Why do I want to return to my abuser?
Trauma bonds explained
Dear Philippa,
I am in training as a therapist myself and have 30 years experience as a lecturer in Psychology.
I am 50, in the last push of a divorce from a second marriage which was made in haste from the start of lockdown and quickly after my dear Dad died and divorce from a long relationship with my first husband (we are still good friends).
My problem is this: my second husband love bombed, visited me at least twice a day, texts through the night, ate together every day from a week of meeting. I liked the attention at first and quickly fell in love with him. As soon as I moved myself and my daughter into his house he became verbally, financially (he is a wealthy man) and emotionally abusive. As soon as we were married he made it impossible for me to work, waking me at 2am to rant and rave and quickly became physically abusive, hurting me, vandalising and destroying my things and things my daughter (an artist) had made for me. He has been arrested twice and spent a total of 9 months on bail. I requested the first bail be dropped. We are at the final push of the divorce and he is under investigation with the CPS for coercive control (they went through the computers and the house) and assault (which I didn’t report, a housing officer I was speaking to via the police did). Solicitors are beginning to throw offers around for a settlement. I am currently in a temporary social housing refuge on a low wage from a part-time teaching role. Since this has happened he has been back in touch, came around, we made love again and it was as if it never happened. I have since found out that he is already on the Clare’s Law register for harassing his ex girlfriend. Since then it has been a month of drunken texts from him, at first declaring love and very quickly becoming derogatory, obscene and deliberately hurtful.
My problem is this: why can I not give up on the fantasy? Losing my Dad, my career, my daughter going away to uni in the middle of it all, and losing the promise of love. It’s too much for me. I’ve lived through a lot, coped with my only daughter being seriously ill, cancer, miscarriages, bankruptcy, all of it. But I don’t know who I am anymore. I still wish he had been true. I want to believe he is. What is the weird trauma bond glue? I have done the Freedom programme twice and it was great but left alone, I listen to the old songs and try to find a way that I might be wrong about it all. Why do we do that?
Any wise words or advice would be so gratefully received.
My reply
You describe the confusion that often follows abuse. It can feel impossible to know why you still long for someone who frightened and hurt you. The theory is that the same chemistry which binds us in love can also trap us in fear. When affection and threat come from the same person, the brain does not know which state to stay in. I might guess that your longing is not for him now but for the feeling of safety that first seemed to arrive with him. You’d been through so much and he promised you a fantasy of a fantastic life. It’s hard to let that dream go.
You have faced loss after loss. Your father’s death, the end of your first marriage, the shock of the second marriage turning violent and all the other awful stuff that happened to you. Each one took something that once gave you ground. You were depleted and open to comfort. He arrived with certainty and attention, and it must have felt like air after holding your breath. The theory is that our need for repair after pain can make us vulnerable to intensity that feels like rescue.
It might help to think about love bombing. It looks like devotion but is usually a form of control. The early messages, the constant contact, the big promises, the sense that this person sees you completely. It can feel like being chosen. The pattern is that the same intensity is then withdrawn or turned against you. The early rush was never sustainable. What looked like love was a way to secure your attention. Once you see this, the later cruelty begins to make a different kind of sense.
The trauma bond is the body’s attempt to find safety inside danger. The theory is that each time he alternates affection and threat, your system releases dopamine for each high, and this drives addiction. The cure is slow and dull by comparison. Structure, food, sleep, and small daily routines that teach the body that calm can exist without drama.
When you feel the urge to contact him or to rewrite what happened, you might tell yourself, “This is my body remembering danger as love.” Over time, safety will begin to feel less foreign.
It’s the same thing as why a kid loves a shouting, smacking parent, the bond is what keeps him alive. Because humans are pack animals, we need the pack to survive we are wired to keep a bond.
You are recovering from something that distorted love and safety. The work is to let the ordinary become trustworthy again. You have other people in your life, nurture those bonds and keep away from this controlling man.
And, getting to the other side of this, which you will, I believe will make you a better therapist.
Her reply to my reply
Thank you sincerely, that makes good sense and I am very grateful. I will read it every day and hold it close. Thank you so much. x
Resources
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
https://clares-law.com
Thank you Philippa for this insight, I love how you put it. I hope you don`t mind if I write some of my experience with this, I feel this touches me. Please let me know if this is too much...
Don't listen to old music! The choice of music is crucial for mood management! Don't indulge in old memories, you need distraction skills and a very dedicated mind, a pretty strict regime like all addicts who are on their way out.
Last night I listened to a really interesting interview with Anna Lembke, addiction and dopamine expert at the Stanford Clinic, easy to find it on the internet. There is a real science behind behavioral addiction, and I think the knowledge about this has not spread enough.
Having had to deal with this problem myself on a certain level, and being a therapist for almost 20 years I want to tell you: it`s really good you asked Philippa, she really knows. It is not easy to get good advice, and many therapists don`t know enough about this. In Europe we don`t have this talk going on about "love addiction". We can discuss if this is a helpful framework, or just another buzz-word, but I think it is, despite it not being part of the ICD or DSM.
What I learned is that a strict regime in the beginning to get "sober" is really key. You need a certain level of recovery in order to tackle your old wounds.
Once the divorce is through go absolutely no-contact with this man. Avoid any unnecessary contact until then. The slightest getting in touch can make everything pop up again, it`s really like with a drug. And it will most probably stay like this with this man for the rest of your life. Stand off.
Keep on looking for an adequate therapist - I don`t know how much choice you have in your psychotherapy-training. I think it should be someone who deeply understands trauma (EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, NARM - the professional needs to be really seasoned!), which is not the case with every therapist, even training-therapist. It takes a whole while to get into the depths professionally there.
You will recover - and some day be able to give so much to your later clients - what a gift! So many people are affected by this.
You have a choice here. You have identified that sense of a big hole and the choice is whether you pour good solid things into it to make a foundation for a happy future, or acid.
Your daughter may be a big asset here. If you have been diminished, it can be hard to put your needs first but you are still a mother and considering the example you want to give her and if she is dependent on you now her security is important. I can see that you may have that lurking thought that this man offers something better financially than you have now... hold firm to your knowledge that this is illusory. You have what you need without this man. You say you don't know who you are but he got you at a particular life stage and in a particular context and that all changes - even without you having to do anything. Perhaps for a while keep writing out the first part of your letter to Philippa, type it, hand write it - and certainly, as you have said you will, keep re-reading her response. Honour the woman or women who got him onto the Clare's Law Register. Honour your future clients. Honour yourself and know that we are all cheering you on.