It is love or longing?

And what’s the difference?

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The Question:

Dear Philippa,

I am stuck in a quagmire of my own doing, and, despite trying hard, I am unable to find a way out.

I got with a kind, nice man a few years ago: we were great partners, friends and domestic team. Things were easy. We had an interesting sex life, even though my desire was a result of my affection for him more so than true longing. The agreement was that our relationship was to be open from the outset and that suited me very well, I went on dates with other men, but nothing of consequence. It helped me feel alive and to discover new parts of me, and I also enjoyed the process of ‘coming home’ to my partner.

Then I met someone who, in every way, is the complete opposite of my partner, now ex-partner, and I fell hard - only then did I realise how hungry my soul was. I also strongly desire him sexually. My now ex did not react kindly, feeling dismissed and sidelined as I shifted my attention to the new man. This made me run even more towards him. Probably it would have been better for me to have no partner, instead I tried to spread myself across two, trying to juggle their needs and mine. It was exhausting, and my solution was what I now call ‘the split’. I wanted one partner for the stability, safety, the other one as ‘the lover'. Neither of them is happy with these assigned roles. My partner and I separated but we still are the great team from before (minus the sexual part, at times I am quite disgusted by his body), with my lover we have a difficult on-off relationship. I must shield both men from each other, not mention their names as it is triggering for each of them.

I feel that my lover gets the ‘better part’ of me, the sexy, outgoing one, and I am confused about why he would be unhappy with that. I do know it is unrealistic to want to have all needs met by one person, but this here seems to be equally counterproductive. I am scared of hurting them because I want them both in my life, yet it seems that this is exactly what is happening to the three of us over and over again. I don’t want to lose them and I’m beginning to feel desperate.

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My Answer