I avoid making any decision
And My Life is Ruled by Fear
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Dear Philippa,
I think I am an avoidant in life of certain things that scare me and it is really beginning to weigh heavy on me. I am engaged to a wonderful man who I love. We are due to start planning our wedding but I am avoiding it because I am terrified. Every time I think about it I get a wave of panic and just want to stick my head in the sand. It’s causing me a lot of pain as I feel my fiancé deserves more and the anxiety is never ending as I am constantly trying to figure out what I want. My parents split when I was 9 and my mum never dated or moved on in anyway. I spent months listening to her cry herself to sleep, I asked her once why she never dates after my dad and she said ‘I’m fat, ugly and boring’ who would want me’. This broke my heart.
I have always wanted the stereotypical love story, it’s what I dreamed of, meeting someone and knowing they were the one…never having any doubts or worries. To feel the security that people seem to feel. I worry I am giving up on that dream but maybe that is an unrealistic expectation for someone who feels a lot of anxiety.
I am feeling scared that it will not work out, that we will have to go through a painful divorce, that I am missing out on being in a relationship with all the magical feelings the world has told me I should have and no longer having these doubts. The anxiety gets so bad I think about being alone as it is the only way to stop it. I do not know if all this anxiety if my ‘intuition’ telling me something is not right or just fear trying to protect me. My partner knows some of my fears and he tries his best to understand but I feel so guilty telling him, as I know it hurts him. If anyone is upset with me or there is conflict I go straight into flight mode as it feels unsafe. Sometimes it feels like the fear thoughts are screaming at me to run and I feel bombarded by What ifs. I don’t want the relationship to end but I feel so emotionally exhausted by the anxiety and marriage is a big thing to just try and hope it works out. The alternative is leaving, breaking mine and my fiancé’s heart. This has been a pattern in past relationships, the constant questioning of should I stay or should I go and in past relationships I have ended up leaving as I can’t cope with the never ending questioning. I think the fact I have ADHD doesn’t help as I do get overwhelmed by things quite easily and tend to ruminate.
This is not the only place I have felt this fear, it happens with other things like driving. I did 6 months of driving lessons and spent the whole time terrified. I also had it when I had to get my bathroom replaced in my flat, I ended up paying the workman extra to choose everything for me as it all felt so overwhelming and I didn’t want to make any mistakes. It like I don’t trust myself to make decisions.
Apologies if this is just a stream of consciousness, I struggle to talk to my friends and family, as I do not want them to judge my relationship or me. I have had counselling in the past but I just can’t seem to get past this.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Thank you for everything you do.
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