“Settling into domesticity is getting dull”
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Hi Philippa,
Thanks for all your posts, I really enjoy reading them, especially as an aspiring therapist myself (starting a foundation course in the new year). I’ve subscribed recently and find myself spending a lot of time on your substack.
For my own question - some context: I’ve had lots of therapy myself over the years which has helped me recognise the pattern that underpinned my first serious relationship, which lasted for 5 years until I was 24 - the end significantly hastened by lockdown, which made it impossible for me to ignore how much I had suppressed all my needs and even thoughts in service of my ex-partner, who had severe mental health issues and refused to get help.
Over 5 years later now, I have had a period of rediscovering myself and the life I wanted to live, a period of dating, and am now nearly 2.5 years into a really good relationship. My partner is incredibly stable, consistent and generous, and has taught me that I can be loved without having to ‘earn’ it, that I don’t have to be perfect all the time, that I am worthy just for being myself. He comes from a family of stable, loving relationships (not something I’m at all used to, having had divorced and unstable parents) and his parents and siblings have welcomed me with open arms. So basically, I love my partner and know this relationship is really good for me, and that he is the person I want to have children and establish a life with.
The thing that has been niggling at me recently is that I feel myself getting slightly itchy as we settle into proper domesticity. It’s not to do with the things we do, but more the way we talk. As we settle into every day life it feels like we run out of things to talk about quite quickly, or more precisely, I feel like I do most of the talking as my partner has to be coaxed out of his shell a bit more - and maybe I feel the need/can be bothered to do that less as we get more comfortable so there’s less talking.
I’ve never wanted to end up in one of those relationships you see where an older couple sit eating dinner in silence because they have nothing to say to each other - but is that, to an extent, just natural if you’ve been together for a long time? Is it not necessarily a bad thing and actually a sign of extreme comfort, but my internal patterns might be seeing it as a danger signal - maybe because I feel some responsibility to always ‘manage the vibe’, as my friend has previously pointed out, by making sure everyone is having fun and so sitting in silence feels like some kind of failure?
I don’t feel at all like I want to end my relationship - I occasionally get the toxic thought of the dating app era that maybe there’s someone ‘better’ out there but I am able to quickly silence that because I do know that my partner is exactly the person I want to be with, and I love him deeply and feel committed. I just get a bit scared at these feelings of discomfort as we really settle down.
Any wisdom would be very welcome - thank you.
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