Superb. Thank you! First- I love your advice to the specific LW here (so glad her partner is seemingly very switched-on and will hopefully be a continuing support for the process of what she needs to do). She’s in a similar bind to one I recognise from my relationship with my own parents, both now dead for thirty-odd years, so for me her story is especially poignant to read. The constant anxiety and overwhelm in her situation are very familiar- so glad she has asked for help. I wish her shedloads of The Best and am sure your suggestions will help her hugely. (Brings one back to your two book titles ‘Things you wish you’d…’ be e she already sees how damaging this is being to her- result- and now she has guidelines for change.)
Second- The whole ‘therapeutic letter-writing’ approach is one I used to suggest, myself, to my (GP) patients. It worked well if they did it, but I wished I could tell them more about it at the time. Thank you for explaining in such useful and interesting detail how and why it does work.
This response fills out so much vital detail in the oft (and very appropriately) suggested 'write a letter whether you send it or not'.
There is mention of the letter writer catastrophising. Essentially it feels as though her parents are frightening her. They may not even be quite as distressed (overall) by their own situation as she is - they have found their outlets, she doesn't have one. She's absolutely right that she's the wrong person for this - even if it wasn't affecting her so badly, but especially because it is.
Some practical things she might do as well (firstly, this is ingrained behaviour and secondly her mother needs to know she means it) - look for ways to foster friendships for her mother, engage with her mother in places and at times which don't lend themselves to these sorts of long emotional discussions, getting up and walking away for a while (whether that's to make a cup of tea or 'just got to check something' or even "Look, squirrel!") It may be that it has to be OK for her mother to say "I'm a bit stressed, you know, your Dad"... and stop right there rather than asking her mother to pretend.
Such great advice. I found myself in a similar position for the last 15/20 years of my mum’s life (she died last year). Events that had happened 40 years prior in her life with my dad (who died 20 years ago) were rehashed again and again to the point she lost all her confidence, despite there being no way to resolve it with him. All advice fell on deaf ears and I struggled with that role of fixer. It wasn’t as constant as this lady’s sounds, because she was also great fun and a huge support to me. But it took its toll on us both and I couldn’t give her the peace she needed. Thank you for this, you’ve helped me see this much more clearly today.
Reading this filled me with anxious discomforts. Even the nicest of parents can't help being fuck ups (insert mandatory lines from Larkin poem) for they are human after all, but it's exhausting dealing with their shit even as an adult child. I've always wondered how much we should suck up out of politeness, gratitude and, yes, love, and how much to just put a hand up to and go, ENOUGH!
Your advice is so relevant to my late husband whose suicide has left me sad, guilty and if honest sometimes relieved. I'm taking a pen up now to write a letter I can't send but will help me Philippa
This is wonderful, thank you. May I suggest I think it’s worth mentioning in the essay that the letter is best written by hand with a pen and a piece of paper? It seems implicit in your words that “writing “ means that physical act of bringing a letter into being. Personally I think the physical act of producing the words is more immediate than tapping them out on a keyboard and that much of the psychological and physical effect depends on this, although I don’t know of any research to support what I’m saying! What do you think?
Many women fear and suffer from their abusive husbands, yet Many women are afraid of their abusive husbands, suffer, and yet, for existential reasons, they often refuse to leave the relationship!
Such wise advice. I love this letters, they are so calm and compassionate to ALL parties. I'd also suggest the book The Dance of Anger, which is enlightening about boundary setting when you've been over functioning and saving people as a habit.
If it helps the LW to take this step with a bit more confidence, what she’s doing now isn’t changing anything, they still carry on being miserable. So if she takes them at face value and really takes action by making them face their own problems themselves like adults by withdrawing her emotional safety valve then it’s a positive action.
Parents using their offspring in this way are corrupting a power dynamic. It doesn’t matter how bad their own childhoods were.
I agree with the part of this response about getting some other place to express these emotions and events that the daughter finds so difficult to deal with as the sole carrier of that burden.
However - when you tell someone that there are important parts of their life that they must not speak to you about then you effectively decide to lose that part of them. That might be essential as in this case perhaps but is a big price to pay in a close and important relationship. Part of them is then masked from you. You have lost some of who they are.
Personally I wouldn’t want to cut off bits of my relationship with important people in my life like that.
I think I’d rather tell them about the effect it has on me - so that I’m not partly masked either - and seek their support in managing it so that coming away from these conversations is done in a controlled way where each side accepts responsibilities for the well being and reassurance of each other. And if there is some other place for some of it to go like counselling with some therapeutic solutions then perhaps the onslaught might be less full-on.
Of course if it is past bearing for the daughter then that’s that. But not wanting to hear about the distress of someone close to you who you love and who loves you - however long it has gone on and however resistant they seem to all solutions - well that’s going to change that relationship and the price will be some closeness gone. It’s inevitable.
Sometimes it will be worth losing part of that person to save yourself. The constant negativity can damage you physically and mentally. You chose them or you. For me? I’ve had 50 years of it and I’m full of it and that’s it. No more.
Yes you are right - sometimes it is. It brings a big change though and in your case it was to be desired. My concern was that people shouldn’t think they can fence off an area that matters a lot to one person in a relationship and then think they can relationship will continue as before. It won’t. It will affect and reduce closeness. And in your case that’s a good outcome.
'Not wanting to' is already there and will be having an impact on the mother as well as the daughter. The question is 'Can she insist, practically, morally, that she doesn't?' - I am not entirely sure it is OK to go into too much detail about how someone's behaviour is affecting you (why risk adding guilt to all they are experiencing?), just that it is and that you are drawing a line. Sometimes it is that very sense that someone is reluctant, but not actually saying so, that ramps up the dumping, the neediness.
Such wonderful wisdom and compassion .. as always Philippa . How generous to create the letter templates.. I’m sure she has made them her own already and has sent them. Thank you so much ☺️ x
This is such a familiar situation and nearly identical to mine. The stress is adding to chronic long term and painful illness of mine, as they’ve moved closer. I am firmly shutting down the negativeness they both seek to download on me. I simply can’t take it anymore as I try and pull myself physically out of a flare I find myself in. This is in contrast to my younger brother who has found my parents only to ever be a support. I suppose I’m angry about the difference in treatment too. I have been journaling and meditating about this. It has given me a certain clarity and I know have to protect myself rather than soak up their misery, fix their problems and relationship.
Love this post, thank you & to India Knight for leading me here. I do actually do this, write letters I send & don’t send and letters to myself and to my body. So reassuring to read of its effectiveness. It has also inspired me to write more letters and more often. Thanks again.
Superb. Thank you! First- I love your advice to the specific LW here (so glad her partner is seemingly very switched-on and will hopefully be a continuing support for the process of what she needs to do). She’s in a similar bind to one I recognise from my relationship with my own parents, both now dead for thirty-odd years, so for me her story is especially poignant to read. The constant anxiety and overwhelm in her situation are very familiar- so glad she has asked for help. I wish her shedloads of The Best and am sure your suggestions will help her hugely. (Brings one back to your two book titles ‘Things you wish you’d…’ be e she already sees how damaging this is being to her- result- and now she has guidelines for change.)
Second- The whole ‘therapeutic letter-writing’ approach is one I used to suggest, myself, to my (GP) patients. It worked well if they did it, but I wished I could tell them more about it at the time. Thank you for explaining in such useful and interesting detail how and why it does work.
All brilliant stuff.
What a brilliant resource, Philippa - thank you
This response fills out so much vital detail in the oft (and very appropriately) suggested 'write a letter whether you send it or not'.
There is mention of the letter writer catastrophising. Essentially it feels as though her parents are frightening her. They may not even be quite as distressed (overall) by their own situation as she is - they have found their outlets, she doesn't have one. She's absolutely right that she's the wrong person for this - even if it wasn't affecting her so badly, but especially because it is.
Some practical things she might do as well (firstly, this is ingrained behaviour and secondly her mother needs to know she means it) - look for ways to foster friendships for her mother, engage with her mother in places and at times which don't lend themselves to these sorts of long emotional discussions, getting up and walking away for a while (whether that's to make a cup of tea or 'just got to check something' or even "Look, squirrel!") It may be that it has to be OK for her mother to say "I'm a bit stressed, you know, your Dad"... and stop right there rather than asking her mother to pretend.
Such great advice. I found myself in a similar position for the last 15/20 years of my mum’s life (she died last year). Events that had happened 40 years prior in her life with my dad (who died 20 years ago) were rehashed again and again to the point she lost all her confidence, despite there being no way to resolve it with him. All advice fell on deaf ears and I struggled with that role of fixer. It wasn’t as constant as this lady’s sounds, because she was also great fun and a huge support to me. But it took its toll on us both and I couldn’t give her the peace she needed. Thank you for this, you’ve helped me see this much more clearly today.
Reading this filled me with anxious discomforts. Even the nicest of parents can't help being fuck ups (insert mandatory lines from Larkin poem) for they are human after all, but it's exhausting dealing with their shit even as an adult child. I've always wondered how much we should suck up out of politeness, gratitude and, yes, love, and how much to just put a hand up to and go, ENOUGH!
I think everyone has their individual limit. Say, Enough✋just before you reach it.
Your advice is so relevant to my late husband whose suicide has left me sad, guilty and if honest sometimes relieved. I'm taking a pen up now to write a letter I can't send but will help me Philippa
That is an incredibly helpful and valuable post which also chimes with me and will do with so many others, thank you for sharing
This is wonderful, thank you. May I suggest I think it’s worth mentioning in the essay that the letter is best written by hand with a pen and a piece of paper? It seems implicit in your words that “writing “ means that physical act of bringing a letter into being. Personally I think the physical act of producing the words is more immediate than tapping them out on a keyboard and that much of the psychological and physical effect depends on this, although I don’t know of any research to support what I’m saying! What do you think?
Maybe. But it perhaps wouldn't lend itself to revision and it can be in the drafting and redrafting that things are worked through.
Good point.
Many women fear and suffer from their abusive husbands, yet Many women are afraid of their abusive husbands, suffer, and yet, for existential reasons, they often refuse to leave the relationship!
What a great resource. Thank you.
Such wise advice. I love this letters, they are so calm and compassionate to ALL parties. I'd also suggest the book The Dance of Anger, which is enlightening about boundary setting when you've been over functioning and saving people as a habit.
If it helps the LW to take this step with a bit more confidence, what she’s doing now isn’t changing anything, they still carry on being miserable. So if she takes them at face value and really takes action by making them face their own problems themselves like adults by withdrawing her emotional safety valve then it’s a positive action.
Parents using their offspring in this way are corrupting a power dynamic. It doesn’t matter how bad their own childhoods were.
I agree with the part of this response about getting some other place to express these emotions and events that the daughter finds so difficult to deal with as the sole carrier of that burden.
However - when you tell someone that there are important parts of their life that they must not speak to you about then you effectively decide to lose that part of them. That might be essential as in this case perhaps but is a big price to pay in a close and important relationship. Part of them is then masked from you. You have lost some of who they are.
Personally I wouldn’t want to cut off bits of my relationship with important people in my life like that.
I think I’d rather tell them about the effect it has on me - so that I’m not partly masked either - and seek their support in managing it so that coming away from these conversations is done in a controlled way where each side accepts responsibilities for the well being and reassurance of each other. And if there is some other place for some of it to go like counselling with some therapeutic solutions then perhaps the onslaught might be less full-on.
Of course if it is past bearing for the daughter then that’s that. But not wanting to hear about the distress of someone close to you who you love and who loves you - however long it has gone on and however resistant they seem to all solutions - well that’s going to change that relationship and the price will be some closeness gone. It’s inevitable.
Sometimes it will be worth losing part of that person to save yourself. The constant negativity can damage you physically and mentally. You chose them or you. For me? I’ve had 50 years of it and I’m full of it and that’s it. No more.
Yes you are right - sometimes it is. It brings a big change though and in your case it was to be desired. My concern was that people shouldn’t think they can fence off an area that matters a lot to one person in a relationship and then think they can relationship will continue as before. It won’t. It will affect and reduce closeness. And in your case that’s a good outcome.
Yes true, you have to be at peace with the fact that you may also lose a positive part of the relationship because you have put constraints on it.
'Not wanting to' is already there and will be having an impact on the mother as well as the daughter. The question is 'Can she insist, practically, morally, that she doesn't?' - I am not entirely sure it is OK to go into too much detail about how someone's behaviour is affecting you (why risk adding guilt to all they are experiencing?), just that it is and that you are drawing a line. Sometimes it is that very sense that someone is reluctant, but not actually saying so, that ramps up the dumping, the neediness.
Such wonderful wisdom and compassion .. as always Philippa . How generous to create the letter templates.. I’m sure she has made them her own already and has sent them. Thank you so much ☺️ x
This is such a familiar situation and nearly identical to mine. The stress is adding to chronic long term and painful illness of mine, as they’ve moved closer. I am firmly shutting down the negativeness they both seek to download on me. I simply can’t take it anymore as I try and pull myself physically out of a flare I find myself in. This is in contrast to my younger brother who has found my parents only to ever be a support. I suppose I’m angry about the difference in treatment too. I have been journaling and meditating about this. It has given me a certain clarity and I know have to protect myself rather than soak up their misery, fix their problems and relationship.
Love this post, thank you & to India Knight for leading me here. I do actually do this, write letters I send & don’t send and letters to myself and to my body. So reassuring to read of its effectiveness. It has also inspired me to write more letters and more often. Thanks again.