A lovely relationship EXCEPT FOR

gaslighting and toxicity WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Write to me with any problem or dilemma at AskPhilippa@yahoo.com Subject to Terms and Conditions

There’s lots of advice this person could be given, but the right advice is what was always somehow known but hadn’t put into words yet. I’m handing this one over to the readers for you to do the advising:

Philippa Perry

Dear Philippa

I have been living with my partner for over 3 years. For most of the time things are really lovely but periodically, too often for comfort, things blow up - how we manage these disagreements is the problem. We’re both in our 60s and each have a history of failed relationships.

Something upsets my partner, usually something small, and things immediately spiral out of control. He phrases the issue, in what I feel is an aggressive tone, as ‘you always’, ’you should’ etc. (though he says it was a measured tone and denies his anger). I don’t know how to respond - if I say that’s not how I see it…, and attempt to explain my view, it escalates; if I don’t say anything or just say ‘that’s not how I see it’, it escalates. It often continues with him labelling me - you’re a liar, hypocrite, lazy, selfish etc etc. I say I don’t like this, find it hurtful and it makes me withdraw. It ends in stalemate - I ask him to raise things in a less confrontational way so we can both feel listened to. He says this is all bullshit and semantics and what does it matter. It matters to me. He says that I’m not accepting responsibility for my part in things by saying it’s his fault for using the wrong language. He says that I use semantics as a shield: I say I can only open up if I feel respected and listened to. He says I won’t admit I’m wrong: I say it’s not about right or wrong but trying to understand each other’s viewpoints and that we both often make assumptions about things and that we need to create an environment where we can respectfully discuss these. I understand that this can come across as sanctimonious but I’m not prepared to be labelled and treated in a way that I see as disrespectful. I’ve tried different approaches but none help. I don’t know how to get past this impasse to create a better relationship.

I’ve read a lot of relationship books, including your book ‘the book you want everyone you love to read’ and it makes sense to me - I’m trying to say to him that the way a conversation starts, the language used etc all make a difference; I try and use examples from my kids or friends to make it less personal but he just hears that he’s ‘wrong’. I do think that the barriers he’s putting up are stopping me communicating and us therefore reaching an understanding but I have no idea how to move forward. I want the relationship to work but have no idea how to achieve this.

I wrote the above a year ago but never sent it. A year later all that has changed is that after the finger pointing, ‘you….’ he retreats into angry silence, and any attempts to talk are met with hostility or how he feels misrepresented, misunderstood accompanied by a misrepresentation of my perspective.

I’m starting to doubt my reality, feel gaslit and know it is a very toxic situation. In many ways, I still love him and want to help (he had a difficult childhood and to me - though I don’t say this to him - is behaving like a toddler) but don’t think I can which makes me so sad. Any advice about what I can do to shift the narrative would be welcome.

…over to you reader