8 tips for lasting love
The answer is not sentimentality!
I’ve been in a relationship for 38 years, since 1987. Here’s is some of what that time has taught me about a long term relationship.
When choosing someone don’t aim for perfection, just commit to someone in the ballpark
Commit is the important word here. The right choice is the one you commit to. It’s the commitment that makes it right. If you start wavering it means you’ve stopping to decide to make it work.
High expectations, in fact any expectations are probably not a good idea. Go with what is, not what you might have imagined.
This next one is important. Don’t get in each other’s way. Leave the space for the other to be the best they can be. Encourage, but don’t lead each other. Example: I mentioned I’d like to take up piano again because I miss Bach, he has just sent me a YouTube clip of Bach. It’s consistent little things more than the occasional grand gesture.
I’ve found that relationships thrive when both people continue to grow as individuals. When we follow our own paths - reading different books, engaging with different people, socialising or working in different environments - we each gather new insights that enrich the shared space between us. It’s that ongoing exchange of fresh perspectives that keeps things vibrant. If we become too similar, too merged, there’s less contrast, less spark. The mystery fades. If your partner starts to feel too familiar, try seeing them in their own element - at work, or doing their individual thing - and you may rediscover the distinct, dynamic person you first fell for. (Unless you both work from home, then good luck).
Love as a feeling, waxes, wanes, comes, goes and comes back again. Don’t expect to feel it constantly. Sometimes you feel close, sometimes irritated, sometimes distant, and sometimes solidly connected but what can be constant is respect, consideration and loving and generous behaviours towards each other. Love is doing the shopping when you don’t feel like it, listening to a story you’ve heard before as though you haven’t, and in my case putting up with an unfair division of wardrobe space. Love isn’t just the feels, it is action, loving action, thoughtful behaviour.
For a great relationship it’s really good to have enough money, but you don’t need any more than that. Money has a lot of meaning in a relationship - it’s more than just a resource, it’s good to find out what it symbolises for each of you too, ditto sex, ditto - most things. Here’s a post about Money and Relationships
And the biggest secret of them all for a long partnership?
Simples - don’t split up.
Any Questions? Ask me in the comments. Any more tips? And there are many more, tell us in the comments.
I’ve written a couple of books about relationships too. Available to buy here.
Write to me with your personal problems and dilemmas at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions
Emotional intimacy was the central core of our relationship. No matter what had happened during the day, at night we were in our bed, talking, reading to each other, or ourselves, laughing, so much laughing, reminiscing...recharging for the next day. We managed 35 glorious years before Triple A Class refractory Myeloma took her from me. Thank you for your writing, insight and humour. I'm a recent subscriber and really enjoying it.
We got wed in 1987 but have been together since 1984. I hear you about the unfair wardrobe space (he has two and a half, I have a half) but also about giving each other space.
He goes on micro adventures over midge infested peat bogs to stay in bothies. I prefer arty trips to towns.
We bicker loads but also laugh like drains.
Some top tips there.