Elinor, mentioned above, just got in touch. At the moment she is in Cairo with a group of queenagers and they all appear to be having an absolute ball!
I too grew up in an environment where my parents were strangers to each other and i can honestly say it was misery. It was also a poor role model to us as children about how to perform in a healthy relationship.
When I found myself after 25 years in a similar situation, I asked for the end of the marriage. What then ensued was very very difficult - my teenage kids experienced a high level of turmoil and I spent a few years wrapped in guilt.
I can’t go back and change that, and in some ways I would, however I do know that I saved myself in the process. I think that at some point we have a responsibility to accept that we have to reach for the best life we can and that we deserve it. When you grow up as the ‘good girl’ in the family, it takes a huge amount of strength to calmly deconstruct that image, firstly in your own mind.
I promise you, you can do it, and it will be worth it. Don’t waste your life.
I feel the sense of invisibility from this letter, but also the wisdom, determination and insight. How disheartening that for a person so clearly attuned to the needs of others, and who thrives through meaningful connections, that this is not reciprocated by the husband. I think there will be many women reading this who are rooting for the writer to focus on what really matters to her in these next chapters.
Wow…the themes and timing of this article are spookily close to home. Yesterday I left a partner who was, I’ve come to realise, abusive and draining. This comes 8 years after I lost my husband to cancer at 35, 5 months after my dad died and after years of my health being rubbish. We were living across 2 cities as well, with demanding jobs. I feel guilty because his mum’s just been diagnosed with dementia but my life and identity have been slowly eroded by his previous issues and expecting me to absorb all of the impact. All of your advice is so timely and spot on. Reconnecting with myself doesn’t seem easy - and is it actually rediscovering myself because I’m a different person? Who knows. If the lady who sent in the question is reading this, I have no doubt that you have the ability to move onwards and upwards. The only voice you and I need to listen to is our intuition. It’s got us to this place so imagine where it can take us next ❤️
I think sometimes when we are in survival mode , sorting out problem mode and other people’s shit mode we think we aren’t worthy and put ourselves to the bottom of the pile.
In my experience once I put my own enjoyment higher up the list of things I began feeling better. And when a stressful situation occurs I find even 15 minutes of enjoyment can make the problem seem less of a problem. I have been focused on practicing everyday enjoyment this last2 months as an Aunt with no children has been ill and died. I’ve coped much better than I thought I would because I allowed some enjoyment just for me into every day.
Your reader is an absolute inspiration because she is analytical about her feelings and acting on them not talking and seems in the right mindset to form a more contented life.
Reading your work on here and in your books makes us all think and look into ourselves.
Totally agree. Just allowing yourself a small amount of time to do something you want can be life improving. I have found just taking myself off to a coffee shop with a magazine for an hour(sometimes less) just totally resets my mood yet It’s such a small thing. When I tell friends this helps me cope with family drama, stress and chaos they look at me in disbelief. I think we sometimes think big problems require big sweeping solutions. I have found it’s the little things that help me feel more me.
With you on this. I am a great advocate of coffee shop therapy. I go 5 days a week. 20 mins at a time . I connect with people from all walks of life. But I can walk away from them when I’ve had enough. It’s so so good for me.
Coffee shop cure is everything! I say this as someone who doesn't even drink coffee. I ration out my earl grey teas at home so I haven't "used them all up" by the time I get to the coffee shop.
I would just like to wish a Pox upon the appalling husband. For doing that unspeakable, unforgivable thing upon being informed about a potential divorce. I know how horribly common it is but for anyone with a partner pulling that stunt, please treat as a total red card offence without hesitation.
I really feel for this woman but know from what she has written that she can & will get through this to be happier & more in control of her life. My mother had Alzheimer’s & I (my siblings didn’t want any responsibility for her) had to find a care home for her. This allowed me to concentrate on quality time with her whilst all the difficult care duties were done by others (to whom I’m eternally grateful). I hated my job (isolated, working at home), but managed to engineer redundancy to give myself some breathing space whilst sorting out my mum. I don’t have children (not sure I could have coped with that too), but they sound like they could be a source of comfort, support & joy. As for husbands - I’d say build your own life & don't rely on a man for anything (although I’m sure there are some good ones out there). Find some good female friends to support you through this - they are the best. Good luck !
I can relate to this in some ways: the feeling of having coped with a disproportionate amount of the responsibility for running a family over many years. Unfortunately, in my case, this has led to resentment of and distance from my partner. I think many women feel the same way - and then your kids start to grow up and you think: “what am I getting out of this?”
I don’t know what to do about my own relationship, it’s very difficult to sort it out. But what I am doing - along with a few of my girlfriends - is investing more time in doing things I enjoy. That’s why I’m commenting, as this chimes with Philippa’s answer.
Between us, my friends and I started to go out dancing together…. Then one of us took up DJing, then I joined a choir and learnt to sail, then another one of us changed careers… and we’re all going to the gym and doing weights. I don’t want to intimidate you by just listing “hobbies” as you may not feel up to putting yourself out there like that yet…. But finding things you enjoy is so nice, so pleasurable and makes up for some of the shit at home!
Start small, and just see where your interests and ideas take you. You’re obviously so intelligent and thoughtful…. Have you thought of creative writing?
I think that you are in a situation that many people experience. I think Phillipa is wise to suggest journal writing, I have found it very helpful myself as I have been in a similar situation. Another thing I am looking at is inspired by a podcast about the five things people regret when they are dying. These include not being true to yourself, not doing the things you would like to and staying stuck in dysfunctional relationships. Life is short and it goes by so fast. There is no second chance. If you did not have to consider anybody else what would you do? And what is stopping you from doing those things? An interesting journal moment!
Morning, I read this letter with great interest and the comments too. I can’t really add anything else to what has been said already.
As to the final request with regards HRT. This is the first time I’ve read or heard anyone in recent years ask about NOT taking HRT. I don’t take it, I’ve never really considered taking it. I’m sure I’ve had plenty of peri-menopausal and post-menopausal symptoms, but not to any great degree. I’ve been mostly single during that time though, or certainly living alone, so without a partner telling me I’m bonkers or unreasonable etc, perhaps I’ve just not noticed? I find the media obsession nowadays with it a bit baffling. Yes, many people benefit from it, but lots of us don’t take it, and don’t miss it. We’ve gone from never mentioning the menopause to never not mentioning it. I’d rather talk about what books I’ve read recently! Probably not helpful at all, sorry!
The letter feels like walking into a messy room that’s filled with too many dreadful things, undone, piling up, leaving the impression of overwhelm, resentment, and missing orientation about where to even start.
So, how get back into control?
Standing within all of this seem to make it difficult. Looking at things from above could make it more manageable. I therefore wonder if adding more structure to the journaling could be helpful. That is creating an inventory of all the issues, putting order into the fragments, labeling them. Then use that as a start to create a plan.
It is exhausting to be responsible for others who are, for whatever reason/s, not engaging as an equal in a relationship. Only they can uncover and resolve that.
Whilst the job change reduced target stress and removed you from a toxic environment, perhaps another move, into a job where you are with others would alleviate the isolation, give you space away from your husband and room to see and experience yourself differently. Easily said, I know.
It can also be difficult to retain a relationship with a person who has not done what they said they would do and who becomes clingy and threatens suicide. If he won’t get help, maybe it is time to move on. Again not easy.
Just to echo Philippa’s comment about what a deeply impressive person this is. I am sure she will find her way through. I’d add it does take a while to thaw out and it does feel odd to move out of ‘fixer’ mode into ‘being happy’ mode but it’s also deeply satisfying. Best of luck!
I loved your insight into your life and I think you are about to take little steps to fix it. While you do try reading . “Namaste motherfuckers” by Cally ?Beaton it is quite inspiring but most of all funny. Best wishes
Elinor, mentioned above, just got in touch. At the moment she is in Cairo with a group of queenagers and they all appear to be having an absolute ball!
Elinor’s Queenagers is a great find - thank you!
She deserves it, this is so lovely to hear! Great advice too.
So far, I could not be more impressed with these brilliant comments. Thank you.
I too grew up in an environment where my parents were strangers to each other and i can honestly say it was misery. It was also a poor role model to us as children about how to perform in a healthy relationship.
When I found myself after 25 years in a similar situation, I asked for the end of the marriage. What then ensued was very very difficult - my teenage kids experienced a high level of turmoil and I spent a few years wrapped in guilt.
I can’t go back and change that, and in some ways I would, however I do know that I saved myself in the process. I think that at some point we have a responsibility to accept that we have to reach for the best life we can and that we deserve it. When you grow up as the ‘good girl’ in the family, it takes a huge amount of strength to calmly deconstruct that image, firstly in your own mind.
I promise you, you can do it, and it will be worth it. Don’t waste your life.
Well said Jane.
I feel the sense of invisibility from this letter, but also the wisdom, determination and insight. How disheartening that for a person so clearly attuned to the needs of others, and who thrives through meaningful connections, that this is not reciprocated by the husband. I think there will be many women reading this who are rooting for the writer to focus on what really matters to her in these next chapters.
Wow…the themes and timing of this article are spookily close to home. Yesterday I left a partner who was, I’ve come to realise, abusive and draining. This comes 8 years after I lost my husband to cancer at 35, 5 months after my dad died and after years of my health being rubbish. We were living across 2 cities as well, with demanding jobs. I feel guilty because his mum’s just been diagnosed with dementia but my life and identity have been slowly eroded by his previous issues and expecting me to absorb all of the impact. All of your advice is so timely and spot on. Reconnecting with myself doesn’t seem easy - and is it actually rediscovering myself because I’m a different person? Who knows. If the lady who sent in the question is reading this, I have no doubt that you have the ability to move onwards and upwards. The only voice you and I need to listen to is our intuition. It’s got us to this place so imagine where it can take us next ❤️
I think sometimes when we are in survival mode , sorting out problem mode and other people’s shit mode we think we aren’t worthy and put ourselves to the bottom of the pile.
In my experience once I put my own enjoyment higher up the list of things I began feeling better. And when a stressful situation occurs I find even 15 minutes of enjoyment can make the problem seem less of a problem. I have been focused on practicing everyday enjoyment this last2 months as an Aunt with no children has been ill and died. I’ve coped much better than I thought I would because I allowed some enjoyment just for me into every day.
Your reader is an absolute inspiration because she is analytical about her feelings and acting on them not talking and seems in the right mindset to form a more contented life.
Reading your work on here and in your books makes us all think and look into ourselves.
Totally agree. Just allowing yourself a small amount of time to do something you want can be life improving. I have found just taking myself off to a coffee shop with a magazine for an hour(sometimes less) just totally resets my mood yet It’s such a small thing. When I tell friends this helps me cope with family drama, stress and chaos they look at me in disbelief. I think we sometimes think big problems require big sweeping solutions. I have found it’s the little things that help me feel more me.
With you on this. I am a great advocate of coffee shop therapy. I go 5 days a week. 20 mins at a time . I connect with people from all walks of life. But I can walk away from them when I’ve had enough. It’s so so good for me.
Coffee shop by yourself is my recovery zone
3 years ago I’d have said it’s a complete waste of money. How wrong I was .
Coffee shop cure is everything! I say this as someone who doesn't even drink coffee. I ration out my earl grey teas at home so I haven't "used them all up" by the time I get to the coffee shop.
I would just like to wish a Pox upon the appalling husband. For doing that unspeakable, unforgivable thing upon being informed about a potential divorce. I know how horribly common it is but for anyone with a partner pulling that stunt, please treat as a total red card offence without hesitation.
Absolutely
Yes very well said.
Well said!
I really feel for this woman but know from what she has written that she can & will get through this to be happier & more in control of her life. My mother had Alzheimer’s & I (my siblings didn’t want any responsibility for her) had to find a care home for her. This allowed me to concentrate on quality time with her whilst all the difficult care duties were done by others (to whom I’m eternally grateful). I hated my job (isolated, working at home), but managed to engineer redundancy to give myself some breathing space whilst sorting out my mum. I don’t have children (not sure I could have coped with that too), but they sound like they could be a source of comfort, support & joy. As for husbands - I’d say build your own life & don't rely on a man for anything (although I’m sure there are some good ones out there). Find some good female friends to support you through this - they are the best. Good luck !
I can relate to this in some ways: the feeling of having coped with a disproportionate amount of the responsibility for running a family over many years. Unfortunately, in my case, this has led to resentment of and distance from my partner. I think many women feel the same way - and then your kids start to grow up and you think: “what am I getting out of this?”
I don’t know what to do about my own relationship, it’s very difficult to sort it out. But what I am doing - along with a few of my girlfriends - is investing more time in doing things I enjoy. That’s why I’m commenting, as this chimes with Philippa’s answer.
Between us, my friends and I started to go out dancing together…. Then one of us took up DJing, then I joined a choir and learnt to sail, then another one of us changed careers… and we’re all going to the gym and doing weights. I don’t want to intimidate you by just listing “hobbies” as you may not feel up to putting yourself out there like that yet…. But finding things you enjoy is so nice, so pleasurable and makes up for some of the shit at home!
Start small, and just see where your interests and ideas take you. You’re obviously so intelligent and thoughtful…. Have you thought of creative writing?
I think that you are in a situation that many people experience. I think Phillipa is wise to suggest journal writing, I have found it very helpful myself as I have been in a similar situation. Another thing I am looking at is inspired by a podcast about the five things people regret when they are dying. These include not being true to yourself, not doing the things you would like to and staying stuck in dysfunctional relationships. Life is short and it goes by so fast. There is no second chance. If you did not have to consider anybody else what would you do? And what is stopping you from doing those things? An interesting journal moment!
Morning, I read this letter with great interest and the comments too. I can’t really add anything else to what has been said already.
As to the final request with regards HRT. This is the first time I’ve read or heard anyone in recent years ask about NOT taking HRT. I don’t take it, I’ve never really considered taking it. I’m sure I’ve had plenty of peri-menopausal and post-menopausal symptoms, but not to any great degree. I’ve been mostly single during that time though, or certainly living alone, so without a partner telling me I’m bonkers or unreasonable etc, perhaps I’ve just not noticed? I find the media obsession nowadays with it a bit baffling. Yes, many people benefit from it, but lots of us don’t take it, and don’t miss it. We’ve gone from never mentioning the menopause to never not mentioning it. I’d rather talk about what books I’ve read recently! Probably not helpful at all, sorry!
The letter feels like walking into a messy room that’s filled with too many dreadful things, undone, piling up, leaving the impression of overwhelm, resentment, and missing orientation about where to even start.
So, how get back into control?
Standing within all of this seem to make it difficult. Looking at things from above could make it more manageable. I therefore wonder if adding more structure to the journaling could be helpful. That is creating an inventory of all the issues, putting order into the fragments, labeling them. Then use that as a start to create a plan.
It is exhausting to be responsible for others who are, for whatever reason/s, not engaging as an equal in a relationship. Only they can uncover and resolve that.
Whilst the job change reduced target stress and removed you from a toxic environment, perhaps another move, into a job where you are with others would alleviate the isolation, give you space away from your husband and room to see and experience yourself differently. Easily said, I know.
It can also be difficult to retain a relationship with a person who has not done what they said they would do and who becomes clingy and threatens suicide. If he won’t get help, maybe it is time to move on. Again not easy.
Just to echo Philippa’s comment about what a deeply impressive person this is. I am sure she will find her way through. I’d add it does take a while to thaw out and it does feel odd to move out of ‘fixer’ mode into ‘being happy’ mode but it’s also deeply satisfying. Best of luck!
I loved your insight into your life and I think you are about to take little steps to fix it. While you do try reading . “Namaste motherfuckers” by Cally ?Beaton it is quite inspiring but most of all funny. Best wishes
This woman is a complete star... she totally undervalues herself...here's to a better life girl...never mind everyone else... go get it!!!