Love is blind unfortunately

How would you respond to this person?

Dear Philippa,

I really hope you can help, as I’m struggling to move on from what I now believe was an unhealthy relationship.

I was with someone for five years and we are both in our late 40s. We met during Covid and, after only three months, he was talking about us selling our Edinburgh homes and creating a life together in the Highlands, while keeping a base in the city for work. I was slightly unsettled by the speed, but I loved him and hoped for the best.

After our second Christmas together, during which he had Covid and was behaving terribly – something my family witnessed – we disagreed about several things. He then told me he no longer wanted me to move in with him. By this point, I had accepted an amazing offer on my flat and was an month away from selling. He had made no moves to sell his house.

I was devastated, but because I loved him, I accepted it and went into overdrive trying to find a rented home for myself and my dog. Meanwhile, he continued looking for somewhere in the Highlands and eventually bought a place. I moved into a rental in Edinburgh, coincidentally only minutes from him.

From then on, a pattern emerged. When he was stressed with work or renovating the his Highlands place, he became critical, belittling and putting me down, both privately and in front of my friends and family. He was obsessed with how much I was contributing to the second home, despite the fact that I was now paying almost double my previous mortgage in rent and struggling financially as a freelancer, while he was very affluent.

Small things became power struggles. I was told to take cold showers because he did. Even putting the kettle on could become an issue. When I asked to leave a light on for my dog, he replied, “If you were paying the bills, then yes, but you’re not, so no.” He would mansplain DIY tasks when I tried to help, yet then began staying at my flat four nights a week without any discussion about it.

I travelled to the Highlands place as much as I could between work and searching for a new home, but I was constantly told I didn’t come or contribute enough. When I asked whether we could spend just one weekend a month together in town, he said, “You knew I was buying this place,” and gave me a hard no. Yet during the week, we barely saw each other because he was always too tired or stressed.

Eventually, I became exhausted by the criticism and the lack of autonomy and began retreating into myself. I focused on trying to buy another home and regain some financial stability. But the occasional affection and connection he gave me kept me hooked for another three years.

Last year, after another period of him pulling away because of work, I finally broke. I had been asking for more connection and some commitment to our future, only to be met with anger, deflection, or comments such as, “Why are you ruining a lovely lunch?” After a week or two of barely speaking, during which he said he needed “space”, I ended the relationship when he finally called. I was exhausted, hurt and no longer recognised myself.

Over the following six months, he contacted me wanting to talk and reconcile, but nothing in his messages suggested any real reflection or regret. He said he had experienced a breakdown at work and “hadn’t been himself”. When we eventually met, he told me I wouldn’t understand his stress because I wasn’t in a “leadership role”. There was still no empathy or apology for how his behaviour had affected me. Instead he was fixated on how abruptly I ended it and how it caused him to grieve.

We left the conversation feeling defeated, but I am struggling enormously to move on. For some reason, I still see him as formidable and attractive, and I continue to admire his confidence – qualities I value greatly in other people. I know I have achieved a lot myself, yet he somehow convinced me over five years that I was the problem.

How do I get over the guilt of ending it so abruptly? And, more importantly, how can I learn to trust myself again when I no longer feel I have a clear sense of what a healthy relationship looks like?

I would really appreciate your help.

Over to you readers…