Emotional intimacy was the central core of our relationship. No matter what had happened during the day, at night we were in our bed, talking, reading to each other, or ourselves, laughing, so much laughing, reminiscing...recharging for the next day. We managed 35 glorious years before Triple A Class refractory Myeloma took her from me. Thank you for your writing, insight and humour. I'm a recent subscriber and really enjoying it.
We got wed in 1987 but have been together since 1984. I hear you about the unfair wardrobe space (he has two and a half, I have a half) but also about giving each other space.
He goes on micro adventures over midge infested peat bogs to stay in bothies. I prefer arty trips to towns.
A long relationship in itself isn’t a success - it can be a tragedy - but still to want to be there after x years, that’s the true mark of how well its going. All the things you list will make that more likely - as long as you are both (or even all!) up for it
Marvellous stuff. We’ve been married 52 years and have had to forgive each other several times. The bit about expectations is so true. Don’t expect anyone to be your “perfect partner”. Just your partner. Through life. Whatever it throws at you.
I usually agree heartily with what you write, but just wasn't sure about this! My perspective is informed by being the daughter of parents who divorced after 24 years of marriage, being married for 25 years (and counting) myself, but also supporting a good friend through the last 18 months of the end of her equally-long marriage. Just 'not splitting up' was not healthy for her, him or their children. When she wavered, and looked to get some support to help them both re-commit, he simply wasn't able to bring what she needed.
I suppose I feel like a point about noticing what's missing and when you might need some help and/or when to call it a day (and that being okay) is what this piece lacks. The list makes NOT managing to not split up feel like a failure.
I love this and have forwarded it to my 27 year old daughter - 4 years into a relationship that will hopefully stay the course. I love that you list 'commit' as one of the most important tips. I feel so much for young people who are almost encouraged to have half an eye on something better coming along. If you want anything in life to be rewarding, you have to commit and stick with it (including playing the piano (!) - I've been learning for 10 years and am still dreadful but there's no chance I'm giving up!).
We’re ‘only’ on 25 years but I wanted to ask about the importance of physical intimacy as it’s not mentioned in your piece. I heard you on the brilliant podcast with Rylan talking about emotional touch being more important than sexual touch (I hope l’ve got that right!?) but is it really possible to stay together for a very long time if you both have different needs? My husband is a non-toucher, I crave touch of all kinds which makes me feel needy. Is there a way to bridge that gap without feeling like this?
Research (Gottman institute) says loving touch is more important that sex. Partners having the same libido for years on end is rare: there is usually disappointment, negotiation, and open sharing of feelings to work through around differing sexual needs. How we each interpret what sex means is also good to talk about. I don’t think anyone should have sex if they done want to, but rubbing your partner’s back or feet, that is a loving behaviour I think that is required and needs to be lovingly given, at least sometimes!
Can I interject, Laura. I mentioned earlier that I've been with my old man for 41 years - he's not great at touching either - I book myself a full body massage once a month with a fabulous masseuse - fabulous Fay. It seems to really help me.
This is a great idea, the sex I’m not necessarily worried about. But touching generally and feeling connected is quite another. Thank you for the inspiration!
Totally agree with all these. I’m so glad I married someone intelligent who works in a totally different area to me too. I always find what he has to say about his work interesting.
Really love this, and the simplicity of the post 😍
I remember learning many years ago that love and hate exist side-by-side in a close relationship, and struggled to understand its meaning.
But I can see it most clearly in my own marriage; that at times you can love intensely and feel close, connected, grateful, desirous - but at others, enraged - at all their little pecadillos that wind you up and never change, no matter whether you've let them know how they piss you off.
I see how we project onto those people we are in an intimate relationship with (and this includes friends) our deepest desires, including the oldest ones - a need to feel fully seen and understood. We want this person to meet all our needs, but also to understand what they are. We want to be mind-read.
Over the course of time, we have to go through being let down in micro-ways and mini re-enactments over and over again, in these close relationships. Having an understanding of this helps us to, as Philippa says, commit - take the rough with the smooth. Whatever it is, 'it will pass'. Showing kindness and respect, and giving each other space over the longer term is key to enduring love.
The best advice I ever read about having a long relationship, in this case marriage, was: “you either want to stay married or you don’t.” It was from one of those articles from people in their eighties and nineties who all got married before they were 22. I love this advice because it’s such a good reflection of the question at hand. Long terming takes a lot of decisions - millions of small decisions, a few big ones. The thing in the moment that you are making a decision about might vary, but the ultimate question and decision is the constant. It’s such a helpful North Star to navigate by. My husband and I either want to stay married, or we don’t. It all flows from there.
Tell this to my husband - 34 years together and he has left. Didn’t really tell me why, doesn’t want to talk about it or try therapy. Am devastated. We weren’t perfect but I thought we were weathering a rough patch. Don’t want a divorce.
I love how down-to-earth and doable these steps are. You and Grayson are total couple goals! I’d add: don’t forget to have fun (silliness is glue), and keep the chats open, often, and short enough to not need snacks 😜
Emotional intimacy was the central core of our relationship. No matter what had happened during the day, at night we were in our bed, talking, reading to each other, or ourselves, laughing, so much laughing, reminiscing...recharging for the next day. We managed 35 glorious years before Triple A Class refractory Myeloma took her from me. Thank you for your writing, insight and humour. I'm a recent subscriber and really enjoying it.
I have to wave, Kate, as I know Susie! I'm glad about the 35 years; plenty of great memories I'm sure x
Thank you x
We got wed in 1987 but have been together since 1984. I hear you about the unfair wardrobe space (he has two and a half, I have a half) but also about giving each other space.
He goes on micro adventures over midge infested peat bogs to stay in bothies. I prefer arty trips to towns.
We bicker loads but also laugh like drains.
Some top tips there.
A long relationship in itself isn’t a success - it can be a tragedy - but still to want to be there after x years, that’s the true mark of how well its going. All the things you list will make that more likely - as long as you are both (or even all!) up for it
Totally agree with this - I know too many elderly women who seem to suddenly bloom when there husbands die - commitment can be overrated
Marvellous stuff. We’ve been married 52 years and have had to forgive each other several times. The bit about expectations is so true. Don’t expect anyone to be your “perfect partner”. Just your partner. Through life. Whatever it throws at you.
I usually agree heartily with what you write, but just wasn't sure about this! My perspective is informed by being the daughter of parents who divorced after 24 years of marriage, being married for 25 years (and counting) myself, but also supporting a good friend through the last 18 months of the end of her equally-long marriage. Just 'not splitting up' was not healthy for her, him or their children. When she wavered, and looked to get some support to help them both re-commit, he simply wasn't able to bring what she needed.
I suppose I feel like a point about noticing what's missing and when you might need some help and/or when to call it a day (and that being okay) is what this piece lacks. The list makes NOT managing to not split up feel like a failure.
Or maybe that's just me projecting ;-)
I agree heartily with you. Definitely not projecting, it's wise and fair.
Great straightforward advice. It resonates with me, especially the treating each other with loving respect.
I love this and have forwarded it to my 27 year old daughter - 4 years into a relationship that will hopefully stay the course. I love that you list 'commit' as one of the most important tips. I feel so much for young people who are almost encouraged to have half an eye on something better coming along. If you want anything in life to be rewarding, you have to commit and stick with it (including playing the piano (!) - I've been learning for 10 years and am still dreadful but there's no chance I'm giving up!).
Brilliant, as always!
Nearer fifty years for us...there have been just a few societal changes since the '70s! And plenty of storms weathered together...
Thank you for your great thoughts 🙂
This - photo and text - has enriched my day.
The world needs lots more people like you two!
We’re ‘only’ on 25 years but I wanted to ask about the importance of physical intimacy as it’s not mentioned in your piece. I heard you on the brilliant podcast with Rylan talking about emotional touch being more important than sexual touch (I hope l’ve got that right!?) but is it really possible to stay together for a very long time if you both have different needs? My husband is a non-toucher, I crave touch of all kinds which makes me feel needy. Is there a way to bridge that gap without feeling like this?
Research (Gottman institute) says loving touch is more important that sex. Partners having the same libido for years on end is rare: there is usually disappointment, negotiation, and open sharing of feelings to work through around differing sexual needs. How we each interpret what sex means is also good to talk about. I don’t think anyone should have sex if they done want to, but rubbing your partner’s back or feet, that is a loving behaviour I think that is required and needs to be lovingly given, at least sometimes!
Can I interject, Laura. I mentioned earlier that I've been with my old man for 41 years - he's not great at touching either - I book myself a full body massage once a month with a fabulous masseuse - fabulous Fay. It seems to really help me.
This is a great idea, the sex I’m not necessarily worried about. But touching generally and feeling connected is quite another. Thank you for the inspiration!
Totally agree with all these. I’m so glad I married someone intelligent who works in a totally different area to me too. I always find what he has to say about his work interesting.
Really love this, and the simplicity of the post 😍
I remember learning many years ago that love and hate exist side-by-side in a close relationship, and struggled to understand its meaning.
But I can see it most clearly in my own marriage; that at times you can love intensely and feel close, connected, grateful, desirous - but at others, enraged - at all their little pecadillos that wind you up and never change, no matter whether you've let them know how they piss you off.
I see how we project onto those people we are in an intimate relationship with (and this includes friends) our deepest desires, including the oldest ones - a need to feel fully seen and understood. We want this person to meet all our needs, but also to understand what they are. We want to be mind-read.
Over the course of time, we have to go through being let down in micro-ways and mini re-enactments over and over again, in these close relationships. Having an understanding of this helps us to, as Philippa says, commit - take the rough with the smooth. Whatever it is, 'it will pass'. Showing kindness and respect, and giving each other space over the longer term is key to enduring love.
The best advice I ever read about having a long relationship, in this case marriage, was: “you either want to stay married or you don’t.” It was from one of those articles from people in their eighties and nineties who all got married before they were 22. I love this advice because it’s such a good reflection of the question at hand. Long terming takes a lot of decisions - millions of small decisions, a few big ones. The thing in the moment that you are making a decision about might vary, but the ultimate question and decision is the constant. It’s such a helpful North Star to navigate by. My husband and I either want to stay married, or we don’t. It all flows from there.
Tell this to my husband - 34 years together and he has left. Didn’t really tell me why, doesn’t want to talk about it or try therapy. Am devastated. We weren’t perfect but I thought we were weathering a rough patch. Don’t want a divorce.
No wonder you are devastated.
Perhaps he did tell you why but it doesn't make sense to you, or doesn't even feel as though it could be accurate from his perspective?
I love how down-to-earth and doable these steps are. You and Grayson are total couple goals! I’d add: don’t forget to have fun (silliness is glue), and keep the chats open, often, and short enough to not need snacks 😜