I don't know whether this helps I am editing my memoir and in the last chapter I write:
Am I the same person I was? No, I am not. I have changed. Although, I am no different to anyone else, we all change. I began as Joanna Clare Evander Evans annoying baby sister, and I am now Jo Linney, an old retired woman. Whatever happens to each of us during our lives, we evolve, as our circumstances change. I did not choose to retire, to lose my business to care for my husband. I did not choose to be a widow, nor lose my beautiful daughter to a stroke during covid.
Do I have a new identity? No, it is not new I am still Jo Linney, wherever I am. Identity is a slippery beast, like memory, it changes and shifts all the time for all of us. Six years ago, I was a wife, mother of two, and a busy social housing policy consultant, three powerful identities. I now often describe myself as the eccentric, curmudgeonly, old, retired widow of the village. My new identities are no less valid than my previous ones, no less important, simply different.
Wonderful reply to a fascinating question. When I was in a similar place a few years ago I found writing morning pages helped. Just pick up a pen and a notebook every morning and write at least three pages without pausing about whatever you are feeling and noticing right now. The idea comes from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way which is as much about living from the truth of who you are as it is about being artistic - sort of the same thing in the end.
Yes I came here to recommend the Artists Way as well. It really helped me when I was in a similar place about 2 years ago - and the crucial misconception is that it is only for those who are artists or who self define as “creative”. It’s actually just a brilliant tool for anyone who needs some scaffolding to understand themselves better
Love the anger angle. The bottomless wellness culture we are floating in encourages us to say yes to everything (preferably with a smile if you're a woman). Saying bollocks to that (and to bungee jumping) is hard, and learning to say no can take time, but it is worth the effort. Start small, practice. If your knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, check yourself, say «I'll think about it», then take time to really figure out how you feel about it (cue the body, brilliant advice) before you say yes or no. If it's no, offer a justification… or don't. Enjoy the freedom and have a little dance with your inner two-year-old.
This is so important! My missus and I try to deal with this jointly since we're so different. In her case, the insight was that an excess of 'niceness' / urge to say yes resulted, unwittingly, in just depriving her much more deserving friends & family of her attention. In mine (as she enjoyed pointing out hehe) too much choosiness & intolerance just cut me off from experiences that can turn out surprisingly rewarding. As you suggest the fear of saying no is best addressed with a bit of practice! :-)
That's a really important observation about an excess of 'niceness' As we're discussing here, being 'nice' is often not very 'nice' to the self, but also involves being less 'nice' to 'more deserving friends and family' So it is worth considering who we are being nice to and what the costs are - and if putting ourselves first is hard, thinking about the impact on those who are really most important to us... and what we are saying about who is actually accorded the priority in the choices we make.
I love this - it's a great question and answer, with the suggestion of a journey of discovery beginning for the asker. Its got me writing. I like to think that there are many aspects of self; the one who exists and breathes, the one that has some identity in the eyes of others. There are my own feelings and sensations, what can be seen and what can't be seen. Gestalt describes a self with a boundary, like skin, semi porous; the edge between what is and isn't me. Letting things in, rejecting things, responding to what is outside, which might be another person, or an atmosphere. Sometimes its hard to know if what I feel is mine or me resonating with what is in another person. Somewhere in my core is my consciousness, with the ability to ask questions such as this.
"the one that has some identity in the eyes of others" .... I think that one can be particularly challenging. Having just read the father's post who felt ghosted out of his own life by a forceful narrative change to his identity in the eyes of others.
People who can and do re-write the narrative (for their own ends) can cause a lot of heartbreak and confusion. Leaving the narratee at a loss as how best to respond! I wish there was a foolproof way to respond.
Even parents, I know a father whose daughter has cut him off entirely and, of course, everyone thinks "no smoke without fire" ... but that is not his narrative, whilst ac knowledging he is not perfect at all - there is nothing he can put his finger on to have caused this break - yet now the narrative is established. He is bad and yet is not told why (the implication being he absolutely knows).
Narratives. They cause untold havoc - probably beautifully illustrated by Othello, which shows these problems are eternally human!
It's wonderful that you've had this epiphany and Philippa's sage words at a relatively young age. Plenty of scope to move into “your selves” and make up for lost time! Philippa's advice to oxygenate every part of you brings to mind the bit about the oxygen mask in a plane passenger safety drill: put your mask on first before helping others ;-)
I began asking questions at 42, and here I am, nearly 68, still unravelling the knots in my life. I'm not suggesting this has been 26 years of self-examination; there have been periods of great investigation and insight, and periods of none. I viewed my life as always heading for some sort of destination. Now, I view it as reaching points along the way where destination is not the objective; the journey is the objective.
As an older woman who has also always tried to fit in, often with compromise, I am now trying to look at situations to include 'So what do I want?'. I am finding that often what I want is not what I do. I am trying to have the courage to stand up for what I want instead of people pleasing. It can be challenging but I am feeling more empowered each time I choose for me.
I wonder if we older women experience this fitting-in from the culture in which we were raised. It's hard to challenge the deep sense for serving others and I also think it's important not to take it too far in reaction. A conscious balanced response seems best.
A clumsy adjustment can lead to over emphasis on self. I find myself a bit taken aback at times by the self assertion of my adult children and their friends and colleagues. Everyone needs to give a little and flex for us all to cooperate.
Dear Philippa, I am a Vienna-based therapist and I want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your articles. I want to keep learning and expanding as long as I live, for myself and my clients. Reading your wise words really nourishes and teaches. This last article about anger has such depth to it. I especially appreciate the link to other fields besides plain psychotherapy in your thinking. Wisdom obviously is something above strict categories. Thank you for your writing, sharing your flexible, creative mind and ideas!!
I read the first line of your message and for a nano second I thought - Freud has messaged me! Not Freud but a very lovely message from you Sonja, thank you.
i wonder how many women are going through similar wake-up phases right now. sounds so familiar! the answer seems to be: there is no answer but keep changing. the wake -up is the beginning of change and after that, the change is the healing force, the hope, the remedy. my only problem with this is, it's so hard to defend, when everyone around you is used to you being good and dependable. community often doesn't allow for change, because it means insecurity. the answer to that is being held by exactly that: community again, but it might have to be a different one.
Love this and the insight to bring emotions and sensations to awareness! This question reminded me of Virginia Satir’s poem, originally written for a teenaged girl she was working with:
I AM ME by Virgina Satir
I am me. In all the world, there is no one exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything
that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me, My body including everything it does; My mind
including all its thoughts and ideas; My eyes including the images of all they
behold; My feelings whatever they may be… anger, joy, frustration, love,
disappointment, excitement My Mouth and all the words that come out of it polite,
sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; My Voice loud or soft. And all my actions,
whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and
successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me I can become
intimately acquainted with me. By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in
all parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do
not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and
hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at
a given moment in time is ME . This is authentic and represents where I am in that
moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and
did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can
discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent
something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to
others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of
people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I loved both the question and the answer and the follow up answer from the original writer. I want to ponder this for myself. I think I know, but I am not sure I feel I know.
On a somewhat related note, I recently read this odd book called Radical wholeness which challenges our thinking around where our body ends where our mind begins. Who are we in the space we inhabit? I had to read it for a program I’m taking a part in, and like Philippa‘s answer here, the author suggests that we need to really feel things not to think them. But that sometimes/often because of the way we were socialized in the western world we think that we are feeling when we are really thinking. If you, Philippa, know this author and have any thoughts about this book, I would be very curious to hear them.
When I was very young (16ish) I got deeply involved in the (so called) 'humanistic psychotherapy movement' and spent a decade roaring 'I AM' while beating habitat cushions on axminster carpets in kilburn before trudging off to india to roar some more at the feet of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh who advised me to relish every breath, bird and to celebrate simplybeing.
Recently - (I am 69 tomorrow 🎂) a monumental near death experience fine tuned my life and the thorny question 'who am I?' found me roaring and celebrating again - 'I am' is quite enough!
I clicked your link and blink the tears. The power of your son's presence, pivotal. Family love somehow navigating through the paranoia. Have you shared the link with health authorities/med schools? So helpful to understanding.
Gosh - thank you. I should have shares in waterproof mascara ...
Yes - I contribute to The Sepsis Trust's website and work with their guidance whenever possible - to heighten awareness of sepsis, particularly in GP practices where knowledge is variable.
Truly - huge thanks for writing. Every click, like and reply helps. 'Only connect' ... someone said ..
I’m pretty good at being angry, I like thinking of it as a guide. It’s ramped up a bit with menopause and my zero tolerance mood at the moment. I’m not sure it’s easy to live with. Anger is more useful than sadness because it gives you energy. I still feel a bit lost.
I too had "flexible and adaptable" applied from a young age, a badge of honour I laboured under for decades. As perimeno crept up, unintroduced and undiagnosed of course, the couple of temper flares I had were received with absolute horror and astonishment by all around, including me.
At 45 y/o I finally got myself onto a 10 day silent vipassana retreat, with the aim of connecting to my own feelings and body, rather than living in my head all the time. It's basically an intense course of Philippa's self observation advice, and has been life changing.
I'm not "cured", but when the call comes to be flexible and adaptable, I can generally choose whether to proceed, or give myself space to follow my own intuition. Not perfect, but so much calmer and less "lost".
I love what Philippa has to say about anger. I spent decades doing the ‘right’ thing (for others) and now I’m furious - it’s rocket fuel. Can I recommend ‘the vital spark’ by Lisa Marchiano. I found this book profoundly thought provoking and I keep pressing it on women friends who I think should be seething if they’re not already. I’d love to hear anyone’s opinions if you’ve read it.
I have read it and spent a week in tuscany with the author and 20 other women exploring the depths of our psyche through fairy tales and Jungian dream work. Loved it! I like the link in her book between women who hen peck their partners and their feelings of aggression/anger they are not acknowledging within themselves.
There's an amazing book called Almost Happy by Kaplan and Kaplan (Loba Publishing) which has a sort of cheeky approach: it's all about using humour to help yourself, and potentially help others, recognize habits and thought patterns you don't want. It's written by therapists who noticed how using provocative humour in certain situations has helped break some of their patients out of a rut. (so for example, to someone who relentlessly catastrophizes, they might say 'Keep the faith - one day everything will go wrong and you'll turn out to have been right!' Of course, it's about mocking someone gently and with kindness.)
I don't know why this just popped into my head, but I wonder if reading it and maybe recognizing yourself in some of the statements might just slightly irk you and provoke some of that anger that P was talking about (and also give you a laugh)?
I'm not well up enough on philosophy to know where this idea of the 'one true self' came from, but it's so misleading. We all have so many identities: parent, employee, brother, sister, friend, then whatever actual job identity we are adopting at any one time.
In my own coaching work I find it's useful for people to identify their strengths in two ways - their so called soft skills then their knowledge based skills and to accept that it's impossible to be good at everything. This LW might take pride in the things she dismisses as weaknesses, for a start. After that she might adopt the 'Let Them' idea - so what if people don't like some aspect of you? So what if others are better than you at some things? Let them!
On the clothes thing, we are bedevilled by too much choice. A session with an image coach can be so very helpful: identify your body shape, the colours that suit you, the styles you like. This makes shopping so easy.
True, that's a danger. but a good one will work carefully and tactfully with you and will offer it as 'just an opinion' leaving you free to disagree. I have referred clients to some excellent people in this field who are very experienced, kind and knowledgeable, but every so often there would be someone who would reject it all, even when there was irrefutable evidence that they needed to take heed of her suggestions. Also there are unfortunately, as in any field, some people who think they are wonderful but who give bad advice, causing clients to spend a lot of money on the exact thing that is wrong for them.
I am BTW re-reading your excellent book, '...Everyone You Love' and really enjoying it. A very good example of something that is short and punchy and packed with good advice in a way that makes it wholly acceptable to the reader.
The last thing I want is someone telling me how to look. One thing that's always kept me "me" is the clothes I choose, the colours I dye my hair, when I choose to wear makeup or not.
I don't know whether this helps I am editing my memoir and in the last chapter I write:
Am I the same person I was? No, I am not. I have changed. Although, I am no different to anyone else, we all change. I began as Joanna Clare Evander Evans annoying baby sister, and I am now Jo Linney, an old retired woman. Whatever happens to each of us during our lives, we evolve, as our circumstances change. I did not choose to retire, to lose my business to care for my husband. I did not choose to be a widow, nor lose my beautiful daughter to a stroke during covid.
Do I have a new identity? No, it is not new I am still Jo Linney, wherever I am. Identity is a slippery beast, like memory, it changes and shifts all the time for all of us. Six years ago, I was a wife, mother of two, and a busy social housing policy consultant, three powerful identities. I now often describe myself as the eccentric, curmudgeonly, old, retired widow of the village. My new identities are no less valid than my previous ones, no less important, simply different.
I’m sorry for your losses, Jo.
Thank you Cheryl x
Wonderful reply to a fascinating question. When I was in a similar place a few years ago I found writing morning pages helped. Just pick up a pen and a notebook every morning and write at least three pages without pausing about whatever you are feeling and noticing right now. The idea comes from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way which is as much about living from the truth of who you are as it is about being artistic - sort of the same thing in the end.
Yes I came here to recommend the Artists Way as well. It really helped me when I was in a similar place about 2 years ago - and the crucial misconception is that it is only for those who are artists or who self define as “creative”. It’s actually just a brilliant tool for anyone who needs some scaffolding to understand themselves better
I found I just wrote about breakfast (I do really like breakfast)
Love the anger angle. The bottomless wellness culture we are floating in encourages us to say yes to everything (preferably with a smile if you're a woman). Saying bollocks to that (and to bungee jumping) is hard, and learning to say no can take time, but it is worth the effort. Start small, practice. If your knee-jerk reaction is to say yes, check yourself, say «I'll think about it», then take time to really figure out how you feel about it (cue the body, brilliant advice) before you say yes or no. If it's no, offer a justification… or don't. Enjoy the freedom and have a little dance with your inner two-year-old.
This is so important! My missus and I try to deal with this jointly since we're so different. In her case, the insight was that an excess of 'niceness' / urge to say yes resulted, unwittingly, in just depriving her much more deserving friends & family of her attention. In mine (as she enjoyed pointing out hehe) too much choosiness & intolerance just cut me off from experiences that can turn out surprisingly rewarding. As you suggest the fear of saying no is best addressed with a bit of practice! :-)
That's a really important observation about an excess of 'niceness' As we're discussing here, being 'nice' is often not very 'nice' to the self, but also involves being less 'nice' to 'more deserving friends and family' So it is worth considering who we are being nice to and what the costs are - and if putting ourselves first is hard, thinking about the impact on those who are really most important to us... and what we are saying about who is actually accorded the priority in the choices we make.
I love this - it's a great question and answer, with the suggestion of a journey of discovery beginning for the asker. Its got me writing. I like to think that there are many aspects of self; the one who exists and breathes, the one that has some identity in the eyes of others. There are my own feelings and sensations, what can be seen and what can't be seen. Gestalt describes a self with a boundary, like skin, semi porous; the edge between what is and isn't me. Letting things in, rejecting things, responding to what is outside, which might be another person, or an atmosphere. Sometimes its hard to know if what I feel is mine or me resonating with what is in another person. Somewhere in my core is my consciousness, with the ability to ask questions such as this.
Mmmmmm lovely thank you.
"the one that has some identity in the eyes of others" .... I think that one can be particularly challenging. Having just read the father's post who felt ghosted out of his own life by a forceful narrative change to his identity in the eyes of others.
People who can and do re-write the narrative (for their own ends) can cause a lot of heartbreak and confusion. Leaving the narratee at a loss as how best to respond! I wish there was a foolproof way to respond.
Even parents, I know a father whose daughter has cut him off entirely and, of course, everyone thinks "no smoke without fire" ... but that is not his narrative, whilst ac knowledging he is not perfect at all - there is nothing he can put his finger on to have caused this break - yet now the narrative is established. He is bad and yet is not told why (the implication being he absolutely knows).
Narratives. They cause untold havoc - probably beautifully illustrated by Othello, which shows these problems are eternally human!
It's wonderful that you've had this epiphany and Philippa's sage words at a relatively young age. Plenty of scope to move into “your selves” and make up for lost time! Philippa's advice to oxygenate every part of you brings to mind the bit about the oxygen mask in a plane passenger safety drill: put your mask on first before helping others ;-)
As a 51 one year old who is still figuring a lot of things out, I felt the same- I thought, lucky you to be asking these questions at 43.
And me at 65!!!
I began asking questions at 42, and here I am, nearly 68, still unravelling the knots in my life. I'm not suggesting this has been 26 years of self-examination; there have been periods of great investigation and insight, and periods of none. I viewed my life as always heading for some sort of destination. Now, I view it as reaching points along the way where destination is not the objective; the journey is the objective.
As an older woman who has also always tried to fit in, often with compromise, I am now trying to look at situations to include 'So what do I want?'. I am finding that often what I want is not what I do. I am trying to have the courage to stand up for what I want instead of people pleasing. It can be challenging but I am feeling more empowered each time I choose for me.
My mum born 1916 was so good at fitting in I think she disappeared completely.
I call this thing many of us women have done down the centuries "shrink to fit".
But we are NOT a pair of Levi 501s!
I wonder if we older women experience this fitting-in from the culture in which we were raised. It's hard to challenge the deep sense for serving others and I also think it's important not to take it too far in reaction. A conscious balanced response seems best.
A clumsy adjustment can lead to over emphasis on self. I find myself a bit taken aback at times by the self assertion of my adult children and their friends and colleagues. Everyone needs to give a little and flex for us all to cooperate.
Dear Philippa, I am a Vienna-based therapist and I want to tell you how much I enjoy reading your articles. I want to keep learning and expanding as long as I live, for myself and my clients. Reading your wise words really nourishes and teaches. This last article about anger has such depth to it. I especially appreciate the link to other fields besides plain psychotherapy in your thinking. Wisdom obviously is something above strict categories. Thank you for your writing, sharing your flexible, creative mind and ideas!!
I read the first line of your message and for a nano second I thought - Freud has messaged me! Not Freud but a very lovely message from you Sonja, thank you.
i wonder how many women are going through similar wake-up phases right now. sounds so familiar! the answer seems to be: there is no answer but keep changing. the wake -up is the beginning of change and after that, the change is the healing force, the hope, the remedy. my only problem with this is, it's so hard to defend, when everyone around you is used to you being good and dependable. community often doesn't allow for change, because it means insecurity. the answer to that is being held by exactly that: community again, but it might have to be a different one.
Love this and the insight to bring emotions and sensations to awareness! This question reminded me of Virginia Satir’s poem, originally written for a teenaged girl she was working with:
I AM ME by Virgina Satir
I am me. In all the world, there is no one exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything
that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me, My body including everything it does; My mind
including all its thoughts and ideas; My eyes including the images of all they
behold; My feelings whatever they may be… anger, joy, frustration, love,
disappointment, excitement My Mouth and all the words that come out of it polite,
sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; My Voice loud or soft. And all my actions,
whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and
successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me I can become
intimately acquainted with me. By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in
all parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do
not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and
hopefully, look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at
a given moment in time is ME . This is authentic and represents where I am in that
moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and
did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can
discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent
something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to
others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of
people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
I loved both the question and the answer and the follow up answer from the original writer. I want to ponder this for myself. I think I know, but I am not sure I feel I know.
On a somewhat related note, I recently read this odd book called Radical wholeness which challenges our thinking around where our body ends where our mind begins. Who are we in the space we inhabit? I had to read it for a program I’m taking a part in, and like Philippa‘s answer here, the author suggests that we need to really feel things not to think them. But that sometimes/often because of the way we were socialized in the western world we think that we are feeling when we are really thinking. If you, Philippa, know this author and have any thoughts about this book, I would be very curious to hear them.
Oh my! So much here - immense!
When I was very young (16ish) I got deeply involved in the (so called) 'humanistic psychotherapy movement' and spent a decade roaring 'I AM' while beating habitat cushions on axminster carpets in kilburn before trudging off to india to roar some more at the feet of Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh who advised me to relish every breath, bird and to celebrate simplybeing.
Recently - (I am 69 tomorrow 🎂) a monumental near death experience fine tuned my life and the thorny question 'who am I?' found me roaring and celebrating again - 'I am' is quite enough!
Philippa - thank you!
(https://open.substack.com/pub/cherrycoombe/p/survivor-guilt?r=3cwjgv&utm_medium=ios)
I clicked your link and blink the tears. The power of your son's presence, pivotal. Family love somehow navigating through the paranoia. Have you shared the link with health authorities/med schools? So helpful to understanding.
Gosh - thank you. I should have shares in waterproof mascara ...
Yes - I contribute to The Sepsis Trust's website and work with their guidance whenever possible - to heighten awareness of sepsis, particularly in GP practices where knowledge is variable.
Truly - huge thanks for writing. Every click, like and reply helps. 'Only connect' ... someone said ..
and YES! Science and love xx
Happy birthday for tomorrow!
I’m pretty good at being angry, I like thinking of it as a guide. It’s ramped up a bit with menopause and my zero tolerance mood at the moment. I’m not sure it’s easy to live with. Anger is more useful than sadness because it gives you energy. I still feel a bit lost.
I too had "flexible and adaptable" applied from a young age, a badge of honour I laboured under for decades. As perimeno crept up, unintroduced and undiagnosed of course, the couple of temper flares I had were received with absolute horror and astonishment by all around, including me.
At 45 y/o I finally got myself onto a 10 day silent vipassana retreat, with the aim of connecting to my own feelings and body, rather than living in my head all the time. It's basically an intense course of Philippa's self observation advice, and has been life changing.
I'm not "cured", but when the call comes to be flexible and adaptable, I can generally choose whether to proceed, or give myself space to follow my own intuition. Not perfect, but so much calmer and less "lost".
Good luck! Dhamma.org if you're interested.
I love what Philippa has to say about anger. I spent decades doing the ‘right’ thing (for others) and now I’m furious - it’s rocket fuel. Can I recommend ‘the vital spark’ by Lisa Marchiano. I found this book profoundly thought provoking and I keep pressing it on women friends who I think should be seething if they’re not already. I’d love to hear anyone’s opinions if you’ve read it.
I have read it and spent a week in tuscany with the author and 20 other women exploring the depths of our psyche through fairy tales and Jungian dream work. Loved it! I like the link in her book between women who hen peck their partners and their feelings of aggression/anger they are not acknowledging within themselves.
That must have been amazing!
There's an amazing book called Almost Happy by Kaplan and Kaplan (Loba Publishing) which has a sort of cheeky approach: it's all about using humour to help yourself, and potentially help others, recognize habits and thought patterns you don't want. It's written by therapists who noticed how using provocative humour in certain situations has helped break some of their patients out of a rut. (so for example, to someone who relentlessly catastrophizes, they might say 'Keep the faith - one day everything will go wrong and you'll turn out to have been right!' Of course, it's about mocking someone gently and with kindness.)
I don't know why this just popped into my head, but I wonder if reading it and maybe recognizing yourself in some of the statements might just slightly irk you and provoke some of that anger that P was talking about (and also give you a laugh)?
I'm not well up enough on philosophy to know where this idea of the 'one true self' came from, but it's so misleading. We all have so many identities: parent, employee, brother, sister, friend, then whatever actual job identity we are adopting at any one time.
In my own coaching work I find it's useful for people to identify their strengths in two ways - their so called soft skills then their knowledge based skills and to accept that it's impossible to be good at everything. This LW might take pride in the things she dismisses as weaknesses, for a start. After that she might adopt the 'Let Them' idea - so what if people don't like some aspect of you? So what if others are better than you at some things? Let them!
On the clothes thing, we are bedevilled by too much choice. A session with an image coach can be so very helpful: identify your body shape, the colours that suit you, the styles you like. This makes shopping so easy.
Then there’s a danger you’d defer to the image coach and not yourself.
True, that's a danger. but a good one will work carefully and tactfully with you and will offer it as 'just an opinion' leaving you free to disagree. I have referred clients to some excellent people in this field who are very experienced, kind and knowledgeable, but every so often there would be someone who would reject it all, even when there was irrefutable evidence that they needed to take heed of her suggestions. Also there are unfortunately, as in any field, some people who think they are wonderful but who give bad advice, causing clients to spend a lot of money on the exact thing that is wrong for them.
I am BTW re-reading your excellent book, '...Everyone You Love' and really enjoying it. A very good example of something that is short and punchy and packed with good advice in a way that makes it wholly acceptable to the reader.
The last thing I want is someone telling me how to look. One thing that's always kept me "me" is the clothes I choose, the colours I dye my hair, when I choose to wear makeup or not.