The Daily Temperature Reading: A tool for couples, groups, teams and families:
This structure for a meeting can clear communication
Even steady secure relationships need support sometimes and chaotic families especially need help. This next exercise is designed to promote clear communication. It’s my favourite tool to get couples, families and groups to share on a deeper level or get closer is an intervention called: THE DAILY TEMPERATURE READING or DTR for short.
Item One: Appreciations. Take turns to specifically say what you appreciate about the other person. Not just “You’re great” but more specific, for example, “I appreciate how you quietly took care of the packed lunches yesterday.” Or “I appreciate how you took the time to call in on my mother yesterday.” Or even, “I love that blue scarf you wear, it really suits you.” Take turns to swap about three appreciations each. You can also mention aspects of their personality or character that you particularly appreciate. When you are appreciated, don’t bat an appreciation away by saying, “oh, it was nothing” but take it in with a “thank you” instead.
The next item on the agenda is called, New Information. In the midst of over-packed lives we can forget to slow down and really share. it is easy to forget to mention the details or things you’ve learned. In this step, think about what you’ve learned. Share that information. Did your mother call and cancel the dinner this week? Have you read something interesting, or seen something stupid on a reel? Perhaps you got a letter from your child’s school. Share these things with one another. You can also share deeper things, like “I’ve been feeling restless lately, I don’t know what it means I need to do, I don’t want you to fix me, but I wanted to share where I was at.” It’s good to stop and really sense how you are feeling about yourself and your life and share that too. Take about 5-10 minutes each. When the other person is speaking, don’t interrupt and leave the space for them to think and feel, as well as speak.
The third item in the agenda is puzzles. Is there anything that happened recently between you that you don’t understand, “did you slam the door this morning or did the wind catch it?” If you find yourself making an assumption about the other person, don’t assume, but check it out. You can also share more general puzzles like “I am concerned about how to resolve this problem. I don’t know what to do about this.”
Step 4 is for Complaints with a request for change.
It’s important to remember when making a complaint about another person that this is information about you, not about them. It’s about what you find annoying or don’t like. So use I-statements not You-statements. So it’s not, “you are annoying when you leave the tv on then leave the room” but “I find it annoying when you…” and don’t just make a complaint on its own , say what you’d like instead. “I’d like you to turn off the tv when you’re no longer watching it”. When you get a complaint and recommendation for change, do immediately defend yourself, don’t make a counter complaint, don’t take it as an attack. Remember, it is information about them not you. And at the next Daily Temperature Reading, you may have new information such as, “I’ve realised the silence in the house makes me less relaxed so that’s why I like the noise on a tv on, even if I’m not watching it.”
It’s best not to do more that one complaint each per session.
Finish the Daily Temperature Reading with the fifth step: Wishes Hopes and Dreams. Dare to say what you wish for, what your dreams are, and take your partners aspirations seriously too. It’s good to say out loud if you want to write a book, run a marathon, go on holiday somewhere nice, pass exams, change your career. It’s strangely vulnerably making and can make you feel closer.
The main caveats of The Daily Temperature Reading are: be disciplined in keeping to each separate category i.e. - don’t stick a complaint disguised as an appreciation and listen non-defensively.