I know a few women who made a move in their 40s and one who changed her religion twice and her name. I’m not sure she found what she was looking for as she still took herself with her.
Like you, I focussed on family and home for 20 years, felt trapped and craved adventure. I’d always wanted to spend some time living abroad, and it grated deeply when my husband started working abroad and I was left home alone with the kids half the time. When do I get to have my adventure?
So I went back to uni, got a postgrad degree in psychology and a new career which was really satisfying. And simultaneously I started going on hiking adventures alone or with a friend - I walked the Pennine Way with a backpack and tiny tent to celebrate its 50th anniversary and my 50th birthday. And I trained as a DofE leader, enabling young people to develop their adventure skills.
Could there be ways to incorporate challenge, exploration and adventure into your life? You are more than a homemaker, wife and mother. Let these other parts of you flourish and maybe the frustration will dissipate.
I remember someone once said to me that broodiness can be a sign that you need to find a creative outlet, not have more children. Maybe restlessness is a sign that you need more challenges, not a new home.
PS I did end up living abroad (after leaving that husband). It’s given me an enormous house renovation project which is great fun, but a big gap in my social and friendship needs and the challenges of doing admin in a different language. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up moving back to the UK in a few years! Moral of the story, there isn’t a perfect place to live and moving just creates different problems.
I came on to say something like the above - it feels like creativity or adventure are needed but can be found in “pockets” which are less risky than making a big decision. Joining a group of like-minded people - maybe in the next town or bigger place nearby - to do something that you enjoy may feel like it’s opening your world up. I wonder if the need for adventure is more about place or people? Is there a way you can find your people closer to home? Also I think your husband’s suggestions (the ones you find appealing - don’t do the ones you don’t eg rent out the house) show he has a flicker of something that could lead to fun experiences. I’m sorry you didn’t have your parents through such a significant period of your life. The part of Philippa’s response that tweaked my tear ducts was whether seeking adventure was a way for you becoming close to your parents. I think there’s something in this. My mum was deeply kind and self-effacing, and I find the opposite values/characteristics in others more challenging now she is no longer here. I think there’s something in leaning in to those values that are your legacy from your parents, but maybe noting that the opposite may be triggering. All the best to you x
I can’t leave my town until my daughter turns 18 because my ex would (and has) gone to court to stop me.
My daughter is 13 now and we moved here when she was 3. So I have been ‘trapped’ here a long time.
It has felt very unfair to me at times that someone has been able to ‘steal’ 18 years of my life because I had his child. He, of course, is free to move where he likes as he is not the resident parent.
Because I’ve felt trapped here, I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming of this other life I will take off and live the day my daughter turns 18, but as that date gets closer I realise that it won’t be that easy because this has been her home town, she has a huge amount of friends here and will always feel a connection with the place even if I don’t.
But I also have in the back of my mind a thought that when she does turn 18, I might for the first time choose this town myself — that perhaps it’s only because it’s a decision that has been forced on me that I resent it.
Perhaps that also resonates for the person who wrote the letter.
This is so wise - and so exciting - to be able to choose for yourself what you already have! To really embrace what you have* (even if it’s not really what you [think you] would choose) and find your own self there… so freeing.
*Obviously lots of caveats about circumstances and relationships that are damaging and should *not* be embraced…
This dilemma strikes a chord as my childhood was nomadic and those longings re emerged strongly once my children had grown up. And although the writer has so much that sounds wonderful in her life, her understanding partner and some good options, that perhaps makes it harder to bring about the radical change she craves . So many of us put our longings on hold whilst raising our children. Then there’s a feeling of liberation when those children need us less. And at last we can move into this exciting new chapter and find those lost parts of ourselves. Sometimes these dreams have become such a part of us that we will never satisfy them as it’s the dreams that keep us going and weren’t actually there to be satisfied but part of our inner dreamscape. This writer has so much insight into why she has the feelings but that doesn’t help her dilemma. And it feels like a need to break something to create something new - the sensible half way option of renting the house doesn’t satisfy the need. There’s a need to cut the bonds. She’s fortunate as she doesn’t want to change her husband who sounds lovely. But the house is so loaded with stability however happy, that it won’t release her into this new chapter. But Philippa has seen more than the rest of us where this desire often goes and as usual she can point out the pitfalls so well. My own longings were for travel, but I found my longer trips didn’t actually satisfy me in the way I’d hoped. They never opened out into a new possible life and I’d have an increasing feeling of ‘why am I here’. The fantasy new self didn’t quite emerge and I felt disappointingly the same person. Perhaps that self was me at twenty something - when I could go to New York for the first time and have my head explode with how wonderful it all seemed. But I can never get that self back. I’ve seen one friend leave a not unhappy marriage to chase a dream that she never caught up with, and several friends ‘do a geographical’ as Philippa puts it and then find it hard to make a new life and new friends at this point in our lives. Cities can take years to infiltrate, and it can be a shock how alienating a new place can feel. Particularly when the stability of the old life has gone for good. Renting can let us try out these ideas and is surely best before burning bridges. And taking a course is a great idea. A friend of mine let her home and rented a room in Madrid near an old friend. She took a Spanish course and swapped some English and Spanish conversation - which led to her making friends. Rather than moving away she decided to do this regularly. Another friend bought half a canal boat in east London with a friend. They use it for a London base and found a community of friendly younger boat dwellers that has been fun. It takes a bit of exploration to discover what works but I agree with Philippa that exploring what going on within us is part of that. And Skyros is great for meeting other people who are experiencing these feelings, as it attracts those seekers. Talking to the other people going through these transitional phases is so helpful. It takes time to find a path but could be an enjoyable time of trying things and discovery. She sounds like someone who will work it out and find her way whilst making it work for those she loves.
As someone who spent a lifetime becoming bored and moving (as an adult I was never in the same place for more than 10 years. My parents were the same) - it’s never the location that makes you makes you happy. At least not down to your soul happy. It’s not the exciting new house project either. Visiting and dreaming about a new place is not the same as living and working there. As Philippa said, you’re still taking you, and all your complexities with you.
I don’t know this person’s real personal, work or financial situation, and I feel she’s written about her symptoms, but not the real cause. So I agree - some therapy, or even talking to a good friend who is completely honest and trustworthy. And outlets for her creative streak. Writing is priceless. Not just personal writing about your life, but fiction. Make up stories, have a cast of character dancing around in your head. Write stories for children as well. Ones that you wish you’d read as a child. Paint! Splash colour around on large canvases and hang them in your home. Make your existing house your exciting new house project - learn about interior design. Exciting projects come from inside you, they’re not tied to a specific location. You could live in the most amazing, interesting city in the world and still feel bored and frustrated. I know this, I’ve done it 😏
I did a geographical about 12 months ago but I left the husband behind. It sounds as if you want to keep yours! And I definitely did bring me with the move - that was the point, to be more me in a place with more opportunities to be me. I do get the marrying stability thing too - I did that (and not in a bad way, I needed it for a long time and valued it for the calm place it gave me. We are always saying people need to be a little bored to be creative, after all).
So, given you do want to keep your husband it sounds as if you have a lot of dreaming and talking to do together. You are bored with the idea of being in the same house/place but it doesn’t sound as if any of the adventures have happened yet. It could be once you travel together you are happy to come back to the solid foundations you’ve left - where you know the central heating works and how to find the stopcock. Or it maybe after a year or two of the new hybrid life you still feel cramped coming home - but maybe by then your husband will too.
Such a lovely letter and thoughtful reply. I relocated with an ex, looking for an adventure, and found it was great for a bit and then hard for much longer. I still miss the easy friendships I had in my small town (made via the meetup app actually) and it took a long time to re-establish myself as a "go to" person at work which I didn't realise I would miss so much from my previous job. Now it is nice to live somewhere with more going on but I can't say I spend my life always at the theatre or doing exciting intellectual things. I'm mostly at home. And new house projects are very tiring, I think there are far more interesting things to do creatively. I love the comments on here asking about new careers, training, passions, that you don't have to wait for. Additionally, one thing I wish I'd done when I was a bit frustrated in a small town, is make the effort to travel to the nearest cities more and enjoy what they had to offer, rather than upending my whole life! It worked out in the end but didn't resolve any of the feelings I think we'd secretly hoped it would (and the ex became an ex after just over a year). Travel however, and interesting work, are filling my cup far more than the logistics and expense of moving and renovating ever did. Sending so much luck as you work out which changes to make.
I moved to the UK from Brazil in 2011 with my 11-year-old daughter to join my now-husband. It was supposed to be a sabbatical year, as I left my research group, PhD students and an incredibly safe position behind. Long story short, we stayed in the UK for 12 years; during this time, I reinvented myself a couple of times, building a fairly “dignifying” career while raising our two daughters in his small town.
In 2023, we did a big geographical move - I was headhunted to lead a research centre back in Brazil, and he came with me as “prince consort”. During this time, his depression got worse, he never left the house by himself and did not learn the language. He hates it there and spends long spells in the UK. Needless to say, the burden is on me and in our relationship. Two and a half years down the line, he has just decided to stay in the UK for longer, and I have no option but to support it - he is my husband, and I hate to see him suffer. However, I can’t deny I am devastated and heartbroken, as I feel I have done so much for our family and relationship, but I am also relieved, as home life has been sorrowful.
I am coming back by myself to Brazil in a week - not the Christmas period I had planned, but it is what it is.
TLDR: don’t force your husband to embark on an adventure - you can take the boy from the small town, but you will never take the small town from him!
I really relate to this one, and see myself in some of the comments too. My sons have now left home, and the yearning for the ‘extra space,’ ‘the bigger garden’, and the ‘view of the sky’ I’ve been dreaming about has dissolved. I was yearning outdoor physical space, but now I’ve realised I just needed space to be me again; not the home organiser/maker/full-time parent I’d become over the years. My days have space, freedom and quiet in them, and it took a bit of getting used to, but it’s what I needed all along. I don’t even want a bigger garden now, and I’ve been banging on about that since I bought this house six years ago!
This is so interesting - my eldest will probably be off to uni next year, and so I can see a time when my days have that freedom etc that you talk about. I’ve already started saying things about the bigger garden and the view of the sky that I so desperately ’need’ but I do have an inkling that it won’t be a long term fix in the end. I think it’ll always come down to me, my mindset and my attitude towards my life…
What a lovely letter. I got the feeling the writer realises she has already solved this issue and knows what to do next (which is not to uproot everything). She talks of being someone who thrives on change, yet this seems to have been distanced into an analytic musing ('my family loves change/his don't) rather than triggering personal action. Likewise her career is getting picked up, albeit slowly? and then not mentioned again. The husband seems to be lovely and has conceded to move out of his comfort zone, travel, move somewhere else for a few months - c'mon love, let's get on with it! It's such a lovely, well reasoned letter, and it's just time to crack on. And if it doesn't work, returning to the stodgy old home will be all the sweeter for the context. Would love to know what happens next!
My partner and I moved from the city to a village when we had our first child, it was a lovely place to have a family, but after 20 years I, in particular, wanted to live somewhere else. We flirted with the idea of going back to the City, but have come to a town 20 minutes from previous home. The move has been fantastic, I still see friends from the old place, but can now walk to the cinema/ lots of interesting independent shops and amazing hills. It is a much more suitable house/ town as we get older. The house reno has been brilliant (mostly)
I agree with a lot of the comments about staying put and making changes in other directions, that all sounds really positive, but also once that stifled feeling sets in, its hard to shift.
I just want to say a heart felt thank you to everyone that responded to this post. I am the LW. I am overwhelmed by the response and sorry that I cannot respond to each one, but know that each one has made me think along with Phillipa’s brilliant response. I think my desire to ‘move on’ is actually two separate things at play - the grief I carried for my parents that I never had while raising a family, and the town always belonging to my husband. Somewhere he identifies with, but has carried a ‘never quite belonging’ tag for me. For many years I have made myself small to fit, to belong, to never rock the boat or upset the apple cart in a family system different to my own. I realise how much I have disappeared on so many levels so as not to disappoint others. A fear of letting others down. I am learning as I get older that I can please myself too, and have a freedom of choice.
The other key feeling at play is the genuine feeling of outgrowing a small place that I have always felt misfitted with. I’ve got friends but have never found ‘the tribe’ that others regale and as I have done in previous chapters. I miss this. I know city life is far from perfect, but I do miss the choice aspect of cities. What I do know is that you only exchange problems for other problems when you move. Where ever you move. It isn’t perfect.
Thank you for all the amazing suggestions. From House sitting, pet sitting, travel, courses, re-training. I’m going to take my time and re read all with gratitude. The comment that Michael left ‘does moving create identity tension’ is also an interesting one and resonated deeply.
Thanks Phillipa. It’s given me so much to consider. Wasn’t prepared for such a huge response either. Something that clearly resonates with many. I’m sure the right next path will unfold and decisions will be reached. xx
I’ve moved house many times for all the reasons that the correspondent says, a sense of adventure and new possibilities, not to mention the attraction of selling in London and buying in Brighton (and then further afield) for half the cost. But I’ve always done it alone and I see now that I’ve moved to try and find ‘A New Life’, yet taking myself with me every time. The thrill of change evaporates pretty quickly as you deal with sexist builders and attempt to find your ‘tribe’ in increasingly parochial surroundings. I’ve ended up in a rented house on a sleepy suburban new-build estate where the neighbours keep to themselves and I barely speak to anyone day after day. It’s a small town which has good people in it but I’ve lost my own sense of Home through moving and it really saddens me. Now I wish I’d not left London but the pull of the unknown was too great. My strong advice to this lady is don’t move, improve. She’ll never match the security she has now and Philippa’s suggestions are spot on.
It's so true that we take our problems with us: I had a friend who, during the course of the time we knew each other, moved house eleven times in that elusive attempt to solve all her emotional problems. Of course it didn't.
She's done the child rearing, she's loyal to her marriage, but what now? Let's be frank: small town life can be stifling. What strikes me here is that the LW has not found her 'tribe' in this place, that is, the people who share her views, interests and values and where she feels emotionally 'at home'. I'd suggest that's where she might put her effort. It might be in getting her career going again, joining a walking group or book club, getting into the nearest city more frequently, who knows? But it will be about the people, not the place.
I was very nomadic in my 20s & 30s, always searching for where I belonged. What I learned (slowly and painfully) is that belonging often comes from staying - staying long enough to put down roots, build community, and create a full, meaningful, simple life.
As I turn 40, I’m finally understanding that belonging isn’t just about a house or a place, it lives within me. I’ve one more big geographical move ahead in 2026, but this time it feels different. It feels like choosing where I can stay.
It sounds like you’ve found that kind of rootedness already - a safe harbour from which you can spring into adventure, joy, curiosity, and creativity. What a gift, and what a glorious time you have ahead of you, held by safety and love, and still open to adventure. Wishing you all the best x
What wonderful, helpful replies. From my own nomadic experience, wherever you go, there you are.
Home is where the people you love are. Growing up, wherever my parents moved, that was home.
As an adult, I carried on moving, to exciting places, feeling an absence I couldn’t understand. I now live in a lovely small town, happy, recognising the absence, yearning for what it was. The advice given so far is very relevant, good luck.
I have ‘done a geographical’ ( never heard that before, but love it ! ) twice, both times related in various ways to the death of a parent.
Then another twice, due to my chosen locale not feeling ‘right’ anymore, for various reasons.
So I’ve lived all over the world ( which has been amazing, and I wouldn’t change it for anything ) but now find myself back in the UK ( west Wales ) with my daughter the other side of the world, and my closest friends scattered around multiple continents.
Part of me wonders if I’d had a little more self awareness in my late 20’s, if I’d known how to ask myself what it was I really wanted, or felt I was looking for, then perhaps I might not have actually ‘needed’ to do all that relocating ??
Staying, going, it all has its pros & cons, and as multiple people have said you take yourself with you, and may well drag your husband along too and upset his apple cart.
I would recommend a book ‘The Desire Map’ by Danielle LaPort to the LW.
Often we think we want to make some major change in our lives, go travelling the world, move to a new place; but what we actually want is to feel different, to feel a certain way, and that can maybe be achieved by figuring out how you’d like to feel, and whether there is something less major that would actually help you to feel like that.
I now have an acronym I use to help me, on a daily basis, focus on how I want to feel, and that in turn helps me orient my life towards doing things that will help me achieve that, and the aforementioned book started me down the path of looking at things from the ‘how do I want to feel’ viewpoint.
I know a few women who made a move in their 40s and one who changed her religion twice and her name. I’m not sure she found what she was looking for as she still took herself with her.
Like you, I focussed on family and home for 20 years, felt trapped and craved adventure. I’d always wanted to spend some time living abroad, and it grated deeply when my husband started working abroad and I was left home alone with the kids half the time. When do I get to have my adventure?
So I went back to uni, got a postgrad degree in psychology and a new career which was really satisfying. And simultaneously I started going on hiking adventures alone or with a friend - I walked the Pennine Way with a backpack and tiny tent to celebrate its 50th anniversary and my 50th birthday. And I trained as a DofE leader, enabling young people to develop their adventure skills.
Could there be ways to incorporate challenge, exploration and adventure into your life? You are more than a homemaker, wife and mother. Let these other parts of you flourish and maybe the frustration will dissipate.
I remember someone once said to me that broodiness can be a sign that you need to find a creative outlet, not have more children. Maybe restlessness is a sign that you need more challenges, not a new home.
PS I did end up living abroad (after leaving that husband). It’s given me an enormous house renovation project which is great fun, but a big gap in my social and friendship needs and the challenges of doing admin in a different language. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up moving back to the UK in a few years! Moral of the story, there isn’t a perfect place to live and moving just creates different problems.
I came on to say something like the above - it feels like creativity or adventure are needed but can be found in “pockets” which are less risky than making a big decision. Joining a group of like-minded people - maybe in the next town or bigger place nearby - to do something that you enjoy may feel like it’s opening your world up. I wonder if the need for adventure is more about place or people? Is there a way you can find your people closer to home? Also I think your husband’s suggestions (the ones you find appealing - don’t do the ones you don’t eg rent out the house) show he has a flicker of something that could lead to fun experiences. I’m sorry you didn’t have your parents through such a significant period of your life. The part of Philippa’s response that tweaked my tear ducts was whether seeking adventure was a way for you becoming close to your parents. I think there’s something in this. My mum was deeply kind and self-effacing, and I find the opposite values/characteristics in others more challenging now she is no longer here. I think there’s something in leaning in to those values that are your legacy from your parents, but maybe noting that the opposite may be triggering. All the best to you x
Thank you so much for this comment. It really helped me understand why I have such issues with my own mother in law. Thank you
I can’t leave my town until my daughter turns 18 because my ex would (and has) gone to court to stop me.
My daughter is 13 now and we moved here when she was 3. So I have been ‘trapped’ here a long time.
It has felt very unfair to me at times that someone has been able to ‘steal’ 18 years of my life because I had his child. He, of course, is free to move where he likes as he is not the resident parent.
Because I’ve felt trapped here, I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming of this other life I will take off and live the day my daughter turns 18, but as that date gets closer I realise that it won’t be that easy because this has been her home town, she has a huge amount of friends here and will always feel a connection with the place even if I don’t.
But I also have in the back of my mind a thought that when she does turn 18, I might for the first time choose this town myself — that perhaps it’s only because it’s a decision that has been forced on me that I resent it.
Perhaps that also resonates for the person who wrote the letter.
This is so wise - and so exciting - to be able to choose for yourself what you already have! To really embrace what you have* (even if it’s not really what you [think you] would choose) and find your own self there… so freeing.
*Obviously lots of caveats about circumstances and relationships that are damaging and should *not* be embraced…
Pp
This dilemma strikes a chord as my childhood was nomadic and those longings re emerged strongly once my children had grown up. And although the writer has so much that sounds wonderful in her life, her understanding partner and some good options, that perhaps makes it harder to bring about the radical change she craves . So many of us put our longings on hold whilst raising our children. Then there’s a feeling of liberation when those children need us less. And at last we can move into this exciting new chapter and find those lost parts of ourselves. Sometimes these dreams have become such a part of us that we will never satisfy them as it’s the dreams that keep us going and weren’t actually there to be satisfied but part of our inner dreamscape. This writer has so much insight into why she has the feelings but that doesn’t help her dilemma. And it feels like a need to break something to create something new - the sensible half way option of renting the house doesn’t satisfy the need. There’s a need to cut the bonds. She’s fortunate as she doesn’t want to change her husband who sounds lovely. But the house is so loaded with stability however happy, that it won’t release her into this new chapter. But Philippa has seen more than the rest of us where this desire often goes and as usual she can point out the pitfalls so well. My own longings were for travel, but I found my longer trips didn’t actually satisfy me in the way I’d hoped. They never opened out into a new possible life and I’d have an increasing feeling of ‘why am I here’. The fantasy new self didn’t quite emerge and I felt disappointingly the same person. Perhaps that self was me at twenty something - when I could go to New York for the first time and have my head explode with how wonderful it all seemed. But I can never get that self back. I’ve seen one friend leave a not unhappy marriage to chase a dream that she never caught up with, and several friends ‘do a geographical’ as Philippa puts it and then find it hard to make a new life and new friends at this point in our lives. Cities can take years to infiltrate, and it can be a shock how alienating a new place can feel. Particularly when the stability of the old life has gone for good. Renting can let us try out these ideas and is surely best before burning bridges. And taking a course is a great idea. A friend of mine let her home and rented a room in Madrid near an old friend. She took a Spanish course and swapped some English and Spanish conversation - which led to her making friends. Rather than moving away she decided to do this regularly. Another friend bought half a canal boat in east London with a friend. They use it for a London base and found a community of friendly younger boat dwellers that has been fun. It takes a bit of exploration to discover what works but I agree with Philippa that exploring what going on within us is part of that. And Skyros is great for meeting other people who are experiencing these feelings, as it attracts those seekers. Talking to the other people going through these transitional phases is so helpful. It takes time to find a path but could be an enjoyable time of trying things and discovery. She sounds like someone who will work it out and find her way whilst making it work for those she loves.
Thanks for this great response
As someone who spent a lifetime becoming bored and moving (as an adult I was never in the same place for more than 10 years. My parents were the same) - it’s never the location that makes you makes you happy. At least not down to your soul happy. It’s not the exciting new house project either. Visiting and dreaming about a new place is not the same as living and working there. As Philippa said, you’re still taking you, and all your complexities with you.
I don’t know this person’s real personal, work or financial situation, and I feel she’s written about her symptoms, but not the real cause. So I agree - some therapy, or even talking to a good friend who is completely honest and trustworthy. And outlets for her creative streak. Writing is priceless. Not just personal writing about your life, but fiction. Make up stories, have a cast of character dancing around in your head. Write stories for children as well. Ones that you wish you’d read as a child. Paint! Splash colour around on large canvases and hang them in your home. Make your existing house your exciting new house project - learn about interior design. Exciting projects come from inside you, they’re not tied to a specific location. You could live in the most amazing, interesting city in the world and still feel bored and frustrated. I know this, I’ve done it 😏
I did a geographical about 12 months ago but I left the husband behind. It sounds as if you want to keep yours! And I definitely did bring me with the move - that was the point, to be more me in a place with more opportunities to be me. I do get the marrying stability thing too - I did that (and not in a bad way, I needed it for a long time and valued it for the calm place it gave me. We are always saying people need to be a little bored to be creative, after all).
So, given you do want to keep your husband it sounds as if you have a lot of dreaming and talking to do together. You are bored with the idea of being in the same house/place but it doesn’t sound as if any of the adventures have happened yet. It could be once you travel together you are happy to come back to the solid foundations you’ve left - where you know the central heating works and how to find the stopcock. Or it maybe after a year or two of the new hybrid life you still feel cramped coming home - but maybe by then your husband will too.
Such a lovely letter and thoughtful reply. I relocated with an ex, looking for an adventure, and found it was great for a bit and then hard for much longer. I still miss the easy friendships I had in my small town (made via the meetup app actually) and it took a long time to re-establish myself as a "go to" person at work which I didn't realise I would miss so much from my previous job. Now it is nice to live somewhere with more going on but I can't say I spend my life always at the theatre or doing exciting intellectual things. I'm mostly at home. And new house projects are very tiring, I think there are far more interesting things to do creatively. I love the comments on here asking about new careers, training, passions, that you don't have to wait for. Additionally, one thing I wish I'd done when I was a bit frustrated in a small town, is make the effort to travel to the nearest cities more and enjoy what they had to offer, rather than upending my whole life! It worked out in the end but didn't resolve any of the feelings I think we'd secretly hoped it would (and the ex became an ex after just over a year). Travel however, and interesting work, are filling my cup far more than the logistics and expense of moving and renovating ever did. Sending so much luck as you work out which changes to make.
I moved to the UK from Brazil in 2011 with my 11-year-old daughter to join my now-husband. It was supposed to be a sabbatical year, as I left my research group, PhD students and an incredibly safe position behind. Long story short, we stayed in the UK for 12 years; during this time, I reinvented myself a couple of times, building a fairly “dignifying” career while raising our two daughters in his small town.
In 2023, we did a big geographical move - I was headhunted to lead a research centre back in Brazil, and he came with me as “prince consort”. During this time, his depression got worse, he never left the house by himself and did not learn the language. He hates it there and spends long spells in the UK. Needless to say, the burden is on me and in our relationship. Two and a half years down the line, he has just decided to stay in the UK for longer, and I have no option but to support it - he is my husband, and I hate to see him suffer. However, I can’t deny I am devastated and heartbroken, as I feel I have done so much for our family and relationship, but I am also relieved, as home life has been sorrowful.
I am coming back by myself to Brazil in a week - not the Christmas period I had planned, but it is what it is.
TLDR: don’t force your husband to embark on an adventure - you can take the boy from the small town, but you will never take the small town from him!
I really relate to this one, and see myself in some of the comments too. My sons have now left home, and the yearning for the ‘extra space,’ ‘the bigger garden’, and the ‘view of the sky’ I’ve been dreaming about has dissolved. I was yearning outdoor physical space, but now I’ve realised I just needed space to be me again; not the home organiser/maker/full-time parent I’d become over the years. My days have space, freedom and quiet in them, and it took a bit of getting used to, but it’s what I needed all along. I don’t even want a bigger garden now, and I’ve been banging on about that since I bought this house six years ago!
This is so interesting - my eldest will probably be off to uni next year, and so I can see a time when my days have that freedom etc that you talk about. I’ve already started saying things about the bigger garden and the view of the sky that I so desperately ’need’ but I do have an inkling that it won’t be a long term fix in the end. I think it’ll always come down to me, my mindset and my attitude towards my life…
Yes, from my experience, I would definitely wait and see.
What a lovely letter. I got the feeling the writer realises she has already solved this issue and knows what to do next (which is not to uproot everything). She talks of being someone who thrives on change, yet this seems to have been distanced into an analytic musing ('my family loves change/his don't) rather than triggering personal action. Likewise her career is getting picked up, albeit slowly? and then not mentioned again. The husband seems to be lovely and has conceded to move out of his comfort zone, travel, move somewhere else for a few months - c'mon love, let's get on with it! It's such a lovely, well reasoned letter, and it's just time to crack on. And if it doesn't work, returning to the stodgy old home will be all the sweeter for the context. Would love to know what happens next!
My partner and I moved from the city to a village when we had our first child, it was a lovely place to have a family, but after 20 years I, in particular, wanted to live somewhere else. We flirted with the idea of going back to the City, but have come to a town 20 minutes from previous home. The move has been fantastic, I still see friends from the old place, but can now walk to the cinema/ lots of interesting independent shops and amazing hills. It is a much more suitable house/ town as we get older. The house reno has been brilliant (mostly)
I agree with a lot of the comments about staying put and making changes in other directions, that all sounds really positive, but also once that stifled feeling sets in, its hard to shift.
I just want to say a heart felt thank you to everyone that responded to this post. I am the LW. I am overwhelmed by the response and sorry that I cannot respond to each one, but know that each one has made me think along with Phillipa’s brilliant response. I think my desire to ‘move on’ is actually two separate things at play - the grief I carried for my parents that I never had while raising a family, and the town always belonging to my husband. Somewhere he identifies with, but has carried a ‘never quite belonging’ tag for me. For many years I have made myself small to fit, to belong, to never rock the boat or upset the apple cart in a family system different to my own. I realise how much I have disappeared on so many levels so as not to disappoint others. A fear of letting others down. I am learning as I get older that I can please myself too, and have a freedom of choice.
The other key feeling at play is the genuine feeling of outgrowing a small place that I have always felt misfitted with. I’ve got friends but have never found ‘the tribe’ that others regale and as I have done in previous chapters. I miss this. I know city life is far from perfect, but I do miss the choice aspect of cities. What I do know is that you only exchange problems for other problems when you move. Where ever you move. It isn’t perfect.
Thank you for all the amazing suggestions. From House sitting, pet sitting, travel, courses, re-training. I’m going to take my time and re read all with gratitude. The comment that Michael left ‘does moving create identity tension’ is also an interesting one and resonated deeply.
A huge thanks.
Thanks for coming in. And…you move if you want to!!❤️
Thanks Phillipa. It’s given me so much to consider. Wasn’t prepared for such a huge response either. Something that clearly resonates with many. I’m sure the right next path will unfold and decisions will be reached. xx
I’ve moved house many times for all the reasons that the correspondent says, a sense of adventure and new possibilities, not to mention the attraction of selling in London and buying in Brighton (and then further afield) for half the cost. But I’ve always done it alone and I see now that I’ve moved to try and find ‘A New Life’, yet taking myself with me every time. The thrill of change evaporates pretty quickly as you deal with sexist builders and attempt to find your ‘tribe’ in increasingly parochial surroundings. I’ve ended up in a rented house on a sleepy suburban new-build estate where the neighbours keep to themselves and I barely speak to anyone day after day. It’s a small town which has good people in it but I’ve lost my own sense of Home through moving and it really saddens me. Now I wish I’d not left London but the pull of the unknown was too great. My strong advice to this lady is don’t move, improve. She’ll never match the security she has now and Philippa’s suggestions are spot on.
It's so true that we take our problems with us: I had a friend who, during the course of the time we knew each other, moved house eleven times in that elusive attempt to solve all her emotional problems. Of course it didn't.
She's done the child rearing, she's loyal to her marriage, but what now? Let's be frank: small town life can be stifling. What strikes me here is that the LW has not found her 'tribe' in this place, that is, the people who share her views, interests and values and where she feels emotionally 'at home'. I'd suggest that's where she might put her effort. It might be in getting her career going again, joining a walking group or book club, getting into the nearest city more frequently, who knows? But it will be about the people, not the place.
I was very nomadic in my 20s & 30s, always searching for where I belonged. What I learned (slowly and painfully) is that belonging often comes from staying - staying long enough to put down roots, build community, and create a full, meaningful, simple life.
As I turn 40, I’m finally understanding that belonging isn’t just about a house or a place, it lives within me. I’ve one more big geographical move ahead in 2026, but this time it feels different. It feels like choosing where I can stay.
It sounds like you’ve found that kind of rootedness already - a safe harbour from which you can spring into adventure, joy, curiosity, and creativity. What a gift, and what a glorious time you have ahead of you, held by safety and love, and still open to adventure. Wishing you all the best x
What wonderful, helpful replies. From my own nomadic experience, wherever you go, there you are.
Home is where the people you love are. Growing up, wherever my parents moved, that was home.
As an adult, I carried on moving, to exciting places, feeling an absence I couldn’t understand. I now live in a lovely small town, happy, recognising the absence, yearning for what it was. The advice given so far is very relevant, good luck.
I think part of the problem two of the people she loves are dead, and the move may be an attempt to find them again.
I agree completely.
I have ‘done a geographical’ ( never heard that before, but love it ! ) twice, both times related in various ways to the death of a parent.
Then another twice, due to my chosen locale not feeling ‘right’ anymore, for various reasons.
So I’ve lived all over the world ( which has been amazing, and I wouldn’t change it for anything ) but now find myself back in the UK ( west Wales ) with my daughter the other side of the world, and my closest friends scattered around multiple continents.
Part of me wonders if I’d had a little more self awareness in my late 20’s, if I’d known how to ask myself what it was I really wanted, or felt I was looking for, then perhaps I might not have actually ‘needed’ to do all that relocating ??
Staying, going, it all has its pros & cons, and as multiple people have said you take yourself with you, and may well drag your husband along too and upset his apple cart.
I would recommend a book ‘The Desire Map’ by Danielle LaPort to the LW.
Often we think we want to make some major change in our lives, go travelling the world, move to a new place; but what we actually want is to feel different, to feel a certain way, and that can maybe be achieved by figuring out how you’d like to feel, and whether there is something less major that would actually help you to feel like that.
I now have an acronym I use to help me, on a daily basis, focus on how I want to feel, and that in turn helps me orient my life towards doing things that will help me achieve that, and the aforementioned book started me down the path of looking at things from the ‘how do I want to feel’ viewpoint.