Shame
And how to stop it taunting you
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Dear Philippa,
My issue is shame. Shame about the person I used to be and the things I did in my past that I can now see were selfish, hurtful to others and possibly morally indefensible .
I’m now in my late sixties and life is probably better than it’s ever been for me in terms of contentment , being around people who validate and like me, and enjoying an active retirement.
But I can’t escape from ruminating (generally in the early hours) about all the ‘bad ‘ things I’ve done in the past and how if the people around me now knew of them they’d be horrified and re-think their view of me.
Don’t get me wrong it’s not anything criminal, it’s those things we do in life that impact others negatively , or mistakes I made at previous jobs that meant people thought I was incompetent (and looking back I can see that I was!)
I grew up in an emotionally cold family with a father who I can now see was a bully - and probably a narcissist - and a mother who was quite weak. She put my father on a pedestal and his needs were prioritised before those of her 4 children . I’ve always thought that if my father had physically/sexually abused us (he never did save for smacking) she would have been the type of woman who would have told us we were making it up.
Over the years I’ve had a lot of therapy which I’ve found truly life changing. It’s given me the tools to see rationally that when I was younger I just didn’t have the emotional maturity or family support to navigate life easily. I spent far too many years trying to live the life my parents wanted, which I can now see was entirely wrong for me. But in trying to cope I made these terrible ‘mistakes’ that now keep me awake at night. I occasionally see people around from that previous life and it’s clear they have no time for me and I don’t blame them - I’d be the same if I were them.
By way of example, I had an affair with a friend’s husband, which I’m so ashamed about now. At the time it made me feel attractive and desired. Needless to say it ended badly with my quite rightly losing several friends and any reputation I may have had as being a good friend. I lived in a smallish village at the time and the fall out was horrendous.
I also spend a lot of time thinking about times I’ve been insensitive or have missed the significance of certain interactions and have ended up upsetting people or humiliating myself. Humiliation features strongly actually. It’s a hard feeling to deal with.
So my questions are - am I ever going to be at peace with myself over this stuff ? How do reformed criminals - who must feel the same - learn the ability to move beyond their past ? Am I destined to spend even more time in therapy ?
It would be great if you could help me.
My Reply (and then her reply to my reply)
What you’re describing is not really about morality, I think it’s more about time.
It sounds like you are judging your earlier self with the understanding you have now, and then punishing yourself for not having possessed it then. That inner trial never ends, because the verdict is already decided.
Shame keeps you awake in the early hours because it believes vigilance is a form of moral repair. It isn’t. Hannah Arendt wrote about responsibility without self-destruction. Acknowledging harm does not require lifelong self-contempt. In fact, permanent self-punishment keeps you fused to the past rather than allowing it to recede.
Paul Ricoeur wrote about narrative identity: we are not identical to our past actions, but the ones who go on living after them. Change is shown not by endless remorse, but by sustained difference in how we behave now.
You ask about reformed criminals. What enables them to move forward is not so much forgetting, or universal forgiveness. It is accepting that some consequences remain, while refusing to turn their whole identity into a catalogue of wrongdoing. They live responsibly in the present rather than repeatedly revisiting the past.
You have already done the important bit. You can see clearly, you regret appropriately and you are living differently. The difficulty now is that your mind is using shame as a guard dog, as if self-attack will prevent you from ever repeating those mistakes. But you are no longer that person.
What may help more than further analysis is learning to watch the shame thoughts rather than engage with them. When they appear, you don’t need to rebut them, explain yourself, or confess again. You notice them, name them as shame, and return your attention to the present. Observe them, but don’t be them. With this method, over time, they will lose their authority.
Peace doesn’t come from a flawless past. It comes from accepting that you are a fallible human being who learned, changed, and carried on living. That is not something you need to keep punishing yourself for.
Her reply to my reply
Dear Philippa ,
Thank you for such a kind and helpful reply.
I feel you really understand the issue and I particularly liked your suggestions for re-framing the thoughts so I don’t continue the self- flagellation. I also really identified with the phrase ‘change is shown not by endless remorse, but by sustained difference in how we behave now’ and will do my best to put that into action.
Thank you for helping to lift quite a hefty weight off my shoulders.
There’s a sliding scale of embarrassment, guilt, shame and humiliation - all subtly different - shame is often the one that brings people to therapy👇
Philippa has kindly reminded us all of something she has said many times before. Because it is SO worth repeating.
OBSERVE it, don't BE it.
I keep this mantra in my head because if you can do it, you will create a vital space/gap in your head. When you observe your own thoughts, it frees you from a process that will probably not serve you, will keep you fixed and ON THE SPOT. You are CURIOUS about the way you are thinking, not trapped by it. The gap opens up, inviting you to MOVE through it and realise yoy potential for CHANGE and FORWARD MOTION.