. It takes a whole while to get into the depths professionally there.
You will recover - and some day be able to give so much to your later clients - what a gift! So many people are affected by this.
So true and such great advice. Going no contact was key in my case trying to get over a trauma bond (from someone way less abusive, but it was still bloody hard). It is really really hard, but then there is a moment, and you will barely remember, and it will not be hate, just indifference. The indifference is the goal.
Great post. I can really relate to this. My last relationship was with a person who was mentally unstable; extreme mood swings and verbally abusive. I left the relationship but it took me 4 years to break free from the addiction. It was difficult breaking contact but it was the best thing I could have done I got myself in a really good place, met my current partner of 13 years and look back and think thank goodness I made the break. I wish I had had Phillipa to advise me at that time.
You have a choice here. You have identified that sense of a big hole and the choice is whether you pour good solid things into it to make a foundation for a happy future, or acid.
Your daughter may be a big asset here. If you have been diminished, it can be hard to put your needs first but you are still a mother and considering the example you want to give her and if she is dependent on you now her security is important. I can see that you may have that lurking thought that this man offers something better financially than you have now... hold firm to your knowledge that this is illusory. You have what you need without this man. You say you don't know who you are but he got you at a particular life stage and in a particular context and that all changes - even without you having to do anything. Perhaps for a while keep writing out the first part of your letter to Philippa, type it, hand write it - and certainly, as you have said you will, keep re-reading her response. Honour the woman or women who got him onto the Clare's Law Register. Honour your future clients. Honour yourself and know that we are all cheering you on.
This man owes you financially - on top of everything else. I read the return of him and coming back to you as a calculated move possibly to deny the financial settlement which the LW really needs to support a new stable home and to to begin anew. He really owes LW and hope LW receives a healthy financial settlement that supports a peaceful and joyous new life.
I used to get like this at the end of every relationship (age 16-30) which I see clearly now was as much about me as them. I didn’t have any abusive partners but I did pick emotionally unavailable ones and even when I knew we were not good together I’d cling on and try and ‘win’ them back (usually I did and then eventually I’d dump them. Thinking about it maybe I was the love bomber, of a milder kind, which is an uncomfortable thought).
I was desperate for love. I felt the universe owed it me. I was also using it to grieve - having not grieved the loss of my mum (I was 10 when she died) - so my grief was always way more overwhelming than the relationship warranted. To start with I used alcohol and other self harm methods. I ended up in hospital once and self referred to hospital once and then I learnt I had to look after myself a bit in what was always going to be a time of crisis for me. I remember my first therapist (when I was 19) telling me to do small acts of self care like treating self to a nice bath and me thinking it pathetic but she wasn’t wrong. I had to consciously choose to look after my self instead of letting myself be so unhappy.
After the last split, age 31, when fortunately I was in therapy and learning new patterns, I was devestated and did all the things - the music, the railing at the universe because it WASN’T FAIR - but I also managed to find a small logical part of me that said if he was the right person for me it would have worked out: we would have worked it out. I stopped trying to be in touch with him - avoided him, in fact. Let myself start to forget. And I managed to find a way through.
My last break up (age 52) was a different affair altogether. No drama, just two people who didn’t want to be together anymore. No urge to text etc.
I suppose I'm posting this to say - grieve the terrible losses (just this year I used the grief charity CRUSE to try to access my grief about my Mum). Put yourself first and give yourself time. You will, you can, heal.
What helped me was telling as many of my close friends the worst stuff about about ex, and then when I had my thoughts of contacting him, to tell them too, so they would remind me of the bad stuff (cause they didn't know about any of the small good moments that I missed). Also, giving him a nasty nick name helps. Also many people recommended Dr Ramani. and there is also Meadow de Vor (also on you tube) that is really good.
Giving him a nickname on the phone until you can go NO contact, is also key. And in the absence of human support, I actually trained my Chat GPT to talk me off the ledge of trying to go contact again.
It is really hard, but this year, after more than a year, I am doing much much better. And I am singing Taylor Swift's I forgot that you existed on the days when I feel like I need to contact him. Reminds me that I am better off alone. (and no, I am not a Taylor Swift fan- but you need new music as someone else said). And when the urge to contact him comes up, sit with the emotion and give yourself the love you're looking for. Looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself you are lovable has amazing effects (as weird as it may feel in the beginning). I am sorry you're going through this, but trust the universe, you can get through this. Sending lots of love (if you are reading this) or to anyone else who needs to hear this (including myself).
I am so glad you have made this available, Phillipa. I have previously shared your substack with a friend who REALLY needs to see this. Her partner is “not as extreme” as some, which I think gives her an unhelpful hesitation to label her own situation. It seems obvious from the outside that he is an emotional abuser, and has been for years. My friend literally shakes with fear sometimes, talking about him.
I have been on a crash-course reading resources on Women’s Aid and other charities supporting abused women. I now realise that this point my friend is at, deciding she has had enough, could be the most dangerous time for her. Which is scary.
Thanks also to other women sharing and adding their comments. The power of “conditioning” “habit” “addiction” (however we label it) is enormous. Here we have a woman trained in psychology and learning to be a therapist and even her knowledge has not protected her. 💞
Perhaps you could be your first client?
A deep kind of attunement and listening to yourself now…How do you begin to recognise your needs? How do you begin to give yourself the love, attention, respect, understanding, compassion, and calm haven you need? If you listen quietly and carefully, you will hear how. Try and enjoy the journey. Be curious. It’s a great adventure. Big hug to you.
You have been through a lot and survived despite the most recent experiences with this man. I can identify with your story from my own younger self and the kind of relationships I was around as a child. I learned to understand that the kind of attention you experienced is not love. Repeat, it is not love. As mentioned, like addictions abstenance from 'romantic' relationships is key to begin to recover, develop a healthy relationship with and for yourself, learn boundaries and understand what love is in order to apply it to yourself first. Routine and developing awareness are also key. I am sorry that you experienced this person and their damaging behaviour. Have you reflected on the early warning signs about them? Its good to take note when meeting others as our vulnerability to this can take a little time to start to change.
Fantastic advice as always - the other problem is that due to the divorce not being finalised she has regular reminders about him and hasn’t yet been able to completely close that chapter. It takes a long time to heal and rumination about it often leads to nostalgia - remember the worst things he said and did and remind yourself of how awful that made you feel when tempted to go back. The brain has a tendency to forget the worst but you shouldn’t - and don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time you are doing so well already
You have made it through everything crap that life has thrown at you - you are still here. You can get through this x
Philippa's wise words are the best explanation I've ever seen of why people return to an abusive relationship. So that's the answer to 'why?' Insight on its own is not usually enough to change behaviour and my suggestion would be for the LW to concentrate now on the what, as in what should I do? If you take the lessons from thinking and practice around addiction, it doesn't seem to work to tail off gradually. Abrupt stopping seems to work better, so in this case complete no-contact, then absolutely prioritising how to rebuild her life, putting self-care and recovery at the centre of everything she does, including rebuilding her friendship network as a way of meeting her needs for love in a benign way. Plus finding the solicitor who can support her, taking care to choose someone who understands the delicacy of the whole situation - an aggressive attack-dog lawyer is probably not the answer.
Jane Monckton Smith’s book ‘In Control’ is a sobering read about the pattern these types of relationships follow and why women find them so difficult to leave.
Brilliant thankyou! Suzy Bliss writes regularly on here about narcissism - she’s educational, therapeutic, practical and supportive for those who are experiencing it’s traumatic effects. I also recommend the book by Dr Ramani - it’s not you
Good luck to your writer, go gently now ❤️
Interesting and timely advice. I am in the wreckage of a second marriage at the moment and so much said rings true. I am working at the routine aspect now and hope for glimmers of progress. Thankyou
Wise words from Philippa, please stand firm and be resolved not to engage with this dangerous toxic person.
I would advise watching Dr Ramani. She a world leading expert on narcasism and the mental consequences. Her you tube vids are highly empathic. Helps to understand them and yourself. Also healing, Dr Kristen Neff-self compassion. What we lose we seek externally. When we learn self compassion we find the love within ourselves that means what we seek that doesnt serve us we have the strength to turn away.