Ask Philippa: "I beat up my partner, but let me explain..."
This is a repost of this morning's substack because only a third of you opened it. I reckoned I gave it the wrong title. Trying again.
If you have a problem for ASK PHILIPPA please write to me at AskPhilippa@Yahoo.com, subject to my terms and conditions
When someone commits an act of violence, especially in the context of a long-term relationship, they often try to explain it away: stress, provocation, a moment of “madness.” But violence doesn’t arise in a vacuum. It reveals something about control, about how we see others, and about the roles we assign ourselves in the stories we tell.
The Question
I am 54 and my partner is 71, we have been together for 12 years. She herself has said I have been a magnificent support to her over this time. Recently her drinking problem got worse. Tragically all my efforts to help her cut down failed, plus she turned down an offer of professional help. A month ago, after my partner had been drinking again, she tried to wrestle my phone out of my hands. Usually, I walk away from these alcohol fuelled rows but my partner wouldn't stop and I snapped - firstly hitting her on her arm, but then I lost my temper completely, and hit her a few more times. It only lasted 50 seconds. I saw the fear on her face then I stopped immediately and went outside to pull myself together. My partner crossed a line beyond which I lost control. I have regretted it ever since. She called the police, and I spent 23 hours in custody before being released on a caution as it was obvious the episode was a one-off and I was full of remorse. I have not been allowed to return home and I have been in B&B's for 4 weeks. All my belongings have been packed up in my absence. There has been no attempt to hear why this happened by neither her son, nor herself, nor anyone else. No one will listen to what I have been through these past few years what with her drinking and self inflicted problems. I could be supporting her now if I was there. I have been judged on less than a minute of insanity. I have been offered individual counselling, but not couples counselling which is what we need. What can be done to restore our relationship?
The Answer
For reasons of space I have cut your original email by about 1000 words but in it you told me what a supportive, loving partner you are to an apparently troubled woman. Then I got to the violence. I was shocked. Fifty seconds is a long time to be battered. Being so precise with the length of time the assault lasted shows a significant awareness of what you were doing. You describe hitting your partner on her arm, but then you lose your temper completely, and hit her again, and now when the violence escalates, you’re suddenly vague as to precisely where you hit her next.
You ask what can be done to restore your relationship. The reality is, that is neither a viable nor a safe option, not just for your partner, but for you. Your focus needs to shift from reconciliation to reflection, accountability, and significant personal change. Your partner may never feel safe with you again, and that would be a rational, trauma-informed response to what she experienced. I doubt the decision not to hear you out is about punishment; it is more likely to be about survival.
I consulted Jerry Hyde (also on Substack) a therapist who has extensive experience of working with perpetrators of domestic violence and he told me, "This is always the story with the perpetrator, they say they were provoked and then lost control for a very short while, but they are never really out of control, there is always a decision making process as to how and to what extent they deliver the assault. What’s also true is that in order to be able to assault their partner they need to objectify them, and the violence only stops when they remember they are hitting a human”.
This is what happened when you saw the fear in her face, she ceased to be just an unreasonable drunk and you saw your partner again.
Most of us have victim, rescuer, and persecutor selves. You seem attached to your rescuer self, and as a rescuer needs a victim, you make your partner into that victim. It feels quite parasitical, as though your sense of identity depends on her neediness. That’s not love. It is control disguised as care. It is as though you need her to be needy, dysfunctional or unreasonable so that you have a role as her support, but actually it appears to me that you are using her for your sense of self, so when she goes from being in her victim role and turns instead to being a persecutor, you have to return her into being a victim so you can get back to being her "support".
You may be remorseful about what happened, but you are not taking responsibility for it. It wasn't her who crossed the line as you claim, it was you. Once that line has been crossed, there is no going back, especially as you call it fifty seconds of insanity, rather than admitting you were still in control because you were, and if you really don't know that, then it’s another reason why your relationship has to be over.
You can still learn from this. You don't have to stay stuck in the manipulative behaviours, of rescuer, victim, persecutor. You can humanise those roles. The rescuer humanised is your capacity to be caring without taking the other's power nor objectifying or belittling them. The persecutor humanised is your ability to be assertive, without destroying the other person, and the victim humanised is someone comfortable with their vulnerability, who knows how to ask for help in an adult, non-manipulative way. Go to counselling to learn how to put this humanising into practice and learn how to be yourself without trying to manipulate how others see you, without having to have control over someone. Statistically, when someone has been violent once, particularly men against women, the likelihood of it happening again is significantly higher, which challenges your assertion that this was ‘obviously’ a one-off, it is not obvious at all. This may be a harsh read but you have got off lightly. ‘Less than a minute of insanity’ could have ended with a prison sentence of up to five years for Actual Bodily Harm.
Recommendations:
Jerry Hyde’s film:
https://makemeaman.com/
Resources for perpetrators
https://dvip.org/services-for-men-women/mens-services/
Resource for Victims
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk 24/7 Helpline: 0808 2000 247
If you have a problem for ASK PHILIPPA please write to me AskPhilippa@Yahoo.com,
subject to my terms and conditions
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I appreciate reading your replies Philipa even when the problems don't seem to match something in my own life. I feel I can soak up some wisdom about not making assumptions and stretching to understand the other person's point of view. Thank you
I am left wondering exactly why she was trying to "wrestle the phone" from his hands... & why this generated such an extreme response from him?