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Hi Philippa,
I’m writing because I’ve found real comfort and clarity in your book How to Stay Sane and in your podcast conversations. Your approach has helped me feel less alone in situations that often feel impossible to explain, especially when it comes to my relationship with my Mum.
My Mum has long been both vulnerable and, at times, emotionally unsafe. For over 20 years, I’ve tried to support her while also enduring behaviour that feels manipulative and dismissive. I’ve made choices for my own well-being, moving away, creating space, and nurturing my creative practice.
Yet, despite those efforts, I continue to walk around with an open wound. I can’t cut ties with her, I still want a relationship, but I struggle to stay connected with who she is today. This long-term dynamic has affected my self-esteem and made it difficult for me to form trusting, healthy relationships with new people. I often feel like I’m or not enough, and I worry that this tension follows me into connections I try to build, more so in romantic relationships.
I’m close with my sister, but the push–pull of our family dynamics leaves us both drained. My sister lives close to our Mum, and I’ve taken more of a back seat, which sometimes causes tension between us. I want to support her, and I want a relationship with my Mum, but I don’t know how to navigate it in a way that feels healthy, especially around birthdays, Christmas, or other moments where there’s pressure to “carry on as normal.”
One therapist suggested something that’s stayed with me, that I might have mirrored some of my Mum’s anxiety and depression as a way to feel closer to her. At the time it blew my mind. Why would anyone want to feel that way? But I wonder now if there’s something in that: that I internalised her emotional world to build connection. My sister told me about a boy at her school who pretends to be a cat all the time, because his mum loves cats. His mum often leaves him at friends’ houses. Is he trying to become something she loves, to feel closer to her? Was I, in some way, doing something similar becoming sad to feel seen?
I’d be so grateful for any thoughts you might have. Your work has helped me feel less alone in what can feel like a tangled, exhausting space. I want to find peace and continue to live a full life without abandoning the people I love.