This is fantastic and beautiful! It made me think of a piece by Kurt Vonnegut where he talks about going to buy envelopes instead of ordering them because of all the human interactions he gets to have on the way to the post office. Fighting against the feeling that technology is killing us with comfort!
I entirely agree. Especially people not understanding that getting to know someone takes time, love is not like the movies, people are imperfect including ourselves. Staying through difficulties not so well promoted, people give up to easily, want too much etc.
I met my husband 43 years ago, on my birthday party when I turned twenty. It was a big party in one of the squatted houses in Amsterdam. He was brought along by some of his housemates. We became friends first and only two years later, after many rambling walks through Amsterdam, we became lovers. Most people who knew us both, said it would not last, because of our differences. But we did. We are still different, and we can fight about stuff, but there is a core of friendship, respect and love that holds.
Both our kids have struggled with the culture you speak off. Luckily, they have learned to take risks .
Exactly Philippa, you have 'hit the nail on the head'. Like you, I'm an older, female therapist in a longterm relationship myself, but I'm seeing increasing numbers of my clients and contacts living with devastating sadness about the impossibility of finding love. Some feel stuck in relationships that are almost loveless, due to the fear of never being able to find someone else. It's so sad that for many, the comfort and convenience of working from home means that they never have an opportunity for work friendships that could lead to love. Then there's the impact of too much choice about where to go to meet someone, it seems that the vast choice presented, dilutes the concentration of numbers of singles at any given social gathering. And for some, it becomes too late to meet, bond and start a family. This sadness, this loneliness hangs over us, so far from the old ways of meeting one's beloved. When I was 15, my best friend hung a twig of mistletoe over the head of my crush, my future life long love. Oh that kiss! Thank you for promoting me into action, I AM going to do something about the situation you write about Philippa, someone has to, London and Essex first. Watch this space....
This is interesting, given the proliferation of articles about how the younger generation are rejecting longterm intimate relationships and prefer being single and free. Is this a way of dealing with the difficulty of finding relationships, do you think?
An app user and very single person weighs in! I agree with much of this, but I'm always fascinated by this concept of chemistry not mattering early on.While I try to give people a few dates to see what is there if they'll have me, having chemistry with someone means we make each other laugh, or share similar values, or think the same conversation topics are interesting. You know, the very basic bar you set for people you actually enjoy spending time with, not rom com fireworks. I do also think dating apps immediately trap you under the hot sweaty glass of a romantic context, and it's hard to develop anything slowly and softly when that expectation is there.
Yes, exactly. People are so obsessed with the idea of a “spark.” My mom always told me, “It takes time to really get to know someone.” If you’re chasing a spark, you often don’t give time a chance to reveal true compatibility. You have to ask yourself: do I want a spark, or do I want embers? Embers take tending, take stoking—but they last.
I can’t help thinking that celebrity culture, curated selfies on social media and the prevailing acceptance of ‘work’ such as Botox and fillers in order to look a certain way only increases our sense of not feeling good enough.
There are certain female film stars now in their late 50’s who genuinely could be in their 20’s, so baby-smooth is their facial skin. I feel so angry with them, they who wield so much power for how a desirable woman needs to be. Perfect, flawless. Unreal.
This is amazing and hit heavy on the heart. What really struck a chord with me was establishing platonic love through community and friendship. Technology, as convenient as it is, gives us the illusion of choice, gives us a sense of community without interacting with the word around us. As much as I'd like my "Knight in shining armor" to coming knocking at my front door, I have to shoulder some responsibility and try to establish meaningful relationships, whether platonically or romantically (it's usually work or home for me). Maybe I'll join a spin class or run club. I will say that dating currently is difficult, there's so many rules, guidelines and danger involved, unfortunately, it's a bit exhausting. Thank you for a great read!
None of my relationships worked until I realised what I experience as attraction is profoundly unreliable.
I remember ordering a coffee in Starbucks (which I’m not proud of) and having an instant, powerful attraction to the woman behind the counter. When she handed me my coffee I saw her arms were a mess of self harm scars, and I immediately thought - well of course…
Having had some dark experiences in my childhood I now know that my damage is very attracted to other peoples’ damage. Fear and eroticism got miswired for me, and danger and toxicity became confused with excitement.
I have a bad analogy that really works for me. Imagine you only ever ate hot spicy food, and someone gave you a piece of celery. You’d think it had no flavor.
I’ve learned to recalibrate my palate to be able to taste subtlety and not need drama.
Now in my 60s I’m happily married. When I first met my wife ten years ago I was drawn to her but I felt something was missing.
Then I realised it was true. She wasn’t cruel, mean, selfish or nasty, the qualities that I’d been drawn to in the past.
The way we form relationships as a society is changing rapidly, everything is now disposable, deliverable, instant.
One of us better write a book about the very important points you’ve made here. And it’s not going to be me x
Hi Maryanne, I agree about the proliferation of such articles, however, the fact is that I and other therapists see many clients who simply can't find love. For the individual this is a tragedy and one that also carries shame and fear. Often their loneliness and longing is something they keep hidden, a brave face is somehow safer. For our nation it's another tragedy, we need young people to be in a position to settle with a loving partner and to be able to afford to raise a family. Our future depends on this; here I am talking about our pensions and who will be here to care for the aging population, but there is so much more to this than just financial and demographic implications.
I think that what matters most in this world is love. Love affords us security and peace as individuals and as a society, the world is just somehow much kinder when people are loved. As I said, I'm on a bit of a mission now. My young client yesterday asked me, when I am going to do something, and I will, baby steps at first, but I hope to facilitate a fair few committed loving encounters once I get this ball rolling, so thank you for your response, it helps me to keep on track. Warmly Jennie
This resonated deeply. I’m not overwhelmed by too many options, in my case it’s the opposite. I know what I’m looking for, but finding real alignment feels incredibly rare. Your piece captures that ache of being ready, emotionally available, and still alone.
I really miss the Guardian Soulmates site. Even though I had to kiss a few frogs through it, and never found the prince, I always appreciated how it allowed you to 'set out your stall' as it were by introducing yourself with a thoughtful summary and allowed on occasion for a more quirky route into getting to know someone. These days it's so algorithmically driven that even casting one's net further than the county one is in can be a problem. It's so the wrong end of the telescope thinking, based on first impressions that get easily swiped out. Internet dating just seemed to be a sweet shop for lazy men who didn't really want to come out from behind a screen and engage at all. Now everyone, men and women, seem to be more engaged with the small screen than anyone physically alive in front of them.
Dammit ! I just lost my original, pithy response. Try again.
“A date is not an interview” is one of the most important messages here. And of course, your entire reply is full of insight. It’s so sad that people are feeling so lost these days but taking risks, as you suggest, is essential
This is fantastic and beautiful! It made me think of a piece by Kurt Vonnegut where he talks about going to buy envelopes instead of ordering them because of all the human interactions he gets to have on the way to the post office. Fighting against the feeling that technology is killing us with comfort!
I entirely agree. Especially people not understanding that getting to know someone takes time, love is not like the movies, people are imperfect including ourselves. Staying through difficulties not so well promoted, people give up to easily, want too much etc.
I met my husband 43 years ago, on my birthday party when I turned twenty. It was a big party in one of the squatted houses in Amsterdam. He was brought along by some of his housemates. We became friends first and only two years later, after many rambling walks through Amsterdam, we became lovers. Most people who knew us both, said it would not last, because of our differences. But we did. We are still different, and we can fight about stuff, but there is a core of friendship, respect and love that holds.
Both our kids have struggled with the culture you speak off. Luckily, they have learned to take risks .
Exactly Philippa, you have 'hit the nail on the head'. Like you, I'm an older, female therapist in a longterm relationship myself, but I'm seeing increasing numbers of my clients and contacts living with devastating sadness about the impossibility of finding love. Some feel stuck in relationships that are almost loveless, due to the fear of never being able to find someone else. It's so sad that for many, the comfort and convenience of working from home means that they never have an opportunity for work friendships that could lead to love. Then there's the impact of too much choice about where to go to meet someone, it seems that the vast choice presented, dilutes the concentration of numbers of singles at any given social gathering. And for some, it becomes too late to meet, bond and start a family. This sadness, this loneliness hangs over us, so far from the old ways of meeting one's beloved. When I was 15, my best friend hung a twig of mistletoe over the head of my crush, my future life long love. Oh that kiss! Thank you for promoting me into action, I AM going to do something about the situation you write about Philippa, someone has to, London and Essex first. Watch this space....
This is interesting, given the proliferation of articles about how the younger generation are rejecting longterm intimate relationships and prefer being single and free. Is this a way of dealing with the difficulty of finding relationships, do you think?
An app user and very single person weighs in! I agree with much of this, but I'm always fascinated by this concept of chemistry not mattering early on.While I try to give people a few dates to see what is there if they'll have me, having chemistry with someone means we make each other laugh, or share similar values, or think the same conversation topics are interesting. You know, the very basic bar you set for people you actually enjoy spending time with, not rom com fireworks. I do also think dating apps immediately trap you under the hot sweaty glass of a romantic context, and it's hard to develop anything slowly and softly when that expectation is there.
Wonderful. Thank you. You are at the top of your game.
Absolutely. I’ve read one of them about 20 times and taken notes.
Yes, exactly. People are so obsessed with the idea of a “spark.” My mom always told me, “It takes time to really get to know someone.” If you’re chasing a spark, you often don’t give time a chance to reveal true compatibility. You have to ask yourself: do I want a spark, or do I want embers? Embers take tending, take stoking—but they last.
I can’t help thinking that celebrity culture, curated selfies on social media and the prevailing acceptance of ‘work’ such as Botox and fillers in order to look a certain way only increases our sense of not feeling good enough.
There are certain female film stars now in their late 50’s who genuinely could be in their 20’s, so baby-smooth is their facial skin. I feel so angry with them, they who wield so much power for how a desirable woman needs to be. Perfect, flawless. Unreal.
This is amazing and hit heavy on the heart. What really struck a chord with me was establishing platonic love through community and friendship. Technology, as convenient as it is, gives us the illusion of choice, gives us a sense of community without interacting with the word around us. As much as I'd like my "Knight in shining armor" to coming knocking at my front door, I have to shoulder some responsibility and try to establish meaningful relationships, whether platonically or romantically (it's usually work or home for me). Maybe I'll join a spin class or run club. I will say that dating currently is difficult, there's so many rules, guidelines and danger involved, unfortunately, it's a bit exhausting. Thank you for a great read!
None of my relationships worked until I realised what I experience as attraction is profoundly unreliable.
I remember ordering a coffee in Starbucks (which I’m not proud of) and having an instant, powerful attraction to the woman behind the counter. When she handed me my coffee I saw her arms were a mess of self harm scars, and I immediately thought - well of course…
Having had some dark experiences in my childhood I now know that my damage is very attracted to other peoples’ damage. Fear and eroticism got miswired for me, and danger and toxicity became confused with excitement.
I have a bad analogy that really works for me. Imagine you only ever ate hot spicy food, and someone gave you a piece of celery. You’d think it had no flavor.
I’ve learned to recalibrate my palate to be able to taste subtlety and not need drama.
Now in my 60s I’m happily married. When I first met my wife ten years ago I was drawn to her but I felt something was missing.
Then I realised it was true. She wasn’t cruel, mean, selfish or nasty, the qualities that I’d been drawn to in the past.
The way we form relationships as a society is changing rapidly, everything is now disposable, deliverable, instant.
One of us better write a book about the very important points you’ve made here. And it’s not going to be me x
I sort of have already. It’s called The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read - your turn to write the next one.
Colonel Brandon is my ideal.
Willoughby though - great one night stand!
Maybe differentiating between a great one night stand and something more enduring is a skill that is harder to acquire than we might think
And I would have been just as enthralled by Willoughby when I was Marianne’s age.
Hi Maryanne, I agree about the proliferation of such articles, however, the fact is that I and other therapists see many clients who simply can't find love. For the individual this is a tragedy and one that also carries shame and fear. Often their loneliness and longing is something they keep hidden, a brave face is somehow safer. For our nation it's another tragedy, we need young people to be in a position to settle with a loving partner and to be able to afford to raise a family. Our future depends on this; here I am talking about our pensions and who will be here to care for the aging population, but there is so much more to this than just financial and demographic implications.
I think that what matters most in this world is love. Love affords us security and peace as individuals and as a society, the world is just somehow much kinder when people are loved. As I said, I'm on a bit of a mission now. My young client yesterday asked me, when I am going to do something, and I will, baby steps at first, but I hope to facilitate a fair few committed loving encounters once I get this ball rolling, so thank you for your response, it helps me to keep on track. Warmly Jennie
This resonated deeply. I’m not overwhelmed by too many options, in my case it’s the opposite. I know what I’m looking for, but finding real alignment feels incredibly rare. Your piece captures that ache of being ready, emotionally available, and still alone.
I really miss the Guardian Soulmates site. Even though I had to kiss a few frogs through it, and never found the prince, I always appreciated how it allowed you to 'set out your stall' as it were by introducing yourself with a thoughtful summary and allowed on occasion for a more quirky route into getting to know someone. These days it's so algorithmically driven that even casting one's net further than the county one is in can be a problem. It's so the wrong end of the telescope thinking, based on first impressions that get easily swiped out. Internet dating just seemed to be a sweet shop for lazy men who didn't really want to come out from behind a screen and engage at all. Now everyone, men and women, seem to be more engaged with the small screen than anyone physically alive in front of them.
I found this really insightful almost revelatory. Thanks.
Dammit ! I just lost my original, pithy response. Try again.
“A date is not an interview” is one of the most important messages here. And of course, your entire reply is full of insight. It’s so sad that people are feeling so lost these days but taking risks, as you suggest, is essential