This is a version of my story, except I have already given myself the advice Phillipa offers. My mum died when she was 50 and I have grown up with an acute perception of how finite live is. I also chose security although I was also head over heels to start with and my husband was not controlling in an angry way. He was emotionally absent and avoidant after our first child was born but I had never been married before, I thought we’d have ups and downs and that was normal. The distance between us grew and I could never figure out how to make it better and he was very resistant to discussing it. He likes to compartmentalise and it’s worked very well for him for many years. Fast forward to my own 50th - still alive - and my realisation that if I stayed I’d be pursuing a life less lived (we both have interests and friends but they do not intersect). He was not interested in my world or very supportive of it (happy to provide £ for an MA but not happy to come see me perform in a play. Resistant to listening to me about things I didn’t like about the way he spoke to me - tiny things but given they were tiny him not being prepared to listen showed he wasn’t really engaged with me as a person).
Anyhow, we separated in the house - living as housemates very amicably which showed how we’d long ago stopped being partners - but waited a year until my youngest had done his A levels. Now I live in a place I love, doing things I love, and I can’t quite believe I am allowed to be this happy (I’m working on it!)
This letter sounds like the woman knows she’s going and would like confirmation. I think she’ll regret not leaving. I think Phillipa’s advice is spot on - coincidentally I saw PP’s very relevant chat about Love with Rylan on iPlayer yesterday - and that too is spot on.
Also a version of my life , though I did cram in 3 children. Meaning I put myself second for an extended period, longer than was healthy for my marriage. And when I started to wake up to a need for more time for me to live a life that gave more time for me to flourish, it didn't play well with my husband (who I guess had got used to the old, small me). I'm now 12 years out of that, in another relationship and just waking up to the fact I've not been taking up enough space here, either! It is so easy to do and yes, I do blame the patriarchy for creating the conditions in which women do this. But this time I'm speaking up and growing bigger all the time. Practically this is easier now, my children are grown, they're wonderful company and supportive, finances are settled, work is enjoyable. I'm approaching a big birthday soon and taking stock. And I won't stand for diminishing myself again. Reading pieces like this truly nourishes my personal journey. Thank you Phillipa, and others for thoughtful comments.
A wise person once said to me - remember, security can all too soon become a secure unit from which we want to escape…
I love the Simone de Beauvoir quote, seems to me this man doesn’t want a woman, he wants someone he can keep in a gilded cage. I met a lot of men like him when I worked in domestic violence - and sure, this situation does not qualify as such, but… there’s a lot of the subtler qualities of power and control that are always at the center of relationships based on domination.
True security is knowing you can generate your own wealth and stand on your own two feet, with people around you who respect you for who you are and who aren’t scared by your growth.
You’re really good at pointing out red flags Philippa.
This s making me think of my Mum. I've just received a big box of my mother's letters, poems, paintings and interestingly, her school reports. They make interesting reading. My mother (who died last year) was intelligent and creative, but made herself small all her life. She eventually shrunk away, a tiny woman who should have used her intellect and creativity but kept it hidden, out of sight unless It make my father angry who has issues around his own education and abilities.
I was taught that the man should always come first. We were there to serve our husbands. We must not question them. She also led her life by the scriptures and firmly believed we should be submissive to men. She was also frightened of my father.
Thank goodness I broke that mould! I am married to a man who supports me as my own person, with various career moves and no end of creative projects, independent travel and learning. I wouldn't have it any other way.
wow! these quotes! this really hit deeply. thank you for writing this answer and making it free. some of us are in coercive situations where financial decisions are being controlled too.
I've just completed my Master's Research in Narcissistic Abuse, from a psychotherapists perspective, and how it affects their clients. This behavior sounds very similar to a lot of what I have read about. The insidious nature of his behaviour makes it very difficult to understand what is happening, but it is abusive.
I think Philippa, your advice is spot on and I love the idea of the looking back.
I hope she finds the courage to do what is right for her, just her for now. The rest will fall in behind. Thank you
another amazing piece. gratitude dear philippa. your way to answer is a beautiful inspiring guidance to how to express doubts or open explorations about a given situation. it will stay with me for a long time and benefit myself and friends very profoundly. merci 🙌🏼
Great answer. Only needed to add my advice, (less wise and less considered) - yes do something now, I don't think it will improve. Your life matters too! Good luck and love. Xx
Wry smile at the quotations from some people who are not hugely noted for their personal expertise in their own relationships.
The yearning for another child - Philippa's right to see that aside from the perfect normality of this, it can also be symbolic in all sorts of ways, so take care with that.
But here you are trying to take your life forward in other ways, and still he seems to be blocking you. Ugh. Is there a reason he gets a say in your pursuit of counselling qualifications? *Is* he in fact blocking you from the next step you want to take in this area of your life? I don't know if Philippa would agree but perhaps it isn't 'studies' that worry him as the subject and its effect on you - either for 'bad' controlling reasons or the thing that happens to many counselling students for a while - he's not your client! Is it the particular structure of the course that might present a problem to a man who has no friends (eg residentials)? I am wondering a bit, given you said you 'settled' because of the offer of stability, about it all being about what he's stopping you doing (as Philippa says, why does him having no friends mean you both have no social life - that can suggest control (but unlike the second child or the counselling you've not actually said his demeanour/words/actions are in the way), or it can suggest you prefer to blame him.
He sounds like someone who doesn't want his boat rocked. And you've said you didn't want your boat rocked either... but now you feel... becalmed. You speak of 'challenging' him and him 'not budging' not of exploring. The reality for your partner may be a choice between some change, or a big change (ie the loss of you as his partner and all the complications that will follow from that) I am not sure though that some change (for example just one of those specific things you've mentioned wanting to pursue) will be enough for you. Maybe he knows you well and that you experience regular restlessness just because that's who you are rather than your situation... maybe he is fearful because he has a hunch that you, as you tell us, only settled for reasons of financial stability (and what would pursuing counselling do there - increase your financial independence perhaps, and perhaps after considerable familial outgoings?)
They weren’t about having perfect relationships, they were about equality. You don’t want a perfect relationship if it means you deny yourself the opportunity be the best you can be.
'The best you can be' sounds a bit tiring! But for sure, the letter writer isn't feeling as (or sounding) as though she is able to be enough for herself. I wonder what the ways in which her partner is 'great' are?
Your child would, I think, much rather have a single, happy, free and flourishing parent than one where one is controlling the environment to suit just him.
As that child, I can wholeheartedly agree. My parents stayed together even when I and my sisters repeatedly asked my mother to divorce my controlling, unpredictable father. He died at 57 and she regained a vitality and freedom that she lacked for most of my (and her) life. As Philippa says, children see and internalise everything, and that dynamic is a dangerous one to be around.
This is a version of my story, except I have already given myself the advice Phillipa offers. My mum died when she was 50 and I have grown up with an acute perception of how finite live is. I also chose security although I was also head over heels to start with and my husband was not controlling in an angry way. He was emotionally absent and avoidant after our first child was born but I had never been married before, I thought we’d have ups and downs and that was normal. The distance between us grew and I could never figure out how to make it better and he was very resistant to discussing it. He likes to compartmentalise and it’s worked very well for him for many years. Fast forward to my own 50th - still alive - and my realisation that if I stayed I’d be pursuing a life less lived (we both have interests and friends but they do not intersect). He was not interested in my world or very supportive of it (happy to provide £ for an MA but not happy to come see me perform in a play. Resistant to listening to me about things I didn’t like about the way he spoke to me - tiny things but given they were tiny him not being prepared to listen showed he wasn’t really engaged with me as a person).
Anyhow, we separated in the house - living as housemates very amicably which showed how we’d long ago stopped being partners - but waited a year until my youngest had done his A levels. Now I live in a place I love, doing things I love, and I can’t quite believe I am allowed to be this happy (I’m working on it!)
This letter sounds like the woman knows she’s going and would like confirmation. I think she’ll regret not leaving. I think Phillipa’s advice is spot on - coincidentally I saw PP’s very relevant chat about Love with Rylan on iPlayer yesterday - and that too is spot on.
Thanks so much. If anyone else would like to hear my chat with Rylan yesterday about love it is here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002d65l?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
Also a version of my life , though I did cram in 3 children. Meaning I put myself second for an extended period, longer than was healthy for my marriage. And when I started to wake up to a need for more time for me to live a life that gave more time for me to flourish, it didn't play well with my husband (who I guess had got used to the old, small me). I'm now 12 years out of that, in another relationship and just waking up to the fact I've not been taking up enough space here, either! It is so easy to do and yes, I do blame the patriarchy for creating the conditions in which women do this. But this time I'm speaking up and growing bigger all the time. Practically this is easier now, my children are grown, they're wonderful company and supportive, finances are settled, work is enjoyable. I'm approaching a big birthday soon and taking stock. And I won't stand for diminishing myself again. Reading pieces like this truly nourishes my personal journey. Thank you Phillipa, and others for thoughtful comments.
Things can only get better
A wise person once said to me - remember, security can all too soon become a secure unit from which we want to escape…
I love the Simone de Beauvoir quote, seems to me this man doesn’t want a woman, he wants someone he can keep in a gilded cage. I met a lot of men like him when I worked in domestic violence - and sure, this situation does not qualify as such, but… there’s a lot of the subtler qualities of power and control that are always at the center of relationships based on domination.
True security is knowing you can generate your own wealth and stand on your own two feet, with people around you who respect you for who you are and who aren’t scared by your growth.
You’re really good at pointing out red flags Philippa.
Great comment, thanks Jerry
This s making me think of my Mum. I've just received a big box of my mother's letters, poems, paintings and interestingly, her school reports. They make interesting reading. My mother (who died last year) was intelligent and creative, but made herself small all her life. She eventually shrunk away, a tiny woman who should have used her intellect and creativity but kept it hidden, out of sight unless It make my father angry who has issues around his own education and abilities.
I was taught that the man should always come first. We were there to serve our husbands. We must not question them. She also led her life by the scriptures and firmly believed we should be submissive to men. She was also frightened of my father.
Thank goodness I broke that mould! I am married to a man who supports me as my own person, with various career moves and no end of creative projects, independent travel and learning. I wouldn't have it any other way.
wow! these quotes! this really hit deeply. thank you for writing this answer and making it free. some of us are in coercive situations where financial decisions are being controlled too.
Such a lovely rich wise response, showing him this substack would give him much needed food for thought.
It would!
I've just completed my Master's Research in Narcissistic Abuse, from a psychotherapists perspective, and how it affects their clients. This behavior sounds very similar to a lot of what I have read about. The insidious nature of his behaviour makes it very difficult to understand what is happening, but it is abusive.
I think Philippa, your advice is spot on and I love the idea of the looking back.
I hope she finds the courage to do what is right for her, just her for now. The rest will fall in behind. Thank you
another amazing piece. gratitude dear philippa. your way to answer is a beautiful inspiring guidance to how to express doubts or open explorations about a given situation. it will stay with me for a long time and benefit myself and friends very profoundly. merci 🙌🏼
Girl, leave that man. Your instincts are sounding the alarms.
Great answer. Only needed to add my advice, (less wise and less considered) - yes do something now, I don't think it will improve. Your life matters too! Good luck and love. Xx
Ufffff.
The succinctness of the quotes at the end made me feel this, not only in my brain and heart, but deep in my gut.
Wry smile at the quotations from some people who are not hugely noted for their personal expertise in their own relationships.
The yearning for another child - Philippa's right to see that aside from the perfect normality of this, it can also be symbolic in all sorts of ways, so take care with that.
But here you are trying to take your life forward in other ways, and still he seems to be blocking you. Ugh. Is there a reason he gets a say in your pursuit of counselling qualifications? *Is* he in fact blocking you from the next step you want to take in this area of your life? I don't know if Philippa would agree but perhaps it isn't 'studies' that worry him as the subject and its effect on you - either for 'bad' controlling reasons or the thing that happens to many counselling students for a while - he's not your client! Is it the particular structure of the course that might present a problem to a man who has no friends (eg residentials)? I am wondering a bit, given you said you 'settled' because of the offer of stability, about it all being about what he's stopping you doing (as Philippa says, why does him having no friends mean you both have no social life - that can suggest control (but unlike the second child or the counselling you've not actually said his demeanour/words/actions are in the way), or it can suggest you prefer to blame him.
He sounds like someone who doesn't want his boat rocked. And you've said you didn't want your boat rocked either... but now you feel... becalmed. You speak of 'challenging' him and him 'not budging' not of exploring. The reality for your partner may be a choice between some change, or a big change (ie the loss of you as his partner and all the complications that will follow from that) I am not sure though that some change (for example just one of those specific things you've mentioned wanting to pursue) will be enough for you. Maybe he knows you well and that you experience regular restlessness just because that's who you are rather than your situation... maybe he is fearful because he has a hunch that you, as you tell us, only settled for reasons of financial stability (and what would pursuing counselling do there - increase your financial independence perhaps, and perhaps after considerable familial outgoings?)
They weren’t about having perfect relationships, they were about equality. You don’t want a perfect relationship if it means you deny yourself the opportunity be the best you can be.
'The best you can be' sounds a bit tiring! But for sure, the letter writer isn't feeling as (or sounding) as though she is able to be enough for herself. I wonder what the ways in which her partner is 'great' are?
Great advice - imho she could try relationship counselling if he would go as that could help them find a compromise and if not a way to separate
I love the advice to imagine yourself at 99 and think would you be happy with the life you have at 40.
What phenomenal advice.
Your child would, I think, much rather have a single, happy, free and flourishing parent than one where one is controlling the environment to suit just him.
As that child, I can wholeheartedly agree. My parents stayed together even when I and my sisters repeatedly asked my mother to divorce my controlling, unpredictable father. He died at 57 and she regained a vitality and freedom that she lacked for most of my (and her) life. As Philippa says, children see and internalise everything, and that dynamic is a dangerous one to be around.
I was a child who did that too. 😕