“What Do You Do?”
You Are Not Your Job Title
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Dear Philippa
I have a two year old boy and I have no job. I never trained in anything specific, but I have done many things and have many passions and hobbies, but I have never been able to make anything pay. I have never found a job paying more than minimum wage and they are always random and fleeting.
I should have trained in one thing, but could never make a decision as to what. I’ve always had a fear of committing to anything and now I am 30 and jobless. I am never bored, I fill my days with all my hobbies, digging wild clay and making ceramics. but I have no formal training in anything, and my interests are so varied that I am paralysed with indecision about trying to qualify or train to have a decent paying job.
I feel deep shame about this matter to the point where I cannot talk about it to anyone. I have been feeling really low about it every day. It seems stupid to be so down about not having a job when I make art all day but still, I can’t help it. I feel guilty that I am not making more money for my son. I feel upset that people I went to university with are earning great money and having success in their field, but I left university because I felt so anxious all the time, which I look back on and see was a terrible mistake.
I am estranged from my bullying parents and whilst I have loving siblings, we all live far away from each other. I think about my childhood a lot, about what we had, wealth and a huge house and I cry because now I live in a one-bedroom flat and barely scrape by. I occasionally visit my wealthy family, but I do not go into details about myself and I see it as my fault for not committing to a career and for quitting everything. I have a boyfriend but he doesn’t mind about having very little, I think because he has a loving family. He is also an artist but seems no shame in being a starving artist type, whereas I do.
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