I don’t know if I’m alone in thinking the writer might be giving up too soon. The writer is asking if their friends really GET them but it’s worth asking, aside from how they apparently see you: Do you still like them? What drew you to them? Misunderstandings come up in all kinds of relationships and can sometimes be corrected. Thinking ‘oh, they just don’t get me’ and withdrawing with hurt feelings, may stop the writer from developing the deeper friendships they want. People are often inattentive or get things wrong. That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you or don’t see you in other ways. They might have their own shit going on. In short projection can go both ways, so it is worth asking if you’re expecting to be understood without offering understanding in return, or assuming the worst. If you meet their errors with forgiveness the friendship might deepen. Or, of course, maybe they are bad friends and you might need to look elsewhere to be fully seen. But if you really like them, try giving them grace. Forget about how they see you. Try enjoying their company without expectations, which might actually make these friendships feel like harder work? Of course it’s annoying when people forget core details about us and our lives. But if you want to persist with making a friend it might be worth trying to take everything as lightly as you can and assume the best rather than the worst about the other person. Just a thought
"Platonic love that feels nourishing requires being seen in context. That means proximity, time, and effort." This feels key. In today's world proximity is harder - working remotely means fewer opportunities to connect with both old contacts and new.
Finding mutually convenient times is a challenge when as well as jobs we are managing dependents and chronic illness.So the effort needed is perhaps greater than ever before.
But the positive here is that the OP has noticed this gap between expectations and reality (and I get thats it's a shock, I've had a similar experience). As PP says, it's time to invest the effort where it will flourish. Good luck.
‘I’ve not had a single friendship where I feel seen’ is what’s jumped out for me…
So I wonder what might you be bringing to the table?
It’s always worth reflecting on what we may (unconsciously) be doing in relationships- what gets activated when we’re in relationship to someone, from our past, early, significant ones.
That’s where we learnt about how to BE - how to present ourselves, how to listen, respond, reciprocate, empathise, share, connect etc.
Think about your relationship with your parents- how they were with you. The impact of this on you may be something you can’t see… & thats where therapy can help.
A therapist will be looking at how you relate to them, through the boundaries of the sessions, & in the room, as well as the story you bring.
These relational ways of being, around significant others, are always the hardest to see, get hold of, & consciously change- especially on our own. We repeat the patterns we know.
Yes, the perception of this in *every* friendship was what made me wonder if the writer was on some level bringing their own patterns to this, expecting not to be seen or known or feeling defensive in their friendships. It is hard to tell.
"You’re asking for friendship that exists in the upper layers of attention and mutual recognition." Interesting. I have this with a few close friends... I don't have it with my therapist, who I literally pay to recognise and listen to me. Perhaps there's a lack of cognitive investment there.
Thanks Ruth! I do have trouble ending relationships that don't serve me anymore (ironically something I talk about in therapy) but you're right, the time has come to move on!
I'm very interested in this subject of friendships. At 63, having moved around the country, living isolated and rurally, with a chilchood that banned me from having 'secular' friends, I find myself bereft of close friends and lonely. I'll write more in an essay and send you an email, Philippa. Thank you for promoting me to think and maybe do some about this.
Elizabeth Day wrote a brilliant book about friendship - ‘Friendaholic’ - that I highly recommend. Friendships are so important to me, and my understanding of how they function in my life has changed over the years (I’m 41 now); I’d be very curious to know the question asker’s age! With age, I’ve learned that if there is something I need more of from certain friendships, then the best way to get nearer to that is for me to show up with that energy for my friend first. So with that in mind, I wonder how curious the question asker is about her friend’s backgrounds, about their truths, and whether the friends feel seen, too? Perhaps she could start there. Having a deep dive, asking with generous curiosity about her friends. Lastly, as I age I see that it’s ok - healthy, even - to let go of friendships that can’t evolve with you. And seek new ones; I have found that with different life stages (travel/jobs/having children/starting new hobbies) there have been opportunities to find new people and bring all of these learnings to the new connection. It’s not easy, and Elizabeth’s book really covers this - but the effort is worth it :)
I don’t know if I’m alone in thinking the writer might be giving up too soon. The writer is asking if their friends really GET them but it’s worth asking, aside from how they apparently see you: Do you still like them? What drew you to them? Misunderstandings come up in all kinds of relationships and can sometimes be corrected. Thinking ‘oh, they just don’t get me’ and withdrawing with hurt feelings, may stop the writer from developing the deeper friendships they want. People are often inattentive or get things wrong. That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you or don’t see you in other ways. They might have their own shit going on. In short projection can go both ways, so it is worth asking if you’re expecting to be understood without offering understanding in return, or assuming the worst. If you meet their errors with forgiveness the friendship might deepen. Or, of course, maybe they are bad friends and you might need to look elsewhere to be fully seen. But if you really like them, try giving them grace. Forget about how they see you. Try enjoying their company without expectations, which might actually make these friendships feel like harder work? Of course it’s annoying when people forget core details about us and our lives. But if you want to persist with making a friend it might be worth trying to take everything as lightly as you can and assume the best rather than the worst about the other person. Just a thought
"Platonic love that feels nourishing requires being seen in context. That means proximity, time, and effort." This feels key. In today's world proximity is harder - working remotely means fewer opportunities to connect with both old contacts and new.
Finding mutually convenient times is a challenge when as well as jobs we are managing dependents and chronic illness.So the effort needed is perhaps greater than ever before.
But the positive here is that the OP has noticed this gap between expectations and reality (and I get thats it's a shock, I've had a similar experience). As PP says, it's time to invest the effort where it will flourish. Good luck.
Really interesting- and helpful to recognise the difference between close, good, and meaningful, all of which are important.
‘I’ve not had a single friendship where I feel seen’ is what’s jumped out for me…
So I wonder what might you be bringing to the table?
It’s always worth reflecting on what we may (unconsciously) be doing in relationships- what gets activated when we’re in relationship to someone, from our past, early, significant ones.
That’s where we learnt about how to BE - how to present ourselves, how to listen, respond, reciprocate, empathise, share, connect etc.
Think about your relationship with your parents- how they were with you. The impact of this on you may be something you can’t see… & thats where therapy can help.
A therapist will be looking at how you relate to them, through the boundaries of the sessions, & in the room, as well as the story you bring.
These relational ways of being, around significant others, are always the hardest to see, get hold of, & consciously change- especially on our own. We repeat the patterns we know.
Totally agree
Yes, the perception of this in *every* friendship was what made me wonder if the writer was on some level bringing their own patterns to this, expecting not to be seen or known or feeling defensive in their friendships. It is hard to tell.
"You’re asking for friendship that exists in the upper layers of attention and mutual recognition." Interesting. I have this with a few close friends... I don't have it with my therapist, who I literally pay to recognise and listen to me. Perhaps there's a lack of cognitive investment there.
Hi Emily, I had to re read your last sentence to check I had got it right.It sounds like it’s time to change therapist.
‘The problem isn’t you being unclear. It’s likely a lack of cognitive investment from the other side…’
How true that is!
Thanks Ruth! I do have trouble ending relationships that don't serve me anymore (ironically something I talk about in therapy) but you're right, the time has come to move on!
I'm very interested in this subject of friendships. At 63, having moved around the country, living isolated and rurally, with a chilchood that banned me from having 'secular' friends, I find myself bereft of close friends and lonely. I'll write more in an essay and send you an email, Philippa. Thank you for promoting me to think and maybe do some about this.
Elizabeth Day wrote a brilliant book about friendship - ‘Friendaholic’ - that I highly recommend. Friendships are so important to me, and my understanding of how they function in my life has changed over the years (I’m 41 now); I’d be very curious to know the question asker’s age! With age, I’ve learned that if there is something I need more of from certain friendships, then the best way to get nearer to that is for me to show up with that energy for my friend first. So with that in mind, I wonder how curious the question asker is about her friend’s backgrounds, about their truths, and whether the friends feel seen, too? Perhaps she could start there. Having a deep dive, asking with generous curiosity about her friends. Lastly, as I age I see that it’s ok - healthy, even - to let go of friendships that can’t evolve with you. And seek new ones; I have found that with different life stages (travel/jobs/having children/starting new hobbies) there have been opportunities to find new people and bring all of these learnings to the new connection. It’s not easy, and Elizabeth’s book really covers this - but the effort is worth it :)