I can resonate with what you say, dear LW, in oh so many ways - and in oh so very many years of therapy - so all I'll say is that everything in Philippa's comment is pure gold.
Print it out and read it over and over because it's so packed with life-saving truth it may take a while for it to fully percolate and soothe all the bits of your heart that need soothing.
And those that need permission to simply BE and REST, after decades of DOING.
Unhealthy boundaries and emotional instability in parents often mean children who live in a hypervigilant state, where they're constantly putting out fires or trying to rescue the adults who should be looking after them, in a role reversal that can prove hard to detect and eventually stop.
Also, keeping someone's emotional pollution at arm's length, while often crucial and necessary, can be a complicated balancing act.
I wonder if you feel tired.
What I'm trying to say here is that going by what you wrote, you sound like you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time (don't we all, in the end?). You're now looking back at your "trying to normalise an impossible situation"-self from a position of "there's no emergency to manage now" and wondering why you weren't more calm and collected at the time, why you weren't (even more) of a rescuer. But that's an impossibly demanding expectation to have, and an unfair one at that.
I wish you saw that younger self through kinder eyes, and saw how what you did then wasn't just enough, it was most likely too much for any child to shoulder. And, most importantly, it simply wasn't your responsibility.
Plus, as Philippa says, hoarding is entrenchment.
Have I said "pure gold" yet?? Yep. That.
Best of luck with everything, dear LW. You're not alone in this. 💪
Great response from Philippa. The LW would draw comfort and gradually shift her harsh view of herself by reading it every time her mind dragged her into the guilty feelings.
Whatever happened in her adult relationship with the mother, her mum would know deep down that she was loved. The LW's presence alone confirmed that. It was more than could be expected given the mother's reactions.
She has actually been a loyal, steadfast daughter under awful circumstances and despite a childhood of fear and isolation. I'm full of admiration.
I too have a mother who sulks, ignores and holds lifelong grudges. It’s very hard and you’re maybe also grieving that mother that you wish you’d had. Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you were a good daughter under the circumstances and we all have to employ some self protection once we realise our parent’s foibles.
I’m a similar age, my mum died two years ago. Although I have siblings, I lived close by and did most of the care that was needed. We had a good stable upbringing but she was an angry shouty mum, belittling us at times. In her last few years, I found her cruel, critical and it was very difficult to deal with. I had counselling at the time, which helped to put in boundaries. She made me feel I wasn’t ever doing enough, and what I did was never good enough anyway. I did so much for her it almost took over living my own life. For a while - like you - I looked back and had punishing thoughts about - should have done better, should have this and that. It’s a total waste of time. I did my best and you can’t do better than your best. Do try and stand back and realise that as awful as it sounds, sometimes those closest to us are cruel because they feel safe to be so. They know they can sound off and it’s safe because you will still be there. She was unhappy, that’s why she was unkind.
You sound lovely - you cared in the way you could at the time. You still showed up, still called. The fact you didn’t have a close loving relationship was down to her, not you. Please be proud of yourself, no one can do better (and frankly she was lucky you didn’t estrange yourself from her!). And most importantly- be forward looking .
Your advice is so helpful Philippa, not only for the letter writer but anyone who finds themselves caught up in ruminating over past events and blaming themselves for not somehow being better. The letter writer did the best she could at the time for her mother. As someone who also does this kind of raking over the past and self blame, I want to put this part on the wall and read it regularly:
It's possible that the way your mind returns to those many moments you wish had gone differently is not a sign that you are failing to move on, but that a part of you is still trying to find a different ending. I wonder if, instead of asking yourself to stop these thoughts, you might begin to recognise them as expressions of grief, regret and love, all mixed together. You are not only remembering what happened, you are also responding now with the care and understanding you did not have access to
It doesn't really sound to me that there is much you need to make amends for; you were a dutiful daughter who phoned weekly and visited regularly, even if only for a short time. This is a lot more than many adult children would do for a mother who wasn't even necessarily as difficult as yours!
What I sense more in your letter is an immense retrospective empathy for your mother's difficult life and a sadness that you are unable to communicate to her that you now understand.
You make it clear in your letter that you know there is nothing you can do about this even though you have tried almost every therapy you can find.
I wonder if you can find other avenues to channel your compassion - in your family, at work or in your community? It may be too late to show your mother you understand, but there are plenty of other people / animals / nature that would benefit hugely from your attentive eye and hopefully give you a sense of fulfilment at the same time.
I wonder if your ruminating about your own behaviour is also based on a fantasy that if you'd acted differently, your mother would have been able to love you.
Yes, I agree with Philippa, now that your Mum is not there, sulking, being moody or angry, depressed and accepting her victim status without any effort to help herself - She could have joined some clubs, found some friends, worked, etc, etc - it’s easy for you to think you had control.
Anyway, I’m commenting because I’m reading a great book at the moment called ‘I’m glad my Mom died’ and it’s a memoir of a woman who’s Mother had many issues. You might enjoy it and I’m sure you will recognise many parts of story. Manipulation, hoarding, control through moods….
One other thing just occurred to me… are you around the age where you might be menopausal? I am, and in the last few years I have been remembering sad, bad, traumatic things that really I had almost never thought about before. I have decided that this must be something to do with my hormones as I have not been stressed, upset or filled with regret about them before and now I am. So when they come up, I often have to have a word with myself. It’s usually when I’m alone, and often when driving (as often the only time I’m alone!) and I shake my head, and say out loud ‘No, Stop thinking like that - it’s in the past, it doesn’t matter, I am a good person living a good life’ and then I play a song I know all the words to at high volume and sing along!!!
Sorry, this sounds a bit flippant but it works for me, and I’m hoping when my hormones eventually settle, that these intrusive regret-filled thoughts that can do me no good whatsoever will go back where they came from!
I can tell you don’t want to waste any more of your time and life thinking about these negative things and I hope you manage it. Take care X
Hello lovely letter writer. Fellow traveller here, about the same age, similar trodden path.
Firstly, what a fantastic job you have done by writing to Philippa. Words of great wisdom as a response, which you can absorb and work on. I’ll add my penneth.
You did your absolute best at the time and in the circumstances. Read that again. And again. And again. Repeat it over and over. Because you did. The adult ‘you’ needs to reassure the younger ‘you ‘ with love, care and compassion. Grieve for what you did not have; it’s hard and remains hard in a world where ‘Mother’s Day’ is a thing , and mother’s are supposed to be this or that. As an adult, understand that your mother was an adult making her own life and managing her own response to circumstances. As a child, you could not rescue her, nor can you as an adult. Her upbringing was her upbringing; she did not have to inflict the consequences of it onto you.
You did your absolute best at the time and in the circumstances. I may not feel like that, but you did.
I send you love and care as you work on healing the consequences of your mother’s actions that you are dealing with.
I found this very moving. I am 61, an only child and had a similar relationship with my (divorced) mum who died 6 years ago. What has helped me is to view Mum and me not as a tight unit to the exclusion of all others, although it often felt that we were. Instead I have tried to view her as an entity in herself, with others - me, her friends - orbiting around her, all trying to manage her in our various ways.
Many of her friendships imploded. There were rows and fall-outs. There was a relationship with a local man in our small town which I wasn't even aware of until after Mum had died. We were all doing our best - including Mum as she had her struggles. It's extremely hard but as a daughter you can only do what you can do, and it sounds as if you did a lot and really cared above and beyond.
You are a 62 year old woman judging your much younger self. You are a daughter who did her best. Is it guilt you are feeling because you think you could have saved your mum or is it guilt because you are furious she didn’t save herself? Is it your guilt to carry or hers?Guilt is something we feel when we’ve done something wrong. I think it sounds like you did what you could to save yourself that is all that is in our power. I hope you can find a way to let go of your harsh self judgements and love yourself gently.
I want to thank the writer for writing this. I have nothing to add to Philippa’s excellent advice, but it’s reminded me to be more careful to try to make sure my children don’t feel this way when they are in their 60s. I’d rather they were angry! LW, if your mother was alive, healthy and (somehow) able to be happy now, what would she want for you?
That’s a good point, I think, about being angry. Shift the feelings from inward to outward. I bet anger was never allowed. The whale music made me smile a bit, I think you have been calmly accepting of a miserable situation, you sound like you could teach us all about that!
You sound extremely loving and patient towards people who pushed you to your limits, your father allowed it as much as your mother. You could be glad of the massive success of not turning into either of them. The guilt is not useful, treat it like an unwanted visitor. Not today, thank you.
Your mother sounds like an incredibly difficult woman and yet you continued to call her regularly, help her financially, visit her and love her. You sometimes cut visits short because your instinct to try to help her with her hoarding caused her irritation and caused friction between you but you continued to visit because you are a kind person. She was so lucky to have you to care for her. You were a wonderful daughter.
Beautiful letter full of compassion and desire for balance and healing. We live in the circles of life ecosystems and when they become out of balance and unhealthy it is a complex predicament to bring back into balance. We see this across our precious living biome hurtling through space seemingly alone in the universe. Being connected and practicing love and kindness for ourselves and others starts the process. Caring about our ancestors as well as our descendants is vital in the journey of ensuring generational trauma does not get passed on.
My mother is nearing the end of her journey and I have put time, thought and energy into healing my relationship with her and I am so glad I did because I hope I will be in acceptance, gratitude and love for her when the time comes. And my journey has I know helped heal other relationships in our family.
From the sounds of it you did a great job of staying in communication and doing some of this work even if you did not feel you completed the journey.
I know that you can continue that journey with other relationships in your life. Not just the one with your mother. You can do some more healing beyond her mortal presence in your life by speaking to her or composing her a letter. What can you take responsibility for? What did you love about her and are proud to bring with you into your life? What lessons have you learned from the ways she did and did not thrive? If your dad is still alive can you read him this letter? Talk to him about this journey you are on?
In order to transform the huge catastrophes being revealed across our precious globe right now we have to accept everything that has happened so far and be ok with it. It has happened and cannot be changed.
Even though it is hard to bear.
At the same time be in action about how to move ourselves, our loved ones and the wider community towards a healthier more resilient future.
This starts with being ok with your relationship with your mum and that you did your best. You will go mad if you live in regrets and shoulda woulda coulda land. What relationships that are still alive can you transform with the compassion for your mum expressed in this letter at the back of your mind. Good luck and be proud that you are growing into a wise elder yourself 🍀
I recently read an essay by Rachel Cusk called ‘Coventry’ and it might help you to do the same. It explores the act of sending somebody to that space (ie ignoring them intentionally) and is in a collection of the same title.
It’s not your fault your mother was miserable and it sounds like you were a really good daughter to her. I hope you manage to find some inner peace because you deserve it.
That’s a beautiful sensitive and helpful reply that helps me too, thanks Philippa
I can resonate with what you say, dear LW, in oh so many ways - and in oh so very many years of therapy - so all I'll say is that everything in Philippa's comment is pure gold.
Print it out and read it over and over because it's so packed with life-saving truth it may take a while for it to fully percolate and soothe all the bits of your heart that need soothing.
And those that need permission to simply BE and REST, after decades of DOING.
Unhealthy boundaries and emotional instability in parents often mean children who live in a hypervigilant state, where they're constantly putting out fires or trying to rescue the adults who should be looking after them, in a role reversal that can prove hard to detect and eventually stop.
Also, keeping someone's emotional pollution at arm's length, while often crucial and necessary, can be a complicated balancing act.
I wonder if you feel tired.
What I'm trying to say here is that going by what you wrote, you sound like you did the best you could with the resources you had at the time (don't we all, in the end?). You're now looking back at your "trying to normalise an impossible situation"-self from a position of "there's no emergency to manage now" and wondering why you weren't more calm and collected at the time, why you weren't (even more) of a rescuer. But that's an impossibly demanding expectation to have, and an unfair one at that.
I wish you saw that younger self through kinder eyes, and saw how what you did then wasn't just enough, it was most likely too much for any child to shoulder. And, most importantly, it simply wasn't your responsibility.
Plus, as Philippa says, hoarding is entrenchment.
Have I said "pure gold" yet?? Yep. That.
Best of luck with everything, dear LW. You're not alone in this. 💪
Great response from Philippa. The LW would draw comfort and gradually shift her harsh view of herself by reading it every time her mind dragged her into the guilty feelings.
Whatever happened in her adult relationship with the mother, her mum would know deep down that she was loved. The LW's presence alone confirmed that. It was more than could be expected given the mother's reactions.
She has actually been a loyal, steadfast daughter under awful circumstances and despite a childhood of fear and isolation. I'm full of admiration.
I too have a mother who sulks, ignores and holds lifelong grudges. It’s very hard and you’re maybe also grieving that mother that you wish you’d had. Please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you were a good daughter under the circumstances and we all have to employ some self protection once we realise our parent’s foibles.
I’m a similar age, my mum died two years ago. Although I have siblings, I lived close by and did most of the care that was needed. We had a good stable upbringing but she was an angry shouty mum, belittling us at times. In her last few years, I found her cruel, critical and it was very difficult to deal with. I had counselling at the time, which helped to put in boundaries. She made me feel I wasn’t ever doing enough, and what I did was never good enough anyway. I did so much for her it almost took over living my own life. For a while - like you - I looked back and had punishing thoughts about - should have done better, should have this and that. It’s a total waste of time. I did my best and you can’t do better than your best. Do try and stand back and realise that as awful as it sounds, sometimes those closest to us are cruel because they feel safe to be so. They know they can sound off and it’s safe because you will still be there. She was unhappy, that’s why she was unkind.
You sound lovely - you cared in the way you could at the time. You still showed up, still called. The fact you didn’t have a close loving relationship was down to her, not you. Please be proud of yourself, no one can do better (and frankly she was lucky you didn’t estrange yourself from her!). And most importantly- be forward looking .
Your advice is so helpful Philippa, not only for the letter writer but anyone who finds themselves caught up in ruminating over past events and blaming themselves for not somehow being better. The letter writer did the best she could at the time for her mother. As someone who also does this kind of raking over the past and self blame, I want to put this part on the wall and read it regularly:
It's possible that the way your mind returns to those many moments you wish had gone differently is not a sign that you are failing to move on, but that a part of you is still trying to find a different ending. I wonder if, instead of asking yourself to stop these thoughts, you might begin to recognise them as expressions of grief, regret and love, all mixed together. You are not only remembering what happened, you are also responding now with the care and understanding you did not have access to
It doesn't really sound to me that there is much you need to make amends for; you were a dutiful daughter who phoned weekly and visited regularly, even if only for a short time. This is a lot more than many adult children would do for a mother who wasn't even necessarily as difficult as yours!
What I sense more in your letter is an immense retrospective empathy for your mother's difficult life and a sadness that you are unable to communicate to her that you now understand.
You make it clear in your letter that you know there is nothing you can do about this even though you have tried almost every therapy you can find.
I wonder if you can find other avenues to channel your compassion - in your family, at work or in your community? It may be too late to show your mother you understand, but there are plenty of other people / animals / nature that would benefit hugely from your attentive eye and hopefully give you a sense of fulfilment at the same time.
I wonder if your ruminating about your own behaviour is also based on a fantasy that if you'd acted differently, your mother would have been able to love you.
Yes, I agree with Philippa, now that your Mum is not there, sulking, being moody or angry, depressed and accepting her victim status without any effort to help herself - She could have joined some clubs, found some friends, worked, etc, etc - it’s easy for you to think you had control.
Anyway, I’m commenting because I’m reading a great book at the moment called ‘I’m glad my Mom died’ and it’s a memoir of a woman who’s Mother had many issues. You might enjoy it and I’m sure you will recognise many parts of story. Manipulation, hoarding, control through moods….
One other thing just occurred to me… are you around the age where you might be menopausal? I am, and in the last few years I have been remembering sad, bad, traumatic things that really I had almost never thought about before. I have decided that this must be something to do with my hormones as I have not been stressed, upset or filled with regret about them before and now I am. So when they come up, I often have to have a word with myself. It’s usually when I’m alone, and often when driving (as often the only time I’m alone!) and I shake my head, and say out loud ‘No, Stop thinking like that - it’s in the past, it doesn’t matter, I am a good person living a good life’ and then I play a song I know all the words to at high volume and sing along!!!
Sorry, this sounds a bit flippant but it works for me, and I’m hoping when my hormones eventually settle, that these intrusive regret-filled thoughts that can do me no good whatsoever will go back where they came from!
I can tell you don’t want to waste any more of your time and life thinking about these negative things and I hope you manage it. Take care X
I just want to add that singing along to a song in the car at high volume is exactly what I do too and it works a treat! I’d recommend it to anyone.
Totally agree :)
Hello lovely letter writer. Fellow traveller here, about the same age, similar trodden path.
Firstly, what a fantastic job you have done by writing to Philippa. Words of great wisdom as a response, which you can absorb and work on. I’ll add my penneth.
You did your absolute best at the time and in the circumstances. Read that again. And again. And again. Repeat it over and over. Because you did. The adult ‘you’ needs to reassure the younger ‘you ‘ with love, care and compassion. Grieve for what you did not have; it’s hard and remains hard in a world where ‘Mother’s Day’ is a thing , and mother’s are supposed to be this or that. As an adult, understand that your mother was an adult making her own life and managing her own response to circumstances. As a child, you could not rescue her, nor can you as an adult. Her upbringing was her upbringing; she did not have to inflict the consequences of it onto you.
You did your absolute best at the time and in the circumstances. I may not feel like that, but you did.
I send you love and care as you work on healing the consequences of your mother’s actions that you are dealing with.
I found this very moving. I am 61, an only child and had a similar relationship with my (divorced) mum who died 6 years ago. What has helped me is to view Mum and me not as a tight unit to the exclusion of all others, although it often felt that we were. Instead I have tried to view her as an entity in herself, with others - me, her friends - orbiting around her, all trying to manage her in our various ways.
Many of her friendships imploded. There were rows and fall-outs. There was a relationship with a local man in our small town which I wasn't even aware of until after Mum had died. We were all doing our best - including Mum as she had her struggles. It's extremely hard but as a daughter you can only do what you can do, and it sounds as if you did a lot and really cared above and beyond.
You are a 62 year old woman judging your much younger self. You are a daughter who did her best. Is it guilt you are feeling because you think you could have saved your mum or is it guilt because you are furious she didn’t save herself? Is it your guilt to carry or hers?Guilt is something we feel when we’ve done something wrong. I think it sounds like you did what you could to save yourself that is all that is in our power. I hope you can find a way to let go of your harsh self judgements and love yourself gently.
I want to thank the writer for writing this. I have nothing to add to Philippa’s excellent advice, but it’s reminded me to be more careful to try to make sure my children don’t feel this way when they are in their 60s. I’d rather they were angry! LW, if your mother was alive, healthy and (somehow) able to be happy now, what would she want for you?
That’s a good point, I think, about being angry. Shift the feelings from inward to outward. I bet anger was never allowed. The whale music made me smile a bit, I think you have been calmly accepting of a miserable situation, you sound like you could teach us all about that!
You sound extremely loving and patient towards people who pushed you to your limits, your father allowed it as much as your mother. You could be glad of the massive success of not turning into either of them. The guilt is not useful, treat it like an unwanted visitor. Not today, thank you.
Your mother sounds like an incredibly difficult woman and yet you continued to call her regularly, help her financially, visit her and love her. You sometimes cut visits short because your instinct to try to help her with her hoarding caused her irritation and caused friction between you but you continued to visit because you are a kind person. She was so lucky to have you to care for her. You were a wonderful daughter.
Beautiful letter full of compassion and desire for balance and healing. We live in the circles of life ecosystems and when they become out of balance and unhealthy it is a complex predicament to bring back into balance. We see this across our precious living biome hurtling through space seemingly alone in the universe. Being connected and practicing love and kindness for ourselves and others starts the process. Caring about our ancestors as well as our descendants is vital in the journey of ensuring generational trauma does not get passed on.
My mother is nearing the end of her journey and I have put time, thought and energy into healing my relationship with her and I am so glad I did because I hope I will be in acceptance, gratitude and love for her when the time comes. And my journey has I know helped heal other relationships in our family.
From the sounds of it you did a great job of staying in communication and doing some of this work even if you did not feel you completed the journey.
I know that you can continue that journey with other relationships in your life. Not just the one with your mother. You can do some more healing beyond her mortal presence in your life by speaking to her or composing her a letter. What can you take responsibility for? What did you love about her and are proud to bring with you into your life? What lessons have you learned from the ways she did and did not thrive? If your dad is still alive can you read him this letter? Talk to him about this journey you are on?
In order to transform the huge catastrophes being revealed across our precious globe right now we have to accept everything that has happened so far and be ok with it. It has happened and cannot be changed.
Even though it is hard to bear.
At the same time be in action about how to move ourselves, our loved ones and the wider community towards a healthier more resilient future.
This starts with being ok with your relationship with your mum and that you did your best. You will go mad if you live in regrets and shoulda woulda coulda land. What relationships that are still alive can you transform with the compassion for your mum expressed in this letter at the back of your mind. Good luck and be proud that you are growing into a wise elder yourself 🍀
Thank you Deborah. What a wide and wise persepective you have offered us here. 💞💞
I recently read an essay by Rachel Cusk called ‘Coventry’ and it might help you to do the same. It explores the act of sending somebody to that space (ie ignoring them intentionally) and is in a collection of the same title.
It’s not your fault your mother was miserable and it sounds like you were a really good daughter to her. I hope you manage to find some inner peace because you deserve it.