Ask Philippa: Grief…

…comes, recedes, morphs into a different form and bites you on the bum…

Write to me at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions

Dear Philippa

My mum died four years ago and since then, joy has left my life.

We were close. Our bond was forged in hardship. My father was controlling and emotionally abusive, he disowned my sister and I and forbade Mum from seeing us. Mum stayed with him, out of fear, love, or duty. For years and we saw each other in secret. After he died, we finally had freedom. The last two decades with her were full of affection, support, and companionship. She brought lightness. She saw me fully.

I was her main carer. I never resented it. My sister lives far away. I don’t have children. I married later in life and Mum walked me down the aisle, which is a beautiful memory.

Since her death, everything feels flat. I go through the motions. I feel heavy and half alive. I can’t find joy in anything. I feel that I have worked through the first few waves of grief and loss and come out the other side (my husband was always there for me, supporting and caring for me). I still miss her but I have accepted it and absorbed it. My husband is kind but doesn’t talk about feelings. My sister has moved on. That makes me want to scream. I have friends but don’t want to burden them.

I’ve had therapy, but I still feel stuck. I don’t know what needs to change. Should I keep doing things in hope something stirs? Or is there something else I should try?

Hoping for some advice.

The Answer