My Brother Won't Communicate
What is there left to do?
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Dear Philippa
How can I help my brother when he won’t communicate?
Last year, I lost my dear Mum. She was taken ill in the spring, she declined quickly and died in the autumn. It was very traumatic for me and my family to see her decline so quickly.
She leaves my Dad, a devoted husband of 60 years, myself and my brother. I am 56 and my brother is 54. We’ve always been a close family, all living fairly near one another, and Mum was the heart of our world.
Less than a week after Mum’s death, I experienced more trauma. I was violently assaulted by my husband in a drunken rage. We have been together for nearly a decade in a happy relationship, and this came completely out of the blue. He has no history of violence whatsoever.
As a result of the assault, I immediately left him, and went to live in a different property that I own. At this point, my brother decided to stop talking to me. He just cut all contact and refused to come round to Dad’s house when I was there.
Immediately after the assault, I stayed with Dad for a few weeks until I got the other house ready to move into. This helped to support Dad in the immediate aftermath of Mum’s death, and whilst we were making funeral arrangements.
My brother lives a short distance from Dad’s house, but when I moved in temporarily, after the assault, he stopped coming round. Dad was upset enough at losing Mum, and then had the additional upset of finding out what had happened to me, all whilst planning her funeral. So for my brother to behave in this way, just added to the stress and upset.
Dad spoke to him and it transpires that my brother ‘did not agree’ with me leaving my husband and insinuated that I was a ‘gold digger’ who had seen this as an opportunity to leave him and take half of everything we own! I found this deeply hurtful and absurd.
Six months have passed now since Mum’s death and he still refuses to talk to me. He completely blanked me at Mum’s funeral, which upset Dad further. I haven’t seen him since the funeral.
My Dad is incredibly upset at the ongoing situation with my brother and it’s actually weighing very heavy on him now, I fear it is making him ill.
He has tried again to speak to him several times, which just results in him completely closing down, refusing to speak about it, putting the phone down, or storming out of the house.
I haven’t tried any direct contact with him, as Dad warned me that he’d just put the phone down or refuse to see me.
It transpires that this seems like a jealousy problem, and a very long standing problem at that.
He has made comments to Dad to suggest that I divorced my first husband to get his money (completely untrue!) and now I’m doing the same again. Whilst telling Dad that he’s had to work really hard all his life to pay for his house.
He’s also told Dad that he thinks I’ve always been the ‘favourite child’ which is also untrue. I certainly never felt that way, we were always treated as equals.
My brother is also being very difficult with his only daughter. She is married with a child and they live a 3 hour drive away.
He is frustrated and angry that he does not get much time to spend with his grandkid. This anger is becoming a big problem. Her husband’s parents live close by and they get to spend lots of time with him, so he feels like he’s missing out and does not get any quality time with him.
My brother works full time, he works a shift pattern, so he is limited as to when he can see him. I suggested a few years ago that he considers selling his house and moving closer to them, to make things easier, but he completely ruled out this option, saying that he could not afford to live ‘down south’.
Their relationship is becoming increasingly strained. Especially as he now refuses to visit her if I will be there. Next week it’s his kid’s birthday, and my niece is having a family birthday party. he’s refused to go because I will be there. He’s fallen out with his daughter over this, he will put the phone down on her, ignore her messages and generally behave like a child. He seems unable to communicate his feelings effectively or by open to having a conversation.
My brother has always had very negative views about women in general. He’s never married, his daughter came from a short lived relationship when he was very young, her mother walked out and him with his daughter. My Mum, Dad and I helped him to bring her up, so that he could continue to work and we became close to her.
He’s had a string of girlfriends over the years, but any mention of moving in together, he just dumps them. In fact, his attitude to women is very poor. He’s got several friends whose wives have left them, so he just sees women as money grabbers and he seems to see all women, including me, through this distorted lens.
He has also become obsessed with various conspiracy theories in the last 6 months. He thinks everything is a conspiracy and everyone else is a moron for not seeing this.
My Dad, my niece and I, are all very upset at the current situation. We all agree that we think his mental health is not in a good place and perhaps he needs some help.
I am concerned for his wellbeing and can see him heading for a full breakdown. He is the type of macho bloke that would never, ever, consider counselling.
My question to you is this: How can we help him? Can we help him at all? Or do we just have to leave him to travel his own path until he gets to a place where he realises he needs help? I fear that path may run out and something awful could happen (I had a friend who’s brother committed suicide) so I’m very aware of what can happen when people think other people don’t care. We are all at a loss of what to do next.
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