Thanks, Philippa. This behavior is what ended my 25 year marriage. It is SO hurtful to see your husband, who is being cold to you, smiling at the latest text from her. I begged and pleaded with him to stay but of course he left. It badly damaged our teenage children. Last autumn, though, the affair partner, whom he married in 2018, drunkenly wrecked their car while on the way home from cheating on my ex. She also had him arrested for DV. Karma bus, everyone aboard!
I didn’t expect to see myself and my marriage reflected in today’s post but there you go. A different scenario - a Ukrainian refugee we took in, so the added challenge of having the woman and her daughter living under our roof - but the need to be a knight in shining armour rings true. This period came at a point in our married and family life where after a long period of illness and disruption I was feeling stronger in every sense. My husband is a natural problem solver, and I have been happy for him to have that role for chunks of our marriage and I hadn't realised how shaky our foundations were before the refugees arrived. Neither did I realise that me feeling stronger could be a bad thing for our marriage. I’ll leave it there but so much of your insight and advice rings true. Happily we’re in a better place now, together and the emotional bruises have faded but I’ve never come as close to leaving as I did during that time and he knows that.
In finding myself infuriated with this man (it reminded me of Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman in Love Actually), I can't help wondering where this woman's rage is, and considering the pros and cons of tapping into, and unleashing it!
Whether the relationship is sexual or not, the constant texting is a betrayal. But I also understand the psychological strength required to fully engage with this, express anger, assert boundaries and be prepared to face the consequences.
I feel I want this woman to know she's actually the more grown up, psychologically mature person in this couple - and it is her husband who has work to do on himself. Sadly, we cannot force people to go and get therapeutic help, but possibly an ultimatum on the marriage might bring this about.
Respectfully--a woman's rage is what a weak man like the husband fears. I raged and raged at my husband, until I realized it was counterproductive to my goal, keeping our marriage intact.
I never thought of my ex as weak, but he certainly was at that juncture. I insisted he stop texting her and go to marriage counseling with me. There, I insisted we give our marriage a six month trial in which he would have nothing to do with the afffair partner. On one of our date nights (sigh), he said he wished the six months was up already so he could leave. Sigh. He was no longer the lovable boy I married straight out of college. What a wimp. What a loser. If you want to leave, leave, don't string me along for six months without giving our marriage a try as you promised. And yes, of course he didn't stop with the affair partner as he'd promised. I can't believe I loved him so much. I still do love the person he used to be.
I would have said no, re my husband. When I read his texts to the other woman, I realized he did in fact give her money so she could fly to be with him on business trips.
Thanks, Philippa. This behavior is what ended my 25 year marriage. It is SO hurtful to see your husband, who is being cold to you, smiling at the latest text from her. I begged and pleaded with him to stay but of course he left. It badly damaged our teenage children. Last autumn, though, the affair partner, whom he married in 2018, drunkenly wrecked their car while on the way home from cheating on my ex. She also had him arrested for DV. Karma bus, everyone aboard!
I didn’t expect to see myself and my marriage reflected in today’s post but there you go. A different scenario - a Ukrainian refugee we took in, so the added challenge of having the woman and her daughter living under our roof - but the need to be a knight in shining armour rings true. This period came at a point in our married and family life where after a long period of illness and disruption I was feeling stronger in every sense. My husband is a natural problem solver, and I have been happy for him to have that role for chunks of our marriage and I hadn't realised how shaky our foundations were before the refugees arrived. Neither did I realise that me feeling stronger could be a bad thing for our marriage. I’ll leave it there but so much of your insight and advice rings true. Happily we’re in a better place now, together and the emotional bruises have faded but I’ve never come as close to leaving as I did during that time and he knows that.
Sorry this happened to your Harriet and hope you are over the worst.
Thank you, we're good now but it was very tough there for a while, for us both.
I am so sorry you went through that. Unitil I read Philippa's response I didn't realize that my strength was a factor in my ex's decision to leave.
In finding myself infuriated with this man (it reminded me of Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman in Love Actually), I can't help wondering where this woman's rage is, and considering the pros and cons of tapping into, and unleashing it!
Whether the relationship is sexual or not, the constant texting is a betrayal. But I also understand the psychological strength required to fully engage with this, express anger, assert boundaries and be prepared to face the consequences.
I feel I want this woman to know she's actually the more grown up, psychologically mature person in this couple - and it is her husband who has work to do on himself. Sadly, we cannot force people to go and get therapeutic help, but possibly an ultimatum on the marriage might bring this about.
Respectfully--a woman's rage is what a weak man like the husband fears. I raged and raged at my husband, until I realized it was counterproductive to my goal, keeping our marriage intact.
I never thought of my ex as weak, but he certainly was at that juncture. I insisted he stop texting her and go to marriage counseling with me. There, I insisted we give our marriage a six month trial in which he would have nothing to do with the afffair partner. On one of our date nights (sigh), he said he wished the six months was up already so he could leave. Sigh. He was no longer the lovable boy I married straight out of college. What a wimp. What a loser. If you want to leave, leave, don't string me along for six months without giving our marriage a try as you promised. And yes, of course he didn't stop with the affair partner as he'd promised. I can't believe I loved him so much. I still do love the person he used to be.
Is he giving her money? Thats a kicker of a question to leave to the end!
But wise advice.
I would have said no, re my husband. When I read his texts to the other woman, I realized he did in fact give her money so she could fly to be with him on business trips.
Beautifully balanced and sage advice, as usual. Love it.
Very wise words.