Ask Philippa: I never feel good enough

What happens when your childhood teaches you you're never enough, and how to start unlearning it

Write to me at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions

The Question: I never feel good enough in relationships. I am a woman in my early thirties with a loving partner, a meaningful and respectable job, and hobbies that interest me. I dedicate a lot of time volunteering for a children’s charity and I have a large number of fun and supportive friends. However, I have no safe family base to speak of. My parents treated me with a combination of emotional neglect and emotional abuse, and there was domestic violence in my family home. My elder brother was suicidal for much of my teenage years and despite his bullying treatment of me, it felt like my responsibility to absorb his pain and keep him safe. We have both had therapy and have managed symptoms of PTSD for many years. I find it too hurtful to maintain contact with either parent.

Objectively I should be proud of the life I have made for myself. But whenever I get close to someone I am plagued by a strong sense of not being good enough, which makes me become overwhelmed, pull back, and sabotage what I have. I obsess over my partner’s previous relationships and feel intimidated by a need to outdo these seemingly better people. I throw my energy into more work, more exercise, expensive clothes and makeup to compensate for what seems to be lacking within me. I don’t really believe that if, given the choice, a partner would ever choose me over someone more stable, loveable, with a respectable background. Even though no partner has given me cause to believe it, I feel like a disappointing consolation prize. It is incredibly lonely, and on a daily basis I crave for the comfort I imagine a Mum would give me if I could just ask for help.

Although therapy has helped me understand where these feelings come from, they don’t seem to go away. And although my partner is gentle and understanding of my sudden emotional breakdowns, it is draining for him.

How can I let go of this fear and be present in the great relationship I have? Will I ever believe that I am enough? Will I ever feel like I belong?

Thank you so much.

The Answer: You already know where these feelings come from. And knowing hasn't made them go away. We often imagine that understanding will cure us but it doesn’t. It might though, soften the ground for something else to grow.

We need to look at the power we give ordinary men and women who were probably not given the best of starts themselves, to crush our confidence in perpetuity, just because they happened to be our parents. When we were infants they were gods, or monsters or ogres, and we were helpless. And because we were helpless and completely dependent upon them it was too scary then, to think that we were as powerless as we were, so begins the habit of thinking, “if only I were better, wasn’t bad, if only I could get it right, then these horrible things wouldn’t happen to me, then they would be nice to me”. That was a defence, that made you feel you had a bit of power when you didn’t. The if-only-I-was-worthy message became ingrained very early on because if you accepted you were powerless, it would have been too scary to survive. And maybe part of the reason that these feelings won’t go away could be loyalty to that child, you, who thought if she were better, things would get better. And I don’t think that is anything you are doing wrong, it’s how you have survived. Outmoded defence mechanisms take their own sweet time to fade.

Become as aware as you can of that internal monologue that feeds your feelings of unworthiness but by observing it, not by being it. You know it's not true and where it has come from, and this still isn't enough to stop you feeling this way, stop fighting that, accept it. Laugh at it, notice it, "there you are again”. You don't have to take it seriously. Really get to know it. Write down all those critical voices that tell you are unworthy, what are they saying? They are more ridiculous when you see the actual words, but don’t argue with the words, you can stop a fight by not engaging, but you need to recognise your enemy which is why I’m saying write the critical messages down. When feelings are put into words they can be easier to step back from.

And your brother. He was in pain and he bullied you, and you were just a child. You tried to keep him safe while no one kept you safe. That can leave a deep confusion about what closeness means. You were cast in the role of protector before you even had a chance to be protected. Maybe that part of you still believes love might ask too much of you, or that your needs are too much. You learned early that connection came at a cost, that your own pain had to be pushed aside. None of this was fair and it was never your fault. You did a really good job of surviving.

When we are born, become a child, an adult, do you know what is enough to be enough? Existing. That’s it. A dependent baby is enough being a dependent baby, there is no shame in that, it’s enough to be a child, an adolescent, an adult. It’s enough just to be. What I loved about the pandemic, and there was not much I loved about it, was that the vaccines were given out in order of need, not in order of the rich, entitled people getting them first, we all got them, in turn, because we are all enough. To be, is to be enough.

What would you say to that little girl who was you? You'd hug her and tell her it wasn’t her fault. This is what you need to do to you now, hug a pillow imagine it’s the young you, hug her tell her she is enough, she always was enough, she doesn’t even need to be good, she is enough. You probably need to do this every day, you can take it seriously or you can laugh when you do it, but do it. When something becomes familiar it begins to feel true. The essence of you is enough. You are enough. You are enough without your impressive career and all the good you do in the world, all the love you give your partner and your friends, and all the love they give back to you, you are enough before all of that. You are enough for your husband.

We need to form bonds with others, it’s what humans do, he is lucky enough to have found you to bond with and you can let go and allow yourself to fully bond with him. Nobody ever loved anyone because they were good, or worthy. We love people because they are there. And Cupid’s arrow has a good aim.

You had to give up on the idea that you would ever be parented with love and care and now you’re trying to patch the hole with achievement, perfection, beauty, control. It’s not really working. Because that child who was you wasn’t unloved because she wasn’t good enough. She was neglected because your parents did not know how to love her.

The only thing that works is showing up for that child yourself. Again and again. Not as a performance. Not to get better. Just because she’s there. And she’s tired. And she wants to be held.

You’ve made a life without a map. You work, you volunteer, you exercise, you love, you show up, you care and the longing you feel isn’t proof that you’re unworthy. It’s proof that you’re human. And that you haven’t given up. You are worthy and have always been so, not because you’ve earned it, not because of your work or your generosity or your clothes or your relationships, but because you’re here. And being here is enough.

Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart... Try to love the questions themselves... Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” So don’t try to get rid of the anxiety that everyone will desert you. Sit beside it. Let it walk with you. Don’t try to be healed. Let your life be the healing. You’re not behind. You’re just here. And here is real. And enough.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but you are enough, we are all enough.

Love Philippa