When you fall for a dream

And it doesn't match reality

Write to me with any problem or dilemma at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions

Weeping Woman, Picasso

Hi Phillipa

I’m 61 years old have a very good life good job my own house etc. I’m very sporty and look well for my age

I’ve never been married or lived with anyone

I have dated guys but it never lasts longer than a year.

Last guy I went out with. A couple of years ago absolutely broke my heart. I dated him for 9 months and when I asked him how I thought we were getting on he told me he tried to love me but couldn’t and I ended the relationship. It told me nearly a year to get over him and I was devastated

I am just back from a cycling holiday. 5 days.. and there was 27 on it. I got on really well with one guy and we had lots of laughs and when I missed dinner he told me I was missed the next morning. He also was a little touchy with me in terms of touching my back etc but there was no sexual contact We kinda singled one another out. We had a couple of long chats together and he told me he is divorced with a grown up son. We had coffee together in the airport, just the two of us , and we shared some life stories. I’ve no idea if he is dating anyone. Then again I realise I was the one asking him all the questions and he didn’t once ask me anything about me. I have built up a stupid story in my head of the two of us dating but if he was interested he would have asked me questions about myself !!!!

When we got back home last night I said to stay in contact and he said he would.

Now I keep waiting for him to text or ring me and I really like him. I texted him last night to say thanks for his company and that I really really enjoyed talking to him and he just texted me back to say he would stay in contact… Nothing more. I think I have frightened him off

I give way to much in relationships and dive in to quickly

I deleted his number just in case I wanted to text him so I can’t text him … I don’t want to make a fool of myself

I know I’m over thinking this and he probably just sees me as a friend

He is 58 and we have the same sport interests - cycling and running

I can’t stop thinking about him as we are so well suited but why would he be interested in me ? He is probably dating someone anyway.

What do you think and how can I stop thinking about him and just realise he is just a friend and get my peace of mind back ?

I have a very good life and I’m happy on my own but when you meet someone where you see the potential of a relationship and you get on so well it makes you start thinking.

I would appreciate your feedback please

My Answer

Thank you for writing. It sounds like your cycling trip brought up more feelings than you expected. You met someone you clicked with, enjoyed his company and perhaps began to imagine what that might mean. It’s what a lot of us do when we meet someone interesting, our minds run ahead and build a picture. Then we start to have a relationship with that picture instead of the actual person.

It also sounds like your heart may be moving faster than his. His friendliness, small touches and conversation were real, but you noticed he did not ask you much about yourself and his messages since have been brief. It might be that he was only looking for companionship on the trip rather than something more? That would explain why your thoughts and his actions seem out of step. But it also might be any number of other reasons, such as being scared, or being slow.

You say you tend to give too much and dive in quickly. I think that self-awareness is already helpful. Your openness may be part of what makes you warm and appealing, but perhaps it can also leave you a little exposed when the other person is not moving at the same pace.

Rather than trying to push away your thoughts of him, which often makes them come back harder, you might gently notice them for what they are. Could it be that your imagination is weaving a story in the space left by his silence? A story about what could be, rather than what is? When you catch yourself building that story, perhaps remind yourself: he is not writing it with me.

I often hear this “he never asked me anything about myself” as being a red flag. I don’t think anyone has to wait for a question if they want to share anything about themselves. No one needs another person’s permission to express themselves. So as I red flag, I don’t always buy it.

You already describe circumstances that many would envy: health, independence, friendships and a life you enjoy. That is great, if someone is going to join you, they are not only joining you but the life you’ve built and vice versa, we take on more than just the person if we couple up with someone else, we take on their life to an extent too.

For now, perhaps let this man be a pleasant memory of a good trip rather than the centre of your days. You were racing ahead and then over-invested in a dream. Then that dream became precious and fragile, and then you felt hurt when he didn’t match you pace and intentions. We’ve all done it!

You threw this guy’s number away and something might have come up that you might have enjoyed doing together, an event or another trip, and the boyfriend before, you let go because he said, he tried to love you but couldn’t. Love is a difficult thing to define, it isn’t solid matter, it’s a concept. So when someone says they love or don’t love you, that sentence won’t mean the same to them as it does to you. So I say, beware of too much interpretation, find out what someone might mean by “love”. In the same way, there may be mutual interest, but different paces, different time scales. Some people move fast, others are more cautious. You are speedy and dive in, then you want answers. How about next time - we get as many chances as we need - you allow a little more space for your uncertainty and don’t jump to a conclusion.

Now, time to book you next holiday.