Siblings
How to help them get along
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Dear Philippa,
I have a daughter age 4 and a son of 18 months. My daughter is what one might describe as a ‘deeply feeling kid’ - always big emotions and also very energetic at home. Today we had agreed that I would take her out in the afternoon to buy something nice at the shops. After lunch she was running around with her little brother and threw a toy pram at him - intentionally. It hurt his arm and he cried. Not the first time - she pushed him over last night while they were playing alongside. (He’s ok now thankfully!)
I really am struggling to deal with this. I have read that I should be essentially ‘ignoring’ the behaviour to her little brother in order to foster good relationships between them. But equally I can’t quite go along with the idea that I should not be reacting at all to it. I know getting a new sibling is really hard on the older one and am trying to make sure she doesn’t feel left out but it is hard!
Immediately after throwing the pram at him she asked me when we were going out to buy her the dress. I was really upset and said I was too unhappy to go out today and maybe tomorrow. I said I was unhappy because her little brother got hurt. She then had a big meltdown. She’s still asking me when we can go to the shop. (My husband is with the kids right now and I slipped away to write this email.) I wanted to go to the shops to buy her something nice, I still do. I have half a mind to take her after a talk but my husband on the other hand feels it would be the wrong thing to do!
I’m also trying to break the cycle of saying things like ‘if you don’t stop throwing those toys / pushing your little brother around then we will not be going to playground etc’. I try not to but when I’m tired it’s so difficult to keep doing things ‘by the book.’
I would be so grateful for any help or advice here.
Thank you,
My Reply
She is jealous of her little brother and any punishment she gets because of her treatment of him is going to make her more resentful of him. She used to have you and dad all to herself and now she has to share you. How would you feel if your husband got another wife and said, you are so lucky to have a fellow wife, now get on together.
If her life improves because of her brother, so will her attitude towards him. But this will take time. In the meantime remember, all behaviour is communication and she needs to find a more acceptable way of expressing herself than hurting her brother. So put her feelings (which you won’t like or think justified!) into words, so she can learn to put her feelings into words rather than undesirable actions. What are her feelings towards her brother? “You find x really annoying at times don’t you?” “If you are cross what would be a better thing to do rather than hitting?” I think go and buy the new dress and use the opportunity to have a really good listen about how she feels towards her brother and how it’s tough for her. You will wish that she felt differently, but she doesn’t, and punishing her will make her hate him, not you or dad because she depends on you two.
You can also do I statements, “I feel hurt too when you hurt your brother” “What can you do differently?”
You don’t have to fix her feelings, just hear them and be with her in them. We all like to be felt with rather than dealt with.
It’s all explained in greater length in my book “The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read” - the paperback has an extra chapter on siblings. Also try “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Faber and Mazlish.
Her response to my reply
Hi Philippa,
Thank you so much for this response. My husband and I found it so helpful. We have been keeping it on mind when she acts out at her brother and you know, It has really helped us all.
"I have read that I should be essentially ‘ignoring’ the behaviour to her little brother in order to foster good relationships between them."
I cannot fathom how this could be the conventional advice for parents. This is what my parents did and it made my childhood miserable. My older sister bullied me all the way until she left for university because everyone ignored her behaviour and never stopped her. She pinched me until I bruised and told me I was stupid on an almost daily basis. I was scared of her. She said she would make my life a living hell, and she did.
I'm not casting blame on the letter writer just for being the messenger, and I love Philippa's alternative advice and think it makes a lot of sense. But as I think about starting my own family, it makes me scared that simply ignoring the behaviour is the advice available out there for parents, and the advice my own parents probably accepted because they didn't know any better.
This advice may have been in your book, Philippa, or somewhere else, but what has served us well so far with siblings is immediately and mostly focusing on the victim of the behaviour. Picking them up, asking them how they feel and making sure they get to express that in front of the “perp”; if they are pre-verbal having a fuss in other ways. It seems to build empathy and also to make the perp understand where the “reward” of attention goes . . . but then we’ve also put in a lot of time making the oldest understand they’re still loved and considered all the time.