Ask Philippa: I want my sex life back

After having had a baby

Hi Philippa,

I had my first baby nine months ago. While new motherhood is hard work, it’s the most rewarding job I’ve ever had. The problem is that my husband and I haven’t had sex in a year. I know that the ‘roommate phase’ is a well-documented thing, and that we’re both tired at the end of each day. But we do have some opportunities, and either it doesn’t occur to him at all, or it does to me and I am rejected almost immediately. This has been going on since my son was four months old and I made it clear that I was ready to dip my toes in the water despite feeling very self-conscious about my postpartum body.

He says he doesn’t feel sexy at the moment - but I often notice him looking at other women in the street. Of course, my brain can only come to the conclusion that he doesn’t feel sexual towards me; maybe because of the way I look now, or because he saw me in labour and therefore in a new, unflattering light.

I understand if he’s feeling nervous or self-conscious too and have said as much; suggesting we take it slow and see where we end up. But every time he reacts badly and makes it an argument, eventually agrees that we need to try…and then forgets all about it until I bring it up again.

I don’t want to think about our relationship failing, especially when we have a young child together and are still good friends. I can’t bear the thought of a sexless marriage and I can’t see it getting any better as things stand. The whole thing is making me resent him to the point that we argue over little things all the time, and he still doesn’t seem to understand what my problem is.

Any advice appreciated!

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