I’ve struggled with a similar relationship with my sister, she was the one favoured by our emotionally immature mother and they have a long history of enmeshment. I have always been cast as the black sheep, as my mother finds it easier to do that than to face her own feelings of discomfort and shame. I have sought therapy and have tried to build a more emotionally conscious, connected life. I haven’t been able to repair the relationship with my sister and am coming to terms that it may always be like this and I will probably always be the black sheep to them. I feel your pain.
They do seem linked don’t they. I find all the different comments so interesting and helpful, lots of different ways of looking at things, but as you say there’s an element of acceptance x
"It’s true that my relationships with all my immediate family have been problematic and in some ways will always be."
I've no idea what this simple sentence may encapsulate, but would offer one way of understanding it: sometimes - not always - people who go to therapy find themselves weirdly forced to address ancestral repetitions.
This isn't woo woo, it's patterns of relating that are naturally passed down. That's how families are supposed to function. And this seems to be a family that considers seeking therapy to be a fundamental betrayal of family secrets.
Partly being scapegoated, partly requiring massive amounts of fuel and engineering to reach escape velocity, this can be extremely painful, bewildering, and exhausting. Is it worth it? Often. Often, barely. And it happens so often that it seems to be part of the human condition.
Death and funerals routinely bring out the very worst in people, including ourselves. I recently threw a £4.5k half hour party for my husbands friends to perform sentimental nonsense about their oh so close relationship with him. He died after 6 weeks in hospital when not one of them visited him, and lifetimes of dysfunctional dramas. Our daughter and I didn't go to the funeral. I learned long ago to avoid drama, to protect my peace, to stop waiting for things to get better. I ask, "Do I know the difference between isolation and solitude?" "How much do I care what this group of people think of me? Why?" "What's the cost/benefit analysis?"
Believe people when they keep saying brutal, cruel things.
Often, when we want a relationship to work, we'll cling onto a fantasy version of what that relationship can look like - the family meals where we reminisce about the past, bathed in a golden light, and make plans for spending more time together in future. Except, that requires all actors to buy into that fantasy, which isn't the case here. The LWs younger sister doesn't need it. She has possibly chosen her own tribe with whom she feels comfortable, and safe. I agree with Philippa that the LW needs to reframe her view of the situation and accept that what she needs from a relationship with her sister, doesn't align with her sister's needs, and there is nothing else that she can do to bridge that gap but accept it.
This is a wonderfully measured response to an incredibly painful situation. You have captured the difficult truth that we cannot force a reconciliation when the other person relies on their grievance for their own sense of identity. By suggesting that the sister's hostility may provide her with a necessary coherence, you offer the writer a way to stop taking the rejection so personally. It is a powerful reminder that while repair requires two people to be willing, finding a sense of peace only requires the work of one. This shift from seeking repair to accepting limits is perhaps the most compassionate path available.
Two of the younger sister’s views seem unreasonable. It is hardly one child’s fault if they appear to be favoured, and the younger sister ought to consider the parents’ role there. Secondly having ‘therapy’ and talking in professional confidence is hardly the sort of gossiping which might be accused of disloyalty.
Not that pointing any of this out would likely endear the writer to her sister!
Ah the sibling rivalry. As one of 10 children, I don't have any close bonds with any of my siblings. I used to but I would describe that as a conditional social connection when we treated life with frivolity. With ageing, our differences and lack of not knowing each other as adults has estranged us. A book I read years ago (2015) by an Australian psychologist who lived and worked in England called Dorothy Rowe that made so much sense to me at the time, titled My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Friend - Making and Breaking Sibling Bonds. I now see the same pattern within the next generation of the nieces and nephews.
Will look that book up. I have one full and 2 half-siblings. We get on OK but hardly see each other, so..... I'm mentally preparing myself for what could be challenging times when my dad goes.
I have finally achieved true connection with him, one of the highest ambitions of my life. But I know in my bones that each of us will bring our own stories to the table on that day of reckoning. As the eldest, I will need to park my own ego and be aware that they might not do the same. But I will have that precious connection with my dad to hold onto and keep me warm.
Yes, my family tree has incompatible sisters in every generation, which is intriguing and depressing in equal measure. One of my nieces has had two daughters whose relationship I shall watch with interest as they grow. Although it's taken me decades (and the loss of my mother, father and interim brother to me and my sister) to finally recognise this unfortunate family trait, in some ways I feel I'm going out of the treadmill by simply recognising the origins and privately exploring the reasons. Dorothy Rowe's excellent book really helped me in my understanding.
Generations do what generations are taught; what they see, they do. If the 'adults' are not having healthy relationships, displaying how to reconcile differences or resolve them, then how will the next generation learn?
I lent that book to my sister a couple of years ago. After her not reading it and some heated engagements, she suggested we ‘work through it together chapter by chapter’. Although that feels like homework to me, I agreed but haven’t heard her follow it up. I see it as a project but I’m not optimistic that it will change anything.
Any change a human makes has to come from them. My observation of sibling differences is unless they have therapy to realise their inner child is in control instead of an adult, they then struggle to understand themselves or me, let alone evolve and be vulnerable for better relationships. I completely understand the desire to keep trying to connect with them, as I have over the years. They appear to lack a sense of self, a fear of looking into who they are. I really liked Philippa's advice and it takes maturity from both sides. The world is full of adult bodies controlled by their undeveloped inner child. I can only wish them well and be there if they really want to talk.
I think there is great societal pressure to have close family bonds, and if you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. But sometimes people just don’t get along. I have a brother but he distanced himself (emotionally and geographically) from our family many years ago. When I met up with him when my mum died, he expressed a narrative of total victimhood that didn’t at all coincide with my understanding of things. It is how it is, we talked, but we’ll never be close, we’ve never been close, we send texts at Xmas and birthdays and actually, that’s ok. I got so used to not really ‘having a brother,’ I’m really ambivalent about it all now. Acceptance is a weight off.
This sounds painful. People can change though. Your sister said the hurtful words about not wanting you to be part of any family holiday, about you betraying your family by going to therapy, whilst your father was dying (if I have read that correctly). She may have been in the depths of grief then. You share your sister feels you were favoured, maybe she feels you used this to your advantage and then bullied her. She sounds in pain, resentful and very angry. Maybe this is clutching at straws, I’ve found when people do not care, they have moved past anger into silence/disinterest and don’t communicate. The fact she explodes at you shows there is deep emotion there. I’m curious also how your parents dealt with this dynamic too - where were they in helping you and your sister reconcile. You said that all of your dealings and family relations were problematic - as PP said, you mah be a disruptor for her belief in a family truth. Disowning you may be the easier or logical route for her rather than to review the past, as PP said. I like PP’s insight as ever & also do wonder whether you apologising, acknowledging in a different way her feelings, whether this may unlock something. Whatever happens the two of you are related, you are siblings and I feel your grief at the loss of a relationship. I hope you find peace.
Perhaps writing down what your sister has claimed in detail and thinking about it from her perspective will give you a better sense of her patterns. If you feel that she is justified in some of her claims take responsibility for it. No need for grand gestures here, just quietly and sincerely ask for forgiveness. Everything is energy and when you change the energy around this subject of your sister from who’s right and who’s wrong, into I accept my part in this grievance, you will be amazed at the changes. Don’t look for overnight movement, it’s been tangled up for too long, but gently and slowly keep letting go your need to fix it. Look up the Ho’oponopono story and prayer. I’ve used it many times in my own life challenges, it works. Good luck to you and your sister.
Choosing how much space the BPD son I’ve estranged myself from this past year is hard but necessary. The important thing in estrangement is not to believe you have control over their actions - eg just because I unblock him or text him, it doesn’t mean it will yield a positive outcome.
Coming to grips with my decision to choose my mental and emotional health over false hope that my son will change is against everything I am as a mom. But necessary to my survival.
Total class, Philippa. An illuminating ray of light to cut through this emotionally murky situation. I sincerely hope that your advice helps the LW to move forward with serenity. Peace and love.
The account begs the questions: why do you want to engage and is there such a thing as a shared familial history in this family? Do you feel a sense of shame at the absence of what you see as a sufficient sibling relationship (there's a hint of this in the concern about a funeral)? Or do you want to be 'right'?
I feel Philippa's suggestion of entering into your sister's story is important (although I would agree that it may well not be an open sesame to the sunlit uplands of sibling cosiness you desire) When someone says they were bullied, they are describing how they felt, not how you might have meant whatever they feel you did or didn't do. It is obviously unfair to blame you for your parents' behaviour (but probably feels emotionally safer for her to do that) although sometimes parents have been manipulated or pressured, perhaps in ways it is painful to admit. Your sister's rage may be what is keeping her warm and she may not want to let go of that (one senses the satisfaction she may get from her extreme language), she might even scent weakness if you acknowledge any legitimacy to her feelings and attack even more.
Sitting with uncertainty and sadness and perhaps injustice is hard. This isn't an issue that necessarily takes centre stage in your day to day life. You can probably do more to reduce the pain and the impact by ensuring the rest of your life works. It could even be that without a sense of pressure for healing from you that your sister will herself feel less defensive and some of the barriers will come down.
I've been to two funerals in recent years where there were big rifts between the bereaved adult children. Everyone behaved themselves on the day.
I suppose you could try to look at it purely from your sister's view --- using a "fear based" look. What does your sister fear from having a relationship with you? Does she fear being re-bullied? Does she fear emotional harm? Does she fear, as Philippa writes - a re-writing of narrative that threatens her sense of identity?
I get the feeling you think she is doling out punishment --- and that might also be true. It might also be fair or unfair. The examples you state as to your sister's fury - a couple definitely seem irrational: your parents favouring you is not your fault, going to therapy is not your fault. But are there other ways you made things uncomfortable within the family that have left her resentful? You want a pleasant relationship and she seems too angry with you to give it to you. How much of that anger is justified and how much unjustified?
I think all siblings benefit from a close relationship if it is based on unconditional love and support --- but can you get there? Do you want to get there or do you just want a less hostile environment because you think you have paid your dues now .... It is all so tricky!!! I wish you the very best in navigating this and hope you have a wonderful outcome. Stranger things have happened!
Thank you. I love that this column offers us all therapy, both from the articles, the responses and the comments. I agree with you Philippa that acknowledging hurt is very important, even if it’s not as you remember things. My childhood was an Enid Blyton Stephen King hybrid and I think I and my four siblings (a mix of long term fostered and natural, pretty much all the same age) all have our own narratives. Choosing to forgive and forget has been a massive part in being able to move on. The writer could let her sister know she’s there if she ever has a crisis. My brother was my tormentor. When his marriage broke down he was catatonic with fear & grief, so we offered him a home. After the initial triggering (his voice continually in my head; which thankfully went away when I recognised it for what it was) I felt it was cathartic for us both; I could see the terrified toddler who had been abandoned, and was able to understand his childhood behaviour towards me. He discovered that his family was there for him when he needed it.
A really kind and compassionate and thoughtful and so forgiving response. There’s always a reason why we act as we do, compassion is key, yet it can be do difficult.
Enid Blyton/Stephen King! You a child of the 60s by any chance?! I think they both wrote their own particular kind of horror stories. I escaped family dysfunction into the world of the Famous Five, where everything ended nice and tidy....unless....Uncle Quentin, Aunt Fanny and George. That's a "whole nother story" ;-)
I’m more a child of the 70s & 80s, but when things were tough I dreamed of Mallory Towers & going away to boarding school. The Stephen King Enid Blyton is more of an analogy of how life was at times spectacular (as a farm child the freedom to roam through fields & explore wild places from a very young age) and at times brutal. I was lucky to be bought up in a house with lots of books (& no TV) but along with poetry (Charles Causley, Spike Milligan & Ted Hughes; I loved the drama of Crow.) I mostly binged on a mixture of some excellent and some deeply unsuitable literature; James Herbert was a bit of a favourite, as was Roald Dahl. (Such a fabulous storyteller). Sharing Great Uncle Oswald with school friends gave a certain kudos. However whoever set Susan Hill’s I’m the King of the Castle as a school text clearly had no empathy as to what it might be like to study the situation you were living through. That was painful.
I wonder what the - presumably still alive - mother's role has been in all this. Condoning or tacitly accepting? Encouraging, for dysfunctional reasons of her own? Is there an untold back story here?
I do think, alas, that some things are not mendable - and that a lot of pain and energy can be avoided if you recognise which relationships can, and which can't, be reapired. I hve had to come to the painful decision that two of mine would cost me too much pain to repair (one family, one not), and I have had to let them go. I feel better for it. It's not that I feel I was right: but that as you get older, you have to husband your emotional energies. Something I regret very much was when I retrieved a "broken" friednship recently. I am not comfortable with the person any more, and I cannot trust them or be at ease with them. Inall relatnioshiops, you have to feel that the other person has "got your back", as it were,and that they'd answer the "2 AM call" from you if you were in total dire straits. If not, leave it. It's not rubbish, or for the charity shop: but it's a web of emotional discomfort which you cannot afford. PLenty of other people will want your love: save it for them instead
I’ve struggled with a similar relationship with my sister, she was the one favoured by our emotionally immature mother and they have a long history of enmeshment. I have always been cast as the black sheep, as my mother finds it easier to do that than to face her own feelings of discomfort and shame. I have sought therapy and have tried to build a more emotionally conscious, connected life. I haven’t been able to repair the relationship with my sister and am coming to terms that it may always be like this and I will probably always be the black sheep to them. I feel your pain.
Same here, this and the most recent letter resonate a lot! There is a lot of unsolved grief which I'm learning to just "let be". x
They do seem linked don’t they. I find all the different comments so interesting and helpful, lots of different ways of looking at things, but as you say there’s an element of acceptance x
"It’s true that my relationships with all my immediate family have been problematic and in some ways will always be."
I've no idea what this simple sentence may encapsulate, but would offer one way of understanding it: sometimes - not always - people who go to therapy find themselves weirdly forced to address ancestral repetitions.
This isn't woo woo, it's patterns of relating that are naturally passed down. That's how families are supposed to function. And this seems to be a family that considers seeking therapy to be a fundamental betrayal of family secrets.
Partly being scapegoated, partly requiring massive amounts of fuel and engineering to reach escape velocity, this can be extremely painful, bewildering, and exhausting. Is it worth it? Often. Often, barely. And it happens so often that it seems to be part of the human condition.
Death and funerals routinely bring out the very worst in people, including ourselves. I recently threw a £4.5k half hour party for my husbands friends to perform sentimental nonsense about their oh so close relationship with him. He died after 6 weeks in hospital when not one of them visited him, and lifetimes of dysfunctional dramas. Our daughter and I didn't go to the funeral. I learned long ago to avoid drama, to protect my peace, to stop waiting for things to get better. I ask, "Do I know the difference between isolation and solitude?" "How much do I care what this group of people think of me? Why?" "What's the cost/benefit analysis?"
Believe people when they keep saying brutal, cruel things.
“Death and funerals routinely bring out the very worst in people”… I’d add weddings, too!
I like your concept of 'escape velocity', and considering the process of achieving it.
I'll find that image useful, in various processes in my life. Thank you.
SOOO painful. But yes, the only drama you need in your life is the one for which you wrote the script for yourself. Then made the hit movie of it ;-)
Often, when we want a relationship to work, we'll cling onto a fantasy version of what that relationship can look like - the family meals where we reminisce about the past, bathed in a golden light, and make plans for spending more time together in future. Except, that requires all actors to buy into that fantasy, which isn't the case here. The LWs younger sister doesn't need it. She has possibly chosen her own tribe with whom she feels comfortable, and safe. I agree with Philippa that the LW needs to reframe her view of the situation and accept that what she needs from a relationship with her sister, doesn't align with her sister's needs, and there is nothing else that she can do to bridge that gap but accept it.
...and Philippa has said b4: if you're going to have a fantasy, make it a good one!
This is a wonderfully measured response to an incredibly painful situation. You have captured the difficult truth that we cannot force a reconciliation when the other person relies on their grievance for their own sense of identity. By suggesting that the sister's hostility may provide her with a necessary coherence, you offer the writer a way to stop taking the rejection so personally. It is a powerful reminder that while repair requires two people to be willing, finding a sense of peace only requires the work of one. This shift from seeking repair to accepting limits is perhaps the most compassionate path available.
Yes, wise words
Two of the younger sister’s views seem unreasonable. It is hardly one child’s fault if they appear to be favoured, and the younger sister ought to consider the parents’ role there. Secondly having ‘therapy’ and talking in professional confidence is hardly the sort of gossiping which might be accused of disloyalty.
Not that pointing any of this out would likely endear the writer to her sister!
I agree but also think that maybe the writer should not have mentioned having therapy as it seems to have given her sister a stick to beat her wit!
Ah the sibling rivalry. As one of 10 children, I don't have any close bonds with any of my siblings. I used to but I would describe that as a conditional social connection when we treated life with frivolity. With ageing, our differences and lack of not knowing each other as adults has estranged us. A book I read years ago (2015) by an Australian psychologist who lived and worked in England called Dorothy Rowe that made so much sense to me at the time, titled My Dearest Enemy, My Dangerous Friend - Making and Breaking Sibling Bonds. I now see the same pattern within the next generation of the nieces and nephews.
Will look that book up. I have one full and 2 half-siblings. We get on OK but hardly see each other, so..... I'm mentally preparing myself for what could be challenging times when my dad goes.
I have finally achieved true connection with him, one of the highest ambitions of my life. But I know in my bones that each of us will bring our own stories to the table on that day of reckoning. As the eldest, I will need to park my own ego and be aware that they might not do the same. But I will have that precious connection with my dad to hold onto and keep me warm.
Thanks, I’ll have to read that book! I once heard Dorothy Rowe give a talk, she was very wise.
I found her to be a wise person too.
Yes, my family tree has incompatible sisters in every generation, which is intriguing and depressing in equal measure. One of my nieces has had two daughters whose relationship I shall watch with interest as they grow. Although it's taken me decades (and the loss of my mother, father and interim brother to me and my sister) to finally recognise this unfortunate family trait, in some ways I feel I'm going out of the treadmill by simply recognising the origins and privately exploring the reasons. Dorothy Rowe's excellent book really helped me in my understanding.
Generations do what generations are taught; what they see, they do. If the 'adults' are not having healthy relationships, displaying how to reconcile differences or resolve them, then how will the next generation learn?
I lent that book to my sister a couple of years ago. After her not reading it and some heated engagements, she suggested we ‘work through it together chapter by chapter’. Although that feels like homework to me, I agreed but haven’t heard her follow it up. I see it as a project but I’m not optimistic that it will change anything.
Any change a human makes has to come from them. My observation of sibling differences is unless they have therapy to realise their inner child is in control instead of an adult, they then struggle to understand themselves or me, let alone evolve and be vulnerable for better relationships. I completely understand the desire to keep trying to connect with them, as I have over the years. They appear to lack a sense of self, a fear of looking into who they are. I really liked Philippa's advice and it takes maturity from both sides. The world is full of adult bodies controlled by their undeveloped inner child. I can only wish them well and be there if they really want to talk.
Lovely comment. thank you.
I think there is great societal pressure to have close family bonds, and if you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. But sometimes people just don’t get along. I have a brother but he distanced himself (emotionally and geographically) from our family many years ago. When I met up with him when my mum died, he expressed a narrative of total victimhood that didn’t at all coincide with my understanding of things. It is how it is, we talked, but we’ll never be close, we’ve never been close, we send texts at Xmas and birthdays and actually, that’s ok. I got so used to not really ‘having a brother,’ I’m really ambivalent about it all now. Acceptance is a weight off.
This sounds painful. People can change though. Your sister said the hurtful words about not wanting you to be part of any family holiday, about you betraying your family by going to therapy, whilst your father was dying (if I have read that correctly). She may have been in the depths of grief then. You share your sister feels you were favoured, maybe she feels you used this to your advantage and then bullied her. She sounds in pain, resentful and very angry. Maybe this is clutching at straws, I’ve found when people do not care, they have moved past anger into silence/disinterest and don’t communicate. The fact she explodes at you shows there is deep emotion there. I’m curious also how your parents dealt with this dynamic too - where were they in helping you and your sister reconcile. You said that all of your dealings and family relations were problematic - as PP said, you mah be a disruptor for her belief in a family truth. Disowning you may be the easier or logical route for her rather than to review the past, as PP said. I like PP’s insight as ever & also do wonder whether you apologising, acknowledging in a different way her feelings, whether this may unlock something. Whatever happens the two of you are related, you are siblings and I feel your grief at the loss of a relationship. I hope you find peace.
Perhaps writing down what your sister has claimed in detail and thinking about it from her perspective will give you a better sense of her patterns. If you feel that she is justified in some of her claims take responsibility for it. No need for grand gestures here, just quietly and sincerely ask for forgiveness. Everything is energy and when you change the energy around this subject of your sister from who’s right and who’s wrong, into I accept my part in this grievance, you will be amazed at the changes. Don’t look for overnight movement, it’s been tangled up for too long, but gently and slowly keep letting go your need to fix it. Look up the Ho’oponopono story and prayer. I’ve used it many times in my own life challenges, it works. Good luck to you and your sister.
Choosing how much space the BPD son I’ve estranged myself from this past year is hard but necessary. The important thing in estrangement is not to believe you have control over their actions - eg just because I unblock him or text him, it doesn’t mean it will yield a positive outcome.
Coming to grips with my decision to choose my mental and emotional health over false hope that my son will change is against everything I am as a mom. But necessary to my survival.
Total class, Philippa. An illuminating ray of light to cut through this emotionally murky situation. I sincerely hope that your advice helps the LW to move forward with serenity. Peace and love.
I very much like Philippa's analysis.
The account begs the questions: why do you want to engage and is there such a thing as a shared familial history in this family? Do you feel a sense of shame at the absence of what you see as a sufficient sibling relationship (there's a hint of this in the concern about a funeral)? Or do you want to be 'right'?
I feel Philippa's suggestion of entering into your sister's story is important (although I would agree that it may well not be an open sesame to the sunlit uplands of sibling cosiness you desire) When someone says they were bullied, they are describing how they felt, not how you might have meant whatever they feel you did or didn't do. It is obviously unfair to blame you for your parents' behaviour (but probably feels emotionally safer for her to do that) although sometimes parents have been manipulated or pressured, perhaps in ways it is painful to admit. Your sister's rage may be what is keeping her warm and she may not want to let go of that (one senses the satisfaction she may get from her extreme language), she might even scent weakness if you acknowledge any legitimacy to her feelings and attack even more.
Sitting with uncertainty and sadness and perhaps injustice is hard. This isn't an issue that necessarily takes centre stage in your day to day life. You can probably do more to reduce the pain and the impact by ensuring the rest of your life works. It could even be that without a sense of pressure for healing from you that your sister will herself feel less defensive and some of the barriers will come down.
I've been to two funerals in recent years where there were big rifts between the bereaved adult children. Everyone behaved themselves on the day.
I suppose you could try to look at it purely from your sister's view --- using a "fear based" look. What does your sister fear from having a relationship with you? Does she fear being re-bullied? Does she fear emotional harm? Does she fear, as Philippa writes - a re-writing of narrative that threatens her sense of identity?
I get the feeling you think she is doling out punishment --- and that might also be true. It might also be fair or unfair. The examples you state as to your sister's fury - a couple definitely seem irrational: your parents favouring you is not your fault, going to therapy is not your fault. But are there other ways you made things uncomfortable within the family that have left her resentful? You want a pleasant relationship and she seems too angry with you to give it to you. How much of that anger is justified and how much unjustified?
I think all siblings benefit from a close relationship if it is based on unconditional love and support --- but can you get there? Do you want to get there or do you just want a less hostile environment because you think you have paid your dues now .... It is all so tricky!!! I wish you the very best in navigating this and hope you have a wonderful outcome. Stranger things have happened!
Thank you. I love that this column offers us all therapy, both from the articles, the responses and the comments. I agree with you Philippa that acknowledging hurt is very important, even if it’s not as you remember things. My childhood was an Enid Blyton Stephen King hybrid and I think I and my four siblings (a mix of long term fostered and natural, pretty much all the same age) all have our own narratives. Choosing to forgive and forget has been a massive part in being able to move on. The writer could let her sister know she’s there if she ever has a crisis. My brother was my tormentor. When his marriage broke down he was catatonic with fear & grief, so we offered him a home. After the initial triggering (his voice continually in my head; which thankfully went away when I recognised it for what it was) I felt it was cathartic for us both; I could see the terrified toddler who had been abandoned, and was able to understand his childhood behaviour towards me. He discovered that his family was there for him when he needed it.
A really kind and compassionate and thoughtful and so forgiving response. There’s always a reason why we act as we do, compassion is key, yet it can be do difficult.
Thank you. I agree. Compassion is essential. And so much easier to live with than anger and resentment.
Enid Blyton/Stephen King! You a child of the 60s by any chance?! I think they both wrote their own particular kind of horror stories. I escaped family dysfunction into the world of the Famous Five, where everything ended nice and tidy....unless....Uncle Quentin, Aunt Fanny and George. That's a "whole nother story" ;-)
I’m more a child of the 70s & 80s, but when things were tough I dreamed of Mallory Towers & going away to boarding school. The Stephen King Enid Blyton is more of an analogy of how life was at times spectacular (as a farm child the freedom to roam through fields & explore wild places from a very young age) and at times brutal. I was lucky to be bought up in a house with lots of books (& no TV) but along with poetry (Charles Causley, Spike Milligan & Ted Hughes; I loved the drama of Crow.) I mostly binged on a mixture of some excellent and some deeply unsuitable literature; James Herbert was a bit of a favourite, as was Roald Dahl. (Such a fabulous storyteller). Sharing Great Uncle Oswald with school friends gave a certain kudos. However whoever set Susan Hill’s I’m the King of the Castle as a school text clearly had no empathy as to what it might be like to study the situation you were living through. That was painful.
Ah, Roald Dahl, master of the short (adult/horror) story. Will never forget Royal Jelly, Lamb to the Slaughter et al!
I wonder what the - presumably still alive - mother's role has been in all this. Condoning or tacitly accepting? Encouraging, for dysfunctional reasons of her own? Is there an untold back story here?
I do think, alas, that some things are not mendable - and that a lot of pain and energy can be avoided if you recognise which relationships can, and which can't, be reapired. I hve had to come to the painful decision that two of mine would cost me too much pain to repair (one family, one not), and I have had to let them go. I feel better for it. It's not that I feel I was right: but that as you get older, you have to husband your emotional energies. Something I regret very much was when I retrieved a "broken" friednship recently. I am not comfortable with the person any more, and I cannot trust them or be at ease with them. Inall relatnioshiops, you have to feel that the other person has "got your back", as it were,and that they'd answer the "2 AM call" from you if you were in total dire straits. If not, leave it. It's not rubbish, or for the charity shop: but it's a web of emotional discomfort which you cannot afford. PLenty of other people will want your love: save it for them instead