I really enjoyed reading this. I too believe in taking responsibility for my own life.
I also thought I would share that the first thing that sprung to mind was being called 'very responsible' as a child. In this context it meant that I could be trusted to follow the rules and to challenge those that didn't. I would often be put 'in charge' of my younger sibling and other kids by my mum, or a small group of peers at school. Despite being very shy during parts of life I have always identified as being a 'responsible' person so would always step up or put myself forward at university or at work for things I didn't particularly want to do but seemed like the responsible thing!
Later in my career I was deemed to have 'strong leadership skills' I wonder if I had been male if this distinction would be made earlier. I wish I had realised earlier that striving to be a leader would be a better goal than being responsible for everything! Are girls encouraged to be 'responsible' more than boys who are encouraged to be leaders?
Lovely article and I had some similar thoughts. My "fantasy" is probably one of feeling too responsible for everything and that has made it hard for me to take responsibility for certain personal things about myself..for example I was very ill a few years ago and found it exceptionally hard to accept the illness and take responsibility for it (which meant withdrawing from work/friends/family and resting and nurturing myself) because I was sure the world would crumble without me being there trying hard every day. Which might be related to getting ill in the first place :)
I'm trying to differentiate between that feeling and the response-ability described by Philippa and I think the word obligation might be in there somewhere. And knowing what is our responsibility (our response) and what isn't (everyone else's behaviours). Potentially a rescuer complex rather than a victim one... where responsibility doesn't feel out of reach but actually feels too present?
There’s also feeling responsible for everyone around you, which can be a way of displacing attending to oneself. I’m sure many sandwich generation women know about this.
That is a really clear and compassionate description of what it means to take responsibility for one's life regardless of circumstances. I wanted to highlight two reactions to suffering that are 'taking responsibility' but can complicate things or have unintended consequences.
Following bereavement I intellectually knew I needed to accept I was now on my own so threw myself into saying yes to everything. I ended up avoiding the hard work of attending to the deep grief and sadness I was experiencing. To the outside world I was functioning successfully. Well, as you know, this can't be sustained. Taking responsibility for your life doesn't just mean doing things, making decisions independently but discerning when and what support is needed.
Another complicating factor is the role of faith. For some, responsibility is partly out-sourced to God and expectations profoundly shaped by this. And negotiating the who and why of responsibility for suffering and responding to it when it is upfront and personal requires some sensitive and skilful support.
Of course, skilled, wise and kind therapists required to navigate these tricky paths!
A great discussion. I find etymology useful to help me think through things and in this case was interested to see that ‘respond’ is compounded from two sources, ‘to answer’ and ‘promise’. ‘Promise’ seems wonderfully resonant with possibility and empowerment (and obligation) an infinity of choice really. So moving from ‘I can’t’ to a more open ‘how can I?’.
Beyond the individual freedom ‘proper’ responsibility denotes, there is also the political; bringing more balance between rights and responsibility, the latter, as social obligation, woefully spurned by widespread uncritical thinking fed by soundbite pap and right wing rabble rousing. It is very dismaying. Discussion of the meaning of individual and collective responsibility well overdue in these blame casting times.
One of the things I find so disappointing about the UK’s essentially two-party political system (ie government and opposition) is the disproportionate time wasted on ‘blaming the other side’. It’s not a great role model for our society, and risks cultivating a wider culture of learned helplessness at a societal level. I can’t help feeling so much more could be achieved with a more constructive, collaborative approach.
I agree. Our governance model is Centuries old, and completely nonsensical. I genuinely wonder if it wouldn't be better to get rid of all Govt frameworks, and just start again, re-building from the bottom up, beginning with the Parish council!
I have just been reading about someone who had an electronics business in Gaza city which was bombed. He has opened a small cafe making the internet available to people who need it and providing a place for people to meet and talk. It struck me that this is an outward facing example of what you are saying. Instead of being defined by victimhood, he has been able to do what he can do in his community. It’s doesn’t deny the actions of which he and his community are the victim, but it takes hold of what *can* be done. Although this is a practical and outwardly focussed example, it surely illustrates the inner capacity you are describing, and to which our inner work can tend.
Philippa, your article really speaks to me. It touches on an anxiety I hold when with so many now seeking a diagnosis ,I wonder how using a label can relinquish our responsibility for uncomfortable experiences. But maybe most importantly that in that distancing, we might inadvertently limit our own freedom, trapping ourselves . I appreciate how you explore this without labels . Good luck !
Thank you Philippa for your insights: I love response - ability! Such a neat way to illuminate this subject. Would we call your focus here personal responsibilty? I wonder about social responsibility too and how it intersects. Where do we set the boundary between the two, if they even need one? What I took from Man's Search for Meaning was that Frankl was able to endure the unendurable, by developing logotherapy which is the second half of the book and will have helped many people. I can't find the exact quote but he suggested the camps' brutal conditions were an ideal testing ground for his theories. Undoubtedly he must have written a different book to the first manuscript that was destroyed (I think at Auschwitz). So was Frankl's "why" ultimately found in a sense of social responsibility and the drive to help others?
Thank you. These are such valuable and thoughtfully expressed ideas. It took me many years, lots of therapy and much understanding to realise that my default responsibility-taking was just a way I tried to prove my worth to my (emotionally avoidant) mother. Then, after she died, I became so resentful of the emotional harm (or lack of emotional education, to frame it more positively) that had left me unprepared, even as an adult, to handle emotional situations that blame and victimhood consumed me instead. I can now see how that pendulum swing was inevitable and am now working my way back to a balanced centre, while still rocking from side to side between being over-responsible for everyone else and the angry victim that wants to step clearly away from anyone else’s needs. This article clearly describes where I want to be and I shall keep it by me in the hope of reaching the ‘still’ centre more quickly.
I have an ongoing dispute with my partner about whether understanding WHY someone did something, absolves them of responsibility for it. This is more in the context of accountability for deeds, than the ownership of one's life.
His take: it doesn't matter how tough someone's life has been and why they did what they did, the only thing that matters is the amount of harm they caused and understanding their reasons is excusing them from accountability.
My take: we can ask why, while still holding them accountable. In fact only by understanding why, can we address the root and change it in the future, otherwise the problem remains and our effort is spent on managing punishment, when it could be - on giving people tools to do better next time.
What a topic! For me, response-ability seems to equal agency and responsibility is accountability for that agency.
It's all a muddle now because we live in a 'society' where our narratives and values are becoming so disparate that we cannot understand each other. It feels as if we are losing a shared sense of responsibility.
Thank you for this column Philippa, it enlightens and stimulates.
When I saw the title I thought you might be going to talk about something else I've really appreciated in your writing - as Juliageek says, which is helping people detach themselves from feelings of responsibility to care from family members who have or continue to harm them, your 'guilt is better than resentment'. That might be an interesting additional angle on the question
The etymology (look it up) and definition (below) of the word 'responsibility' are extremely revealing:
Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages
responsibility
/rɪˌspɒn(t)sɪˈbɪlɪti/
noun
1.
the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.
"a true leader takes responsibility for their team and helps them achieve goals"
Similar:
authority
control
power
leadership
management
influence
duty
2.
the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
"the group has claimed responsibility for a string of murders"
Similar:
blame
fault
guilt
Saying someone is a 'responsible' person is a huge compliment. You'd be happy leaving them to look after your beloved cat, wouldn't you? They can be relied upon to have a sensible/appropriate response to situations
The 2 principal meanings of 'responsible' are key:
1. reliable, trustworthy e.g. responsible for your actions
2. guilty of e.g responsible for a crime
In Philippa's example, taking responsibility gives you the agency, makes you a responsible person. It does not make you guilty of what happened to you. That is someone else's responsibility!
I agree, Philippa - it's the movement from recognising and understanding the bad things that have happened, to a more empowered and autonomous position that is sometimes so difficult. The blame becomes like a ball and chain and we can become victims of our own sense of injustice.
This can be seen on a societal level too: the self-righteous indignation so often seen in perceived slights against an individual, gives them a false sense of power, but actually they become victims of their own impotent rage. With the rise of Reform, this impotent rage is being stoked, encouraging a cycle of self-righteous indignation and victimhood.
Brilliant! You could, perhaps, describe the real benefits and rewards that come when we make use of this new-found freedom. Some of these must include increased joy in living, in feeling capable of controlling our future and hence, increased self-esteem.
Two questions. Does being responsible for yourself mean that you become self-sufficient,or do you still need the support of other people? And is ‘personal responsibility’ the same as ‘conscientiousness’? Sorry, Philippa, probably just throwing stuff into the mix, but I would love to know what you think.
No it doesn’t mean self-sufficient- we’re pack animals after all, it means you are responsible for your responses. Conscientiousness always struck me more as being careful to remember to lock the door, remember to pay on time, sticking to a budget - so more about what you do and being “good”. I’m seeing self-responsibility more about not slipping into victimhood, and taking control of your life - whether or not you make the decision to be conscientious or reckless.
I really enjoyed reading this. I too believe in taking responsibility for my own life.
I also thought I would share that the first thing that sprung to mind was being called 'very responsible' as a child. In this context it meant that I could be trusted to follow the rules and to challenge those that didn't. I would often be put 'in charge' of my younger sibling and other kids by my mum, or a small group of peers at school. Despite being very shy during parts of life I have always identified as being a 'responsible' person so would always step up or put myself forward at university or at work for things I didn't particularly want to do but seemed like the responsible thing!
Later in my career I was deemed to have 'strong leadership skills' I wonder if I had been male if this distinction would be made earlier. I wish I had realised earlier that striving to be a leader would be a better goal than being responsible for everything! Are girls encouraged to be 'responsible' more than boys who are encouraged to be leaders?
Lovely article and I had some similar thoughts. My "fantasy" is probably one of feeling too responsible for everything and that has made it hard for me to take responsibility for certain personal things about myself..for example I was very ill a few years ago and found it exceptionally hard to accept the illness and take responsibility for it (which meant withdrawing from work/friends/family and resting and nurturing myself) because I was sure the world would crumble without me being there trying hard every day. Which might be related to getting ill in the first place :)
I'm trying to differentiate between that feeling and the response-ability described by Philippa and I think the word obligation might be in there somewhere. And knowing what is our responsibility (our response) and what isn't (everyone else's behaviours). Potentially a rescuer complex rather than a victim one... where responsibility doesn't feel out of reach but actually feels too present?
There’s also feeling responsible for everyone around you, which can be a way of displacing attending to oneself. I’m sure many sandwich generation women know about this.
That is a really clear and compassionate description of what it means to take responsibility for one's life regardless of circumstances. I wanted to highlight two reactions to suffering that are 'taking responsibility' but can complicate things or have unintended consequences.
Following bereavement I intellectually knew I needed to accept I was now on my own so threw myself into saying yes to everything. I ended up avoiding the hard work of attending to the deep grief and sadness I was experiencing. To the outside world I was functioning successfully. Well, as you know, this can't be sustained. Taking responsibility for your life doesn't just mean doing things, making decisions independently but discerning when and what support is needed.
Another complicating factor is the role of faith. For some, responsibility is partly out-sourced to God and expectations profoundly shaped by this. And negotiating the who and why of responsibility for suffering and responding to it when it is upfront and personal requires some sensitive and skilful support.
Of course, skilled, wise and kind therapists required to navigate these tricky paths!
A great discussion. I find etymology useful to help me think through things and in this case was interested to see that ‘respond’ is compounded from two sources, ‘to answer’ and ‘promise’. ‘Promise’ seems wonderfully resonant with possibility and empowerment (and obligation) an infinity of choice really. So moving from ‘I can’t’ to a more open ‘how can I?’.
Beyond the individual freedom ‘proper’ responsibility denotes, there is also the political; bringing more balance between rights and responsibility, the latter, as social obligation, woefully spurned by widespread uncritical thinking fed by soundbite pap and right wing rabble rousing. It is very dismaying. Discussion of the meaning of individual and collective responsibility well overdue in these blame casting times.
One of the things I find so disappointing about the UK’s essentially two-party political system (ie government and opposition) is the disproportionate time wasted on ‘blaming the other side’. It’s not a great role model for our society, and risks cultivating a wider culture of learned helplessness at a societal level. I can’t help feeling so much more could be achieved with a more constructive, collaborative approach.
I agree. Our governance model is Centuries old, and completely nonsensical. I genuinely wonder if it wouldn't be better to get rid of all Govt frameworks, and just start again, re-building from the bottom up, beginning with the Parish council!
Etymology rules!
I have just been reading about someone who had an electronics business in Gaza city which was bombed. He has opened a small cafe making the internet available to people who need it and providing a place for people to meet and talk. It struck me that this is an outward facing example of what you are saying. Instead of being defined by victimhood, he has been able to do what he can do in his community. It’s doesn’t deny the actions of which he and his community are the victim, but it takes hold of what *can* be done. Although this is a practical and outwardly focussed example, it surely illustrates the inner capacity you are describing, and to which our inner work can tend.
Philippa, your article really speaks to me. It touches on an anxiety I hold when with so many now seeking a diagnosis ,I wonder how using a label can relinquish our responsibility for uncomfortable experiences. But maybe most importantly that in that distancing, we might inadvertently limit our own freedom, trapping ourselves . I appreciate how you explore this without labels . Good luck !
Thank you Philippa for your insights: I love response - ability! Such a neat way to illuminate this subject. Would we call your focus here personal responsibilty? I wonder about social responsibility too and how it intersects. Where do we set the boundary between the two, if they even need one? What I took from Man's Search for Meaning was that Frankl was able to endure the unendurable, by developing logotherapy which is the second half of the book and will have helped many people. I can't find the exact quote but he suggested the camps' brutal conditions were an ideal testing ground for his theories. Undoubtedly he must have written a different book to the first manuscript that was destroyed (I think at Auschwitz). So was Frankl's "why" ultimately found in a sense of social responsibility and the drive to help others?
Thank you. These are such valuable and thoughtfully expressed ideas. It took me many years, lots of therapy and much understanding to realise that my default responsibility-taking was just a way I tried to prove my worth to my (emotionally avoidant) mother. Then, after she died, I became so resentful of the emotional harm (or lack of emotional education, to frame it more positively) that had left me unprepared, even as an adult, to handle emotional situations that blame and victimhood consumed me instead. I can now see how that pendulum swing was inevitable and am now working my way back to a balanced centre, while still rocking from side to side between being over-responsible for everyone else and the angry victim that wants to step clearly away from anyone else’s needs. This article clearly describes where I want to be and I shall keep it by me in the hope of reaching the ‘still’ centre more quickly.
I have an ongoing dispute with my partner about whether understanding WHY someone did something, absolves them of responsibility for it. This is more in the context of accountability for deeds, than the ownership of one's life.
His take: it doesn't matter how tough someone's life has been and why they did what they did, the only thing that matters is the amount of harm they caused and understanding their reasons is excusing them from accountability.
My take: we can ask why, while still holding them accountable. In fact only by understanding why, can we address the root and change it in the future, otherwise the problem remains and our effort is spent on managing punishment, when it could be - on giving people tools to do better next time.
I agree with you. Understanding or trying to does not condone behaviour or actions.
"To understand all is to forgive all." But I don't believe it.
What a topic! For me, response-ability seems to equal agency and responsibility is accountability for that agency.
It's all a muddle now because we live in a 'society' where our narratives and values are becoming so disparate that we cannot understand each other. It feels as if we are losing a shared sense of responsibility.
Thank you for this column Philippa, it enlightens and stimulates.
When I saw the title I thought you might be going to talk about something else I've really appreciated in your writing - as Juliageek says, which is helping people detach themselves from feelings of responsibility to care from family members who have or continue to harm them, your 'guilt is better than resentment'. That might be an interesting additional angle on the question
The etymology (look it up) and definition (below) of the word 'responsibility' are extremely revealing:
Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages
responsibility
/rɪˌspɒn(t)sɪˈbɪlɪti/
noun
1.
the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.
"a true leader takes responsibility for their team and helps them achieve goals"
Similar:
authority
control
power
leadership
management
influence
duty
2.
the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
"the group has claimed responsibility for a string of murders"
Similar:
blame
fault
guilt
Saying someone is a 'responsible' person is a huge compliment. You'd be happy leaving them to look after your beloved cat, wouldn't you? They can be relied upon to have a sensible/appropriate response to situations
The 2 principal meanings of 'responsible' are key:
1. reliable, trustworthy e.g. responsible for your actions
2. guilty of e.g responsible for a crime
In Philippa's example, taking responsibility gives you the agency, makes you a responsible person. It does not make you guilty of what happened to you. That is someone else's responsibility!
This is so fantastic. Stepping stone information that can be transformative. Thank you for making it so clear.
I agree, Philippa - it's the movement from recognising and understanding the bad things that have happened, to a more empowered and autonomous position that is sometimes so difficult. The blame becomes like a ball and chain and we can become victims of our own sense of injustice.
This can be seen on a societal level too: the self-righteous indignation so often seen in perceived slights against an individual, gives them a false sense of power, but actually they become victims of their own impotent rage. With the rise of Reform, this impotent rage is being stoked, encouraging a cycle of self-righteous indignation and victimhood.
Brilliant! You could, perhaps, describe the real benefits and rewards that come when we make use of this new-found freedom. Some of these must include increased joy in living, in feeling capable of controlling our future and hence, increased self-esteem.
You probably already thought of these! 😂
Two questions. Does being responsible for yourself mean that you become self-sufficient,or do you still need the support of other people? And is ‘personal responsibility’ the same as ‘conscientiousness’? Sorry, Philippa, probably just throwing stuff into the mix, but I would love to know what you think.
No it doesn’t mean self-sufficient- we’re pack animals after all, it means you are responsible for your responses. Conscientiousness always struck me more as being careful to remember to lock the door, remember to pay on time, sticking to a budget - so more about what you do and being “good”. I’m seeing self-responsibility more about not slipping into victimhood, and taking control of your life - whether or not you make the decision to be conscientious or reckless.