I meet people often who have lost their jobs (I’m a recruitment consultant) and I’ve recently trained in grief work. Losing your job is a form of grief, one that is often not acknowledged as such. We try to “move on”, tell ourselves “it is what it is” (how I loathe that phrase) and that we should be able to “get over ourselves”. What I witness is people who haven’t grieved their loss bring the shadow of their loss to every subsequent role. I firmly believe that we need to give ourselves space to grieve and include and release all the emotions meaning sadness, fear and anger. And honour it as a grief. I wish your LW well.
We hired someone a few years ago who had been made redundant after 20 years. She insisted on starting work with us straight away, but within days her appendix ruptured. She needed time literally and metaphorically to ge tthe mess out of her! I agree with you, that it is a form of grief.
I really feel for this writer. I think there’s a lot here that is similar to the experience of betrayal in a long term relationship. You’ve been living / working, giving of yourself under what it turns out are false pretences (in part at least). Relationships that you thought were trustworthy .. turn out not to be. Good for you for taking them on. I’m sorry for your loss of joy and ease of engagement with your work .. that is huge and you obviously appreciate how precious it is to have that in the first place. I hope you find a new way forward and that the ground begins to feel steady again.. so that all you are and can give to the world through your work, can shine through again.
I had something similar happen 12 years ago. One of the best things I did for myself was travel with the money I won. Travelled extensively, learned things about myself that I didn’t know, and learned new hobbies, read books and found things that were bigger than a work-life. Nature, my dog, good friends, partner etc. I now how a completely different career, that I’m invested in - but it isn’t everything!
Philippa has summed up her response so well and I agree with every word. It takes such strength of character and courage to go through that legal process of challenging an employer for unfair dismissal - definitely not for the faint-hearted, and at a time when you are already feeling compromised by the stress of the unfair treatment. Many, many people would walk away from that.
I once had to challenge the manager of my children's pre-school through official channels, as Chair of the Preschool Committee. I had help from ACAS (a UK body that offers support on legal rights and conciliation in the workplace) but it all made me feel ill at the time - even when we got the good outcome. It was like a heavy rucksack I could never put down.
A huge part of our personal identities can become bound up in our professional selves. But, as Philippa says, it sounds like perhaps an even larger part of yours has historically been 'invested' in your work persona. Might that have been at a cost to your personal one? I'm thinking about retirement too (a period I am facing now) - it's important to be able to let go of work as the main provider of Sense of Self when the time comes, and have other areas of life through which to obtain positive affirmation. It's a life-phase that's often more complex than we expect.
There's something about lack of structure I'm sensing - outside work - that perhaps might be thought about. That the structure of work has felt like a safe space, until it was blown out of the water. Your sense of self has been rocked. That takes some time to recover from.
OMG, I’ve just caught myself in a hideous massive assumption! I thought that the OP must be a man because they are an engineer and I was going to whang on (only a little!) about work being a man’s whole identity, whereas women are more flexible. Also another massive cliché. Ugh. But I was fired unfairly once and trying to get justice (ie a bit of a payout) was incredibly stressful. I’m not surprised that the OP’s enthusiasm has waned and Philippa is right that the whole experience is akin to mourning and she can slap me for making assumptions!
I noticed there's nothing in the letter about life outside work. Are you in a relationship? Do you have other interests? I can see why people are suggesting travel. It's something outside work to look forward to and broaden your experience of life with. I like the 9 box model where you find 9 sources of richness in your life. This way your whole world isn't dependent on one thing such as job or relationship. I think getting over an unfair dismissal will also take time however quickly you have found another job, it's such a cruel blow.
I like Philippa's final paragraph very much, about grudges fading once we acknowledge and mourn what we have lost. I see, if we are only saying in our heads 'this experience had a negative impact on me' or are only concerned abour how we feel right now, it doesn't connect the event with what it actually cost.
I wanted to share this podcast because the latest episode seems highly relevant to the LW, where the coach speaks with a man in his 40s who had a similar experience, what he did, and how he rebuilt his life in positive ways:
I’m now retired but I absolutely loved my job, and like you it didn’t seem like work. I did well, climbed the ladder through hard work, and all was well. Then one day our company was sold to a much larger one, and people were ‘let go’. As department heads, we weren’t even consulted, when they sacked staff in our depts. My job was safe but the working atmosphere changed. But the thing that really changed for me was my sudden lack of confidence - I had lost trust, I started to doubt myself. Things settled down, and after a while I realised I had ‘got over’ that event, indeed learned from it. I learnt that I needed to invest more in my outside work life, my relationship, family, and friends, in other words: a work/life balance. It’s a tough lesson but I’m so pleased it happened, it focused me on other people, and the energy you give to those you love is far more important than to where you make money, however satisfying the role.
This resonated deeply. I think many of us who have spent decades pouring ourselves into our work mistake betrayal for burnout. Sometimes we aren’t tired of the work—we’re grieving the loss of trust. The hardest part isn’t finding another job; it’s learning that our identity has to be bigger than our title. Thank you for articulating something I think many people quietly carry.
Hello - I'm writing as someone now retired from a nearly 40 year career in financial services during which, as you can imagine, I've seen organisations behave really quite callously to their employees. One of the best pieces of advice I received in how to navigate this was from a senior colleague who said that what increasingly happens is that we don't change but the organisation changes around us such that we don't fit anymore. I think if you view the horrible and traumatic experience with your former employer in that light it will help you come terms with it and allow you to feel proud of how you responded to it at the time and subsequently (which, in itself, is a form of revenge); don't let the previous employer "win" by letting that experience influence your attitude in your current role.
I also agree with other commentators that, seeing yourself in the context of your whole life - including family, relationships, friendships and interests - will help keep negative professional experiences in perspective.
There is nothing I hate more than unfairness, I used to be an active trade union rep and I particularly admire you for taking action and winning your case. However I have realised recently that I am so driven by fighting unfairness that sometimes it keeps me stuck. Holding on to the unfair concept is not always helpful? There are times when life is unfair and nothing I do or say will change it. Now I am on a path to accept the things I cannot change and to understand my triggers, developing coping strategies. I found ‘Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman, helpful, it’s about family, but any group that we become hurt by can relate to a family? I agree with Philippa that grieving this difficult time in your life is important, you had to leave your previous life and colleagues behind, unfairly, which may have felt like family. I hope that’s helpful, all the best💕🙏
I’m wondering if all the stress of liquidation, job loss, betrayal & being accused, fighting your corner - all big stressors on their own let alone cumulatively - have caused burn out? Perhaps you could begin to journal, with curiosity and self compassion, about some of these excellent answers from Phillipa and others. Journaling is a way of listening to yourself, and working out what your needs now are. Some mindfulness and breath work can also help you access the inner depths. This is not about being solution focused but about letting yourself and your emotions be heard and felt. A different adventure, travelling the inner lands of you.
Edited to add that Julia Cameron’s morning pages (look them up) might be a helpful way into journaling if it’s a new thing to you.
After more than a decade of teaching in the same school with colleagues who felt more like family, I had the rug pulled from under me in circumstances I won’t bore you with here. Suffice it to say I now recognise the symptoms I suffered afterwards (low mood, neediness, negativity and a crushing lack of confidence) as betrayal trauma- something I didn’t even know existed at the time. The senior manager behind the episode subsequently left his job following ‘financial irregularities’ which brought some degree of vindication to my feelings about his bullying behaviour. Anyway- I would say that the OP’s feelings of despondency are a completely normal reaction to the situation that they describe. Philippa’s advice is spot on and I only wish I had sought similar advice all those years ago. I wish the letter writer eventual healing and peace.
I am in my first role post crisis-job that damaged me deeply and almost killed my prized career, all at a time when lots of other things in life were terrible too. I took a substantial amount of time off after it, finding pieces of myself and rebuilding. Found my current role which I’m v pleased to have and largely enjoy. Holding myself in check and not re-engaging my workaholic tendencies is a daily study and I don’t always manage it. They recently showed me their ability to disappoint, reneging on an agreement we had, that I’d put aside my self-funded MBA to meet. Stung, sad, (again) I’ve told myself to not care so much, only give so much, that I am responsible for my career and my personal development, and to Stick To The Plan. That’s MY plan for ME. This job is a great job but it’s a rung on MY ladder, serving a purpose in MY bigger plan while I study in the field I want to work in.
So, I’ve found my way back to motivation by having a personal goal for professional development and a pathway to the 3rd stage of my career that I want. It’s still a struggle, I still get caught up and I still have great episodes of -whatever the word is for whatever it is I get caught up in. Grief, maybe, as Philippa says. Yes, grief. When I feel it I use the tools from my rebuilding days to turn myself back to face the sun and the breeze and channel my mindset back to personal growth, the rung on my ladder, and forward motion.
Thank you, your story resonates with me as it does for others.
I am musing about how organisations, or more widely fields and professions, are irresistably like families. We are put into parent/child roles, work in teams to play, produce and care and long for attachment. Organisations demand 'engagement', protect us by paying us and more and work on using our values to drive loyalty and productivity. At a micro scale, teams see us through births, deaths, weddings, illness, holidays, pandemics!
Like families, organisations are the best and worst of places. Perhaps workplaces are also harder to read and less reliable - more moving parts that can suddenly turn against us or mean we are out of place.
Once injured, we work on having more autonomy. We want adult-adult engagement. But organisations will usually use their power to re-assert terms (their parent-like power). And the part of us that wants to be in a trusting family is susceptible to engagement via flattery. That is why we get sucked back in or feel overwhelmed a few weeks after making new boudaries (often on holidays).
I think some personalities are less drawn into this game. Maybe the securely and avoidantly attached. The insecurely attached are maybe hurt more but also try more.
I have observed that many people walk around with workplace injuries. I mean the psychological injuries that come from being seriously unfairly treated, betrayed and/or humiliated. It tends to take massive effort, psychologically, to stand up for yourself, especially now that tribunals can take years. The writer has done brilliantly but doesn't own any of this effort or injury in their answer. Have the feelings been pushed down? If so, that takes more psychological work. Perhaps there is much here to feel and process before energy can return and trust can build.
But you can never unknow what you now know. And you are changed. The journey is to a satisfying life built with more awareness and, perhaps, always carrying a few wounds.
I meet people often who have lost their jobs (I’m a recruitment consultant) and I’ve recently trained in grief work. Losing your job is a form of grief, one that is often not acknowledged as such. We try to “move on”, tell ourselves “it is what it is” (how I loathe that phrase) and that we should be able to “get over ourselves”. What I witness is people who haven’t grieved their loss bring the shadow of their loss to every subsequent role. I firmly believe that we need to give ourselves space to grieve and include and release all the emotions meaning sadness, fear and anger. And honour it as a grief. I wish your LW well.
We hired someone a few years ago who had been made redundant after 20 years. She insisted on starting work with us straight away, but within days her appendix ruptured. She needed time literally and metaphorically to ge tthe mess out of her! I agree with you, that it is a form of grief.
Goodness that’s an extreme way for it to come out though!
I really feel for this writer. I think there’s a lot here that is similar to the experience of betrayal in a long term relationship. You’ve been living / working, giving of yourself under what it turns out are false pretences (in part at least). Relationships that you thought were trustworthy .. turn out not to be. Good for you for taking them on. I’m sorry for your loss of joy and ease of engagement with your work .. that is huge and you obviously appreciate how precious it is to have that in the first place. I hope you find a new way forward and that the ground begins to feel steady again.. so that all you are and can give to the world through your work, can shine through again.
I find it striking that you use the phrase, ‘sorry for your loss (of joy)’ a phrase so often used after bereavement and so very apt here.
I had something similar happen 12 years ago. One of the best things I did for myself was travel with the money I won. Travelled extensively, learned things about myself that I didn’t know, and learned new hobbies, read books and found things that were bigger than a work-life. Nature, my dog, good friends, partner etc. I now how a completely different career, that I’m invested in - but it isn’t everything!
Philippa has summed up her response so well and I agree with every word. It takes such strength of character and courage to go through that legal process of challenging an employer for unfair dismissal - definitely not for the faint-hearted, and at a time when you are already feeling compromised by the stress of the unfair treatment. Many, many people would walk away from that.
I once had to challenge the manager of my children's pre-school through official channels, as Chair of the Preschool Committee. I had help from ACAS (a UK body that offers support on legal rights and conciliation in the workplace) but it all made me feel ill at the time - even when we got the good outcome. It was like a heavy rucksack I could never put down.
A huge part of our personal identities can become bound up in our professional selves. But, as Philippa says, it sounds like perhaps an even larger part of yours has historically been 'invested' in your work persona. Might that have been at a cost to your personal one? I'm thinking about retirement too (a period I am facing now) - it's important to be able to let go of work as the main provider of Sense of Self when the time comes, and have other areas of life through which to obtain positive affirmation. It's a life-phase that's often more complex than we expect.
There's something about lack of structure I'm sensing - outside work - that perhaps might be thought about. That the structure of work has felt like a safe space, until it was blown out of the water. Your sense of self has been rocked. That takes some time to recover from.
OMG, I’ve just caught myself in a hideous massive assumption! I thought that the OP must be a man because they are an engineer and I was going to whang on (only a little!) about work being a man’s whole identity, whereas women are more flexible. Also another massive cliché. Ugh. But I was fired unfairly once and trying to get justice (ie a bit of a payout) was incredibly stressful. I’m not surprised that the OP’s enthusiasm has waned and Philippa is right that the whole experience is akin to mourning and she can slap me for making assumptions!
Oh dear, I did too
Me too. Clarification PP?
I noticed there's nothing in the letter about life outside work. Are you in a relationship? Do you have other interests? I can see why people are suggesting travel. It's something outside work to look forward to and broaden your experience of life with. I like the 9 box model where you find 9 sources of richness in your life. This way your whole world isn't dependent on one thing such as job or relationship. I think getting over an unfair dismissal will also take time however quickly you have found another job, it's such a cruel blow.
Hi Ray, what's the 9 box model. Can you name the 9 boxes. I'm interested.
I took this from Susan Jeffers who used it in several of her books. More here: https://susanjeffers.com/2022/03/01/when-youre-living-your-whole-life/
I like Philippa's final paragraph very much, about grudges fading once we acknowledge and mourn what we have lost. I see, if we are only saying in our heads 'this experience had a negative impact on me' or are only concerned abour how we feel right now, it doesn't connect the event with what it actually cost.
I wanted to share this podcast because the latest episode seems highly relevant to the LW, where the coach speaks with a man in his 40s who had a similar experience, what he did, and how he rebuilt his life in positive ways:
https://www.twentytwentycoaching.co.uk/podcast
I’m now retired but I absolutely loved my job, and like you it didn’t seem like work. I did well, climbed the ladder through hard work, and all was well. Then one day our company was sold to a much larger one, and people were ‘let go’. As department heads, we weren’t even consulted, when they sacked staff in our depts. My job was safe but the working atmosphere changed. But the thing that really changed for me was my sudden lack of confidence - I had lost trust, I started to doubt myself. Things settled down, and after a while I realised I had ‘got over’ that event, indeed learned from it. I learnt that I needed to invest more in my outside work life, my relationship, family, and friends, in other words: a work/life balance. It’s a tough lesson but I’m so pleased it happened, it focused me on other people, and the energy you give to those you love is far more important than to where you make money, however satisfying the role.
You’ll get there!
This resonated deeply. I think many of us who have spent decades pouring ourselves into our work mistake betrayal for burnout. Sometimes we aren’t tired of the work—we’re grieving the loss of trust. The hardest part isn’t finding another job; it’s learning that our identity has to be bigger than our title. Thank you for articulating something I think many people quietly carry.
Hello - I'm writing as someone now retired from a nearly 40 year career in financial services during which, as you can imagine, I've seen organisations behave really quite callously to their employees. One of the best pieces of advice I received in how to navigate this was from a senior colleague who said that what increasingly happens is that we don't change but the organisation changes around us such that we don't fit anymore. I think if you view the horrible and traumatic experience with your former employer in that light it will help you come terms with it and allow you to feel proud of how you responded to it at the time and subsequently (which, in itself, is a form of revenge); don't let the previous employer "win" by letting that experience influence your attitude in your current role.
I also agree with other commentators that, seeing yourself in the context of your whole life - including family, relationships, friendships and interests - will help keep negative professional experiences in perspective.
There is nothing I hate more than unfairness, I used to be an active trade union rep and I particularly admire you for taking action and winning your case. However I have realised recently that I am so driven by fighting unfairness that sometimes it keeps me stuck. Holding on to the unfair concept is not always helpful? There are times when life is unfair and nothing I do or say will change it. Now I am on a path to accept the things I cannot change and to understand my triggers, developing coping strategies. I found ‘Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman, helpful, it’s about family, but any group that we become hurt by can relate to a family? I agree with Philippa that grieving this difficult time in your life is important, you had to leave your previous life and colleagues behind, unfairly, which may have felt like family. I hope that’s helpful, all the best💕🙏
I’m wondering if all the stress of liquidation, job loss, betrayal & being accused, fighting your corner - all big stressors on their own let alone cumulatively - have caused burn out? Perhaps you could begin to journal, with curiosity and self compassion, about some of these excellent answers from Phillipa and others. Journaling is a way of listening to yourself, and working out what your needs now are. Some mindfulness and breath work can also help you access the inner depths. This is not about being solution focused but about letting yourself and your emotions be heard and felt. A different adventure, travelling the inner lands of you.
Edited to add that Julia Cameron’s morning pages (look them up) might be a helpful way into journaling if it’s a new thing to you.
After more than a decade of teaching in the same school with colleagues who felt more like family, I had the rug pulled from under me in circumstances I won’t bore you with here. Suffice it to say I now recognise the symptoms I suffered afterwards (low mood, neediness, negativity and a crushing lack of confidence) as betrayal trauma- something I didn’t even know existed at the time. The senior manager behind the episode subsequently left his job following ‘financial irregularities’ which brought some degree of vindication to my feelings about his bullying behaviour. Anyway- I would say that the OP’s feelings of despondency are a completely normal reaction to the situation that they describe. Philippa’s advice is spot on and I only wish I had sought similar advice all those years ago. I wish the letter writer eventual healing and peace.
Oh I found this so helpful too
I am in my first role post crisis-job that damaged me deeply and almost killed my prized career, all at a time when lots of other things in life were terrible too. I took a substantial amount of time off after it, finding pieces of myself and rebuilding. Found my current role which I’m v pleased to have and largely enjoy. Holding myself in check and not re-engaging my workaholic tendencies is a daily study and I don’t always manage it. They recently showed me their ability to disappoint, reneging on an agreement we had, that I’d put aside my self-funded MBA to meet. Stung, sad, (again) I’ve told myself to not care so much, only give so much, that I am responsible for my career and my personal development, and to Stick To The Plan. That’s MY plan for ME. This job is a great job but it’s a rung on MY ladder, serving a purpose in MY bigger plan while I study in the field I want to work in.
So, I’ve found my way back to motivation by having a personal goal for professional development and a pathway to the 3rd stage of my career that I want. It’s still a struggle, I still get caught up and I still have great episodes of -whatever the word is for whatever it is I get caught up in. Grief, maybe, as Philippa says. Yes, grief. When I feel it I use the tools from my rebuilding days to turn myself back to face the sun and the breeze and channel my mindset back to personal growth, the rung on my ladder, and forward motion.
Thank you, your story resonates with me as it does for others.
I am musing about how organisations, or more widely fields and professions, are irresistably like families. We are put into parent/child roles, work in teams to play, produce and care and long for attachment. Organisations demand 'engagement', protect us by paying us and more and work on using our values to drive loyalty and productivity. At a micro scale, teams see us through births, deaths, weddings, illness, holidays, pandemics!
Like families, organisations are the best and worst of places. Perhaps workplaces are also harder to read and less reliable - more moving parts that can suddenly turn against us or mean we are out of place.
Once injured, we work on having more autonomy. We want adult-adult engagement. But organisations will usually use their power to re-assert terms (their parent-like power). And the part of us that wants to be in a trusting family is susceptible to engagement via flattery. That is why we get sucked back in or feel overwhelmed a few weeks after making new boudaries (often on holidays).
I think some personalities are less drawn into this game. Maybe the securely and avoidantly attached. The insecurely attached are maybe hurt more but also try more.
Just musings....
Great observations. I agree. Also a good summary to go forward with.
I have observed that many people walk around with workplace injuries. I mean the psychological injuries that come from being seriously unfairly treated, betrayed and/or humiliated. It tends to take massive effort, psychologically, to stand up for yourself, especially now that tribunals can take years. The writer has done brilliantly but doesn't own any of this effort or injury in their answer. Have the feelings been pushed down? If so, that takes more psychological work. Perhaps there is much here to feel and process before energy can return and trust can build.
But you can never unknow what you now know. And you are changed. The journey is to a satisfying life built with more awareness and, perhaps, always carrying a few wounds.