My wife doesn't share my passion
Never mind!
Write to me at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions
Dear Philippa,
My wife and I have always been a close unit and are very much in love. We share some things together which we enjoy. However, there’s one thing which we don’t share at all, which happens to be a big part of my life.
I get great pleasure in life from the natural world. I love wildlife, birdwatching, the countryside and very much appreciate the beauty of our planet. Before we met I used to binge watch documentaries on the natural world and go on hiking holidays around Europe - sometimes solo. She doesn’t share this at all. She’s completely uninterested in wildlife and doesn’t really have any time for what I consider to be the beautiful things in the world. It would be the longest day of the year, a beautiful evening and I would want to go for a stroll and enjoy the sunset together. She would want to watch Netflix in bed with the curtains drawn. On holiday we were driving through the mountains and I stopped at a stunning gorge with an amazing view. I got out the car to soak it all in and take photographs. She stayed in the car and read her book and barely looked up.
In her defence she doesn’t stop me from doing any of these things, we just end up doing them separately as she has no interest in them, or often not at all. This often makes me internally frustrated and at times resentful as I feel I can’t talk about or do something which is/was a big part of my life with the person I love. These days I avoid stopping to look at the view because her complete indifference to it upsets me (internally). It leaves me bitterly disappointed as I am longing for her to appreciate these things in life with me, so it can be a shared experience. Ultimately, I am asking her to be something or someone she is not. How can I accept her for who she is and reconcile this in my head?
Thank you for your help.
Best wishes,
The Answer
Many couples enjoy different things. They still remain close because they stay interested in one another. They may ask, what is this thing doing to you? What part of you does it speak to? They don’t have to be interested in the thing. Have you been asking that about the books your wife reads, the programs she wants to watch in the dark? Are you perhaps unknowingly assuming that somehow your interest in the planet is superior to her interest in culture? If so, I expect she’d find that annoying.
My husband is passionate about cycling. I am not. I do not share the interest in bikes, strategy, or lycra. I do not go on cycling holidays. I do not shout at the television during the Tour de France. But sometimes I sit with him while he does, (whilst playing on my phone). I do not need to love cycling to love the part of him that lights up in its presence. In turn, he does not accompany me to psychotherapy conferences, he doesn’t come with me to Mexico for my Gestalt therapy retreats. I’m fine with that. Why? Because of all the other people who witness that part of me which is passionate about therapy and theory. I don’t believe it is reasonable to insist that all of me witnessed by just one person. So long as someone witnesses the different parts of me, I feel seen. So my first instruction to you is join a group of people to witness you witnessing nature. My husband joins a group to cycle across France with, other people can say, “Bloody well done mate” when he’s panted his way up Mont Ventoux, so I don’t have to. They probably all witness each other enjoying the view from up there too.
The relationship researcher, John Gottman describes something small but powerful, which he calls “bids for attention”. A solid relationship will have 7 out of 10 mutual bids for attention honoured, and if only 3 out of 10 are honoured a relationship may be in trouble. Honouring a bid is different from asking her to love nature. But I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask her to witness from time to time what nature means to you, which is different. But to get to that point, you may need to say something you have not said directly. Not that you are disappointed she does not see the world as you do, but that you feel unseen yourself. That you are asking not for a shared view, but for her to show interest in what the view does to you. The problem is not aesthetic. It is relational. And of course, this means being interested in what her book means to her, or what her program is to her. So this is something that may need to work for both of you.
One of my favourite thinkers, Nietzsche saw love not as fusion, but as encounter. Not as sameness, but as relation between two distinct selves. The risk in relationships is the pressure to become one person. To merge in name of unity. But when this happens, interest collapses. Curiosity fades. You can only be in relationship with someone who is not you. For Nietzsche, strength in love came from standing apart while staying close, a kind of respectful distance that makes meeting possible again and again. He wrote that marriage should be a long conversation. Conversation depends on difference. It also depends on returning, to yourself, and to each other. You cannot return if you have abandoned the part of yourself that looks up, that stops the car, and gets out to take in the view. Don’t give up your hikes around Europe, keep watching your nature documentaries. Giving up those moments may feel like a solution to the disappointment. It is not. It is self-erasure. When you stop doing that because she isn’t interested, she isn’t erasing you, you are erasing yourself. Don’t not stop looking at kestrels and gorges just because she doesn’t want to join you. You’ll feel resentful if you blame her for not stopping to look. She’s fine, she knows what you’re like, that’s why she brought a book.
A partner cannot be everything. If she is not the one who will walk into a landscape with you, find those who will. But do not let the desire for shared experience become a silence around your own need. Speak. Not to convince her of the view’s beauty, but to show her what it means to you. Invite her into you, not into the hike. You say you are asking her to be someone she is not. That may be true. You may also be asking her to see who you are. That is not the same thing.
But what do you think? Hit subscribe and let me know in the comments.
The powerful truth in this response is just breath-taking (I think I did actually hold my breath whilst reading the paragraph about Nietzsche, in a bid to memorise every word of wisdom). There is also such kindness, and humour, in your advice - which I think anyone who’s in any kind of relationship can use.
This is so helpful. I love that idea that a good relationship should have seven bids for attention. It is all about attention, and noticing. Stopping, listening, seeing. But remaining true to yourself at the same time. It's not easy! I really love how you weave in thinkers you've been inspired by. It helps my own thinking and writing - as I love thinking and writing about these things too. Thank you. Always an inspiration.