How to save a relationship

You can blame, or your can take responsibility

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When I was in private practice I had a client who swore that I was less sympathetic and more challenging when I had a cold. It was accurate feedback. I hope I’m not about to go down with something. Two examples follow of me dishing out what some might call “tough love.”

The Question: How to Save a Marriage

My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for nearly nine. We have two young children in primary school. On the surface, things look pretty ideal. The kids are happy, we have decent jobs, financial stability and a beautiful home. But behind closed doors, it is a very different story. We argue all the time, often in front of the children, even though I do my best to avoid that. Over the years, our values and outlooks have grown further apart and, truth be told, neither of us seems willing to compromise anymore.

I have suggested going to couples therapy more than once but she will not have it. She feels unhappy in her career and often says she feels unfulfilled and this is despite the changes I have suggested, and the support I have tried to give. And if I bring up money or practical concerns, she accuses me of only caring about money.

We have both admitted that if it were not for the children, we would probably have separated by now. The idea of only seeing them part-time is unbearable to me. Every so often, we try to hit the reset button and pretend things are fine, but it never lasts long before the next row. I have worked hard on myself, including going to psychotherapy, which has helped me build self-esteem and a clearer sense of who I am. Even so, I am beginning to feel more and more withdrawn and trapped.

I do not want to walk away from our marriage, but I no longer know what to do. Where do I go from here?

My Answer

It takes two to argue. And, I may be wrong but I wonder if you’ve decided that because you’ve worked on yourself in therapy, the problem must now lie with your wife. It doesn’t work like that. It sounds like you’re trying to fix her unhappiness and you’re getting frustrated when you can’t. She’s quite possibly frustrated too because you are not just listening without offering solutions. I get the feeling you might want to fix her, and I guess she doesn’t want that. I think she’d rather be understood.

Yes, you have different values. That doesn’t mean one of you is right and the other wrong. The great thing about have different ways of seeing things from our partners is that it gives us the opportunity to see the world through eyes other than our own. You can accept you have different values too. That’s good, you are two different humans, it isn’t surprising. And when she says you care only about money, don’t argue. That’s the impression she’s getting. Own it: you do care about money and maybe some other things too, but admit it, it’s up there and it’s annoying for her.

Arguing is a choice. You can choose not to. You will not be annihilated by letting go of being “reasonable” and “right.” Letting go of being right is far more fun than ending up living in a bedsit and only seeing your kids part-time.

Marriage is hard. That’s why we have the commitment, to bind us through the tough times. You say neither of you will compromise? You control 50% of that equation. Start there.

Couples therapy might have helped. She doesn’t want to go. She might never. Your task is not to blame, withdraw or wait for her to change. It’s to engage, to lower expectations, stop trying to change her, realise that love is acceptance and love is a verb, it’s something that you do, and one way to do that is to stop needing to be right and become more accepting. Let go of the arguing. This isn’t just about you and her, there are kids here, you might not be able to bear only living with them part time and I’m sure they would not want that either. You never know, if you are more accepting, she may feel safer in time to be more accepting too. We cannot change another’s behaviour but we do have the power to change our own which is a whole 50% of the problem here. You’ll be amazed what an incredible change just 50% is.

You love your children, this is good. They are helpless and completely dependent when they are born and we pour love and care into them. We are probably besotted with them, but we do an awful lot of caring behaviour for our children: we care about their unhappiness; their comfort; their laughter; we actively love them and do things for them all the time even when we sometimes don’t feel like it; we think - what can I do to make this child of mine laugh, feel safe, what stuff can I do that makes their life better; all that and it can actually can make you feel love as well as act it. So maybe care for your wife in a similar way, even when you don’t feel like it, and see what happens when you get on the same side, rather than trying to get your way and win. I’m sure once upon a time you made each other laugh, could you find your way back to that?

And why should you be the one that lets go of being right and starts accepting, not blaming, caring about her and deciding not to argue? Because quite soon, if it’s not one of you, 4 lives are going to be affected and probably not in a good way. Empowering yourself to take unilateral action is the way forward. Switch from trying to “fix” her and move into thoughtful and loving behaviour that will strengthen rather than weaken your relationship. It’s going to take time to rebuild trust. And I’ll say it again LET GO OF BEING RIGHT. Good luck.

Bonus Question

Red Flags, but which one of these two is waving them?

When my partner and I first got together, we had an amazing start. We were both deeply in love. A few months in, things became difficult. His stressful job as a teacher made him often talk negatively about his students, and he seemed emotionally fragile, relying on me for constant support and reassurance. I had been happily single and active before we met, and I started feeling dragged down. So we broke up last year.

By chance, we reconnected in December. He seemed much happier, with a new job and hobbies, and things went well, until recently.

At my dad’s 70th birthday, he was stressed about something. Later, when a disagreement arose about walking home from the party, he swore at me (“don’t fucking fuck with me”) and behaved childishly. He apologised tearfully the next day, even offering to apologise to a friend, who had also been unimpressed by his behaviour.

However, in later conversations, he downplayed the issue and focused on how his happiness is his priority.

I’m unsure what to do now. Are these serious red flags?

The Answer